Problem with the 'I' in the relationship

**quall** · 10-12-10, 08:11 PM

Hello everyone,

I'm 22 years old and have a girlfriend of 20 years old, we're already together for over one and a half year.
My girlfriend always had a tendency to 'stand alone' and 'decide alone'.
But now she goes too far in my opinion.
She said:
When we have kids we're not gonna have sex anymore.
I went against it by saying that I don't ever want that to happen.
Then she said that it's her body so she decides.
Now I'm very angry about that, cause in my opinion you decide that together and if opinions don't match, find the middle way.
She's always been insecure and quicky jealous, if that'll happen I don't know how long we're gonna last as a couple.

Further more, lately she has been quite distant, not much kissing and pulling everything out her, for example if I say I love her she makes a joke of saying she doesn't love me, and I gotta force her a bit in some sort of way until she says it.
same with kissing, 10 kisses 1 day (not too much to ask right if young?) is a miracle currently. Gotta beg/force her for it.

('force' isn't ment in any violently physical way)

now here my questions to you guys:
do you agree or not that she alone can decide to not have sex anymore?
any advice? anything's appreciated.

**Boisdevie** · 10-12-10, 08:59 PM

You are clearly not compatible. Find somebody else because your relationship will not work.

**quall** · 10-12-10, 09:48 PM

yeah, that'll happen if she won't change her mind.
I can't stand such things cause if I put myself first like she does I'd say I don't want kids if she doesn't want sex anymore after having kids. simple as that.
I refuse to stop having sex when I'm 30 or something, that's just plainly rediculous.

**foreverlove** · 10-12-10, 10:07 PM

Truth is, you two llikely have a while ahead of you before you will even have kids, and it is quite silly of her even say that about such a while in the future. I am not sure why she is being so distant right now, it seems as though you two really need to sit down and discuss what is going on. Good luck

**vashti** · 10-12-10, 10:16 PM

She DOES get to decide... it IS her body. What are you going to do? Force her?

You get to decide if you want to live with what she is saying. You either ARE willing to live with it (in which case, stop whining), or you AREN'T (in which case, move on). She is giving you the opportunity to make your decision. Don't be pouty about it - be happy you weren't married before she told you this.

**VincenzoG91** · 10-12-10, 10:35 PM

I've read about some pretty sad marriages here at LF, where one spouse (usually the wife) completely lost interest in sex. You have the rare good fortune to get advance notice, and you should act on that valuable information. Run away from her, as fast as you can.

**quall** · 13-12-10, 08:54 AM

I just hate the part that she's probably offering a selfdestructive relationship cause of her jealousy.
If someone else likes me and I find out and tell her it'd an instant moodkill to her.
Questions like you liked here too didn't you?
Won't be hold back.
Would be even worse without sex cause jealousy isn't overcome easely especially with low self-esteem and suspicion would skyrocket. (she said she expects it I'd break up with her if we won't have sex anymore for a few months, which is completely not true.)

Though she also said she's depressed, might be just that why she's backing up a bit.

@Vashti I'd never force her, I just think she can't just decide on that cause she won't know how she'd feel about that at that time.
Secondly it's just unnatural, not only for men but women as well, commonly considered as an unhealthy relationship which is worth therapy and medical treatment.

**vashti** · 13-12-10, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by quall

I just hate the part that she's probably offering a selfdestructive relationship cause of her jealousy.
If someone else likes me and I find out and tell her it'd an instant moodkill to her.
Questions like you liked here too didn't you?
Won't be hold back.
Would be even worse without sex cause jealousy isn't overcome easely especially with low self-esteem and suspicion would skyrocket. (she said she expects it I'd break up with her if we won't have sex anymore, which is completely not true.

Though she also said she's depressed, might be just that why she's backing up a bit.

@Vashti I'd never force her, I just think she can't just decide on that cause she won't know how she'd feel about that at that time.
Secondly it's just unnatural, not only for men but women as well, commonly considered as an unhealthy relationship which is worth therapy and medical treatment.

The only reason a lack of interest in sex is considered "unnatural" or "unhealthy" is because their partner usually objects. There is nothing inherently WRONG with being asexual if you have no drive.

**quall** · 13-12-10, 09:46 AM

Some actually think sex is the glue of a relationship. In jealousy it's more likely to be true, don't you think so?

I also worry over this cause she has been my first and I'm quite emotional, worried about having sex made an emotional need...
She doesn't quite know that I'm sensitive, I'd rather keep it hidden.
I would never cheat on her, but at my 30's without intimacy my mood would likely be horrible. And if she would cheat on me in such a case and I would find out I'd be so angry or hurt I could might just do about anything..
I fear that situation very much honestly said.

**vashti** · 13-12-10, 09:50 AM

She is giving you the opportunity to make another choice.

On the other hand, you say she is your first. In this case, my guess is that your inexperience renders you a poor lover. Maybe if you worked on improving your technique, and ensure she orgasms, she may come to appreciate sex more.

**quall** · 13-12-10, 09:54 AM

I'm sure she usually orgasms it's quite easely recognizeable (thrust me, I'd rather not go into details it's still personal) and she said she thinks the sex is good when I asked it at that moment.
Even our (and mine) first time she orgasm'd.

**vashti** · 13-12-10, 09:58 AM

Well, i suppose that is within the realm of possibility, but it is certainly far from likely. No offense.

**Regnent** · 13-12-10, 10:01 AM

If her rules are deal breakers, break it off.

"I would never cheat on her, but at my 30's without intimacy my mood would likely be horrible."
Yah, that pretty much sums it up. It's a rather... frustrating position to be in.

Keep in mind, don't think too far ahead, but don't set your sites on tomorrow only either.

**quall** · 13-12-10, 10:05 AM

sure I know you could think it's unlikely, no offense taken, let's assume it's the case and she does it cause she has reasons for it like she:
doesn't want to get caught by the kids.
doesn't want to get pregnant again. (she often worries about that)
thinks she doesn't care about it and can live without it even though she orgasms.
etcetera.

**quall** · 13-12-10, 10:07 AM

@Regnant Your right. Got to ask her if she'll reconsider that or I gotta "break it off".
I can't be in such a relationship.

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