If this aint love....

[confusedgirl.co]

f this aint love......
by confusion.com » Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:16 pm

Dear all, I've gone and got myself in to a fine ole confusing mess and would greatly appreciate any outside opinions on the situation. I think it best to present my problem as if I were telling a friend, hence I'm going to post some of my story as I did to my best friends......thanks for reading xx


So, I moved country to begin a new career in June only to find myself meeting one of the most obnoxious, unattractive men I've ever laid eyes on. In true romantic-comedy fashion, I found myself alone in a lift with said man and within 3 minutes we had become BBF's. He's charismatic, enthusiastic, charming and makes life bright. Still not feeling any romantic attraction towards him, he embarked on a three week long mission of wooing, and eventually conquered my heart.

He is from India and I am from Ireland. We've grown up in such different countries, we have different religions, beliefs, values, educations, families etc...etc.... He is a former drug addict, with an extremely addictive, possessive, manic but ultimately magnetic personality, but despite all, on some strange inexplicable level, we're soulmates.


After submitting to my inexplicable feelings towards my unsuitable suitor, he decided to reveal to me that he had a "serious on/off thing going at home. They were giving it another go, he was very confused but felt it "only fair" to tell me.
I was crushed.

I have never been with another girls man, I would/could never do that, so I felt so angry and deceived that he had tricked me into doing something that I felt was so wrong. I was annoyed with him for a couple of weeks before banking on the "life's not black and white" reasoning and attempting a friendship with this man thta I missed so very much from my life. I'm not sure whether my longing for him is down to our amazing, illogical connection or down to simple loneliness die to my being in a new country, doing a very strange and sometime isolating job.

As I tried to embark on a new situation of holding this man as a close (my best in fact) friend in my new home, I found myself trying to meet other men. Below describes an one such incident......

Went on as date the other night that was hijacked by ***, he struted in to the bar, cool as a pinapple after stalking out where I was. Joined us, got me hammered and stole me away with his fun-ness, totally abandoning the date boy. He then, similarly found out from the girls where I was heading the following nigh tand arrived out again and drunkeness/after party again. He's just a spanker, he acts like my boyfriend and is crazily possessive, yet chooses to keep his lover at home (who is coming here on the 25th, aghhhh. AND who he casually suggested I should meet...I obviously freeked out at his obvious soul-less being. Sooooo, I said I;m gone from his life for good. (its all really soooo dramatic it's hilarious) We;re not friends and he can't call me anymore or accidentally on purpose hang around with me. He has sent me a couple of testing-the-water "have a safe flight" messages since but I'm ignoring. It;s really horrid though because he actually is so much fun and my bestest pal here.



NEXT DAY.....

my "lovelife" (disgusting term but it's befitting) has become something of sunset beach plot. *** and I are besotted, teenager style. The "girlfriend" arrived from India last night. His birthday also. We had a sunset beach "emotion scene" whereby I told him he had to let me know where I stand, was I hanging around waiting for something that was never going to happen (i.e. he leaving the girlfriend) and he said yes. (cue Ralph wigham style heartbreak)

HIis girlfriend stayed here for two days where they fought incessantly (we have common friends who fill me in!). Once she left, we continued as normal, not referring to her ever. I was so hurt and too sensitive to ever bring her up. We continue like this, trying to spend as much time together as work permitted, while trying to be friends, always giving in to the most natural relationship we have which is romantic. we were never really friends to be completely honest, so trying to act as if we are just doesn't feel right.

I went home for a holiday a few weeks after this where he contacted me every single day (I never call/text him). Then he stopped after announcing he and his girlfriend were going to give it a real go. He said he feels indebted to her as she's the only girl he's ever been with (they;ve been together for 9 years) and she was with him through his rehab/fathers death etc. He said he just can't break promises he has made (another cultural difference between us that just doesn't make sense to a western girl like me who strives for the highest level of happiness possible, not "contentment")

MAIL TO FRIEND UPON MY RETURN:

Wellllll, the tale of *** and I has taken a new sordid twist. (I'm feeling very dramatic today!) Since I've come back it's really obvious things are fully back on and serious with Indian girl. He's on best behaviour and we're all pally pally, which is right but so friggin annoying as he never even forwards a memo as to what our "relationship roles" for the day are, let alone actually discuss anything. And I, of course, being too proud and energy-less from all my "I'm cool and aloof" acting don't bring it up either, I just fall into his plans which is jelly. Yet, the phone calls from layovers/ all the other not-very-friendlike stuff continues which by the time I was in New York was just driving me crazy as it;s so unfair and weird.

sooooo last night we went out and I got insanely drunk and decided that it was a good time to "discuss" (I lectured and cried a bit...shame) the whole thing (as tends to happen when you suppress a zillion things and add a gallon of wine!) So, I attacked him (not physically of course). I massacred his entire character, his life choices.....his hair, EVERYTHING. So we had a full on row (well not really, I had a row with myself, getting worked up into a fine ole crazy gal frenzy). Anyway, we chatted and hugged and I cried a bit more and I woke up this morning on my own and soooo confused.

It's horrendous, i have vague recollections of what I said to him (basically because it's been carried around as imagined speeches for the past few months) but I have no idea of the conversation that ensued. I know he cried and we talked about serious things but I can't remember!!! So when he called this afternoon and said he couldn't sleep and was so troubled and embarrassed for all he had told me, my reply was "ya sure, no worries!", which i'm almost certain wasn't a measured response to the issue. He said that we can be best friends now and he's so relieved that we can be 100% honest with each other. So, at the moment he's buying a sandwich toaster to bring over here so we can eat toast together. I'm freeking out!! I don't remember anything and I can definately never admit it because whatever he told me was a big deal so I can't admit that I'm a complete fairy! EEEK the cat.

It's going to be so awkward, I terrified he'll bring "it" up and I'll get caught. Plus, this was a long convo. I slyly asked what time he left to ascertain how long we were home chatting for.....he said he left at 6am, after we talked for 3 hours!!!! Anyway, the gist of what I'm gathering on the rel. front is that he's serious about Indian and wants us just to be friends.
Another row ensued a few days later whereby he shouted "i dont love you" until I cried (cuz hes a really swell guy!) then he hugged me and said "i just needed to see you care" (sick fooker) That was it, nuff said! Even I have my cccccrazy limits, and this was off da hook man!

So, as the situation lies now, we haven''t spoken in three weeks. He has gone home on leave, before which he "completely finished things" with his girlfriend. I haven't' heard from him which only makes me assume they're back together.
we haven';t seen each over in over 6 weeks and I'm doing my best to just get over him as I know that we;re wrong in every way, but something is stopping me, I can't shake the feeling that it's the real thing......

Anyone who has managed to stick it out and read through my drivel this far, much appreciation and praise for you commitment!!! If you could offer me any advice I would be forever in your debt as, although the answer is clear as day, i need it in words....Thank you x

[Sonrisa]

please post in one place only.

[smackie9]

I've read some of your other posts and I have to say confused girl is right. You tend to get yourself in the most unhealthy and complicated situations with other people. You have no normalcy with relationships. What your problem is that your actions are driven by your selfish desires and any commonsense is totally out the frinkin window. You desperately want attention, and no matter how toxic the situation is you foolishly think that the complications with eventual disappear with some magical solution. Reality check here....they don't. He pursued you because he knows how easily you are manipulated. You were used sister. People will cheat and lie to get what they want, and you being so blinded by your own desires, you were taken advantage of. The only solution to this is to get out and stay away from him for good. Also if you want to know what's best for you take my advice, stay away from anyone who is already in a relationship, is engaged, married or getting married.

[IncognitoSir]

I've read some of your other posts and I have to say confused girl is right. You tend to get yourself in the most unhealthy and complicated situations with other people. You have no normalcy with relationships. What your problem is that your actions are driven by your selfish desires and any commonsense is totally out the frinkin window. You desperately want attention, and no matter how toxic the situation is you foolishly think that the complications with eventual disappear with some magical solution. Reality check here....they don't. He pursued you because he knows how easily you are manipulated. You were used sister. People will cheat and lie to get what they want, and you being so blinded by your own desires, you were taken advantage of. The only solution to this is to get out and stay away from him for good. Also if you want to know what's best for you take my advice, stay away from anyone who is already in a relationship, is engaged, married or getting married.

Yeah, and make some damn cliff notes!

[Mr. Turtle]

I myself often do isolated things and have been single since my divorce 4 years ago. I can understand the feeling of loneliness and the latching on to the first person that brings about a sudden happiness. However, I am worldly intrigued by a woman that I know I will never be able to date for a number of reasons. So I enjoy her company and keep it a mere distant thought. I seem to gain more ground with her that way and it is nice to attempt to be social again because with her it just seems to flow very nice and I dont feel like I need to impress her or be someone I'm not. Where I am going with this is, be yourself and do not take your eye off the standards that you have in a relationship, no matter the dynamic. He is obviously not devoted to making a solid effort with you alone and you deserve that as much as the next person. You will find someone who makes you comfortable and easy to be around and unfortunately *FORTUNATELY* you wont even know its happened and you will find yourself in a very good relationship. Those are just my few penny.