Stuck in a no-win situation

[Decoy]

Hey guys,

I've come to these forums for help that i desperately need. I bileive im in a situation where there is no way i can get out of it without people getting hurt.

Firstly im 24 years old and am in a relationship with a girl who is my age. We have been going out for 2 years now. Its gotten to the point where im no longer happy and want out but cant bring myself to do it without hurting her or my friends or appearing incredibly selfish.

Let me explain a little of my back-story first to get an understanding of how i got here. Ive essentially been in a relationship ever since i started dating. My first GF was a serious one where we were together for about a year and a half from the age of 16. we broke up because she moved to a different country. That relationship was rather standard for the age. About a month after i met a girl who i fell madly in love with. it was hot and heavy and wild at first but slowly turned into an abusive relationship. She started using emotional blackmail against me by threatening to kill herself all the time and then cutting herself and saying i made her do it. she even use to hit me (altho it was never painful since i was 6foot and she was barely 5 foot). I wasnt allowed to even look at other girls without her bursting into tears. There was even one occasion where i was fixing a TV picture for my 10yr old cousin where i was behind the TV and scoobydoo was on the TV (the movie with Sarah Michelle Gellar) and she ran out crying when she saw me as she thought i was perving on SMG. after about a year that relationship ended in her cheating on me with a work colleague and i left her.

I then met another girl who was no better. She was 2 years older than me and my boss at work. she cheated on me at least 3 times (that i could proove) and after 4 years (living together for 3 of them) and constant abuse i left that relationship too. i was single for about 6 months and pretty lonely. after such serious and abusive relationships for so long and a very close friend of mine commiting suicide after her BF dumping her i fell into a spiral of depression and alcohol. i got myself out of it evenrualy and not being religious, thought i might ask god to send me someone who would love me in an unconditional way.

lo and behold i was set up on a date with a girl who i am currently with. She is completely different that the previous girls ive been with. Shes kind, caring and considerate. shes in her last year studdying to become a nurse. At first it was really good. i had the freedom to do anything i wanted to in a relationship.

Then it got weird. many many girls started flirting with me and tempting me. Best friends of my GF, work colleagues and random strangers. but i held strong. Then the relationship with my gf became incredibly stale. What was a blessing at first became a curse. My gf always wanted to do what i wanted to do. She never fought with me and never disagreed with what i had to say. if i wanted to do something, we did it. She then became very clingy. she would invite herself over and became very predictable. A gap started to form and one night after a very drunken party i did the unthinkable and cheated on her, with my ex.

i woke up completely distraught. i went over to her house and fessed up. i told her it wasnt working out and i wasnt going to be the person she wanted me to be. i couldnt guarentee i would commit to her. To my surprise she turned around said it was ok. she didnt want to seperate. i had to argue with her for hours to try to tell her that we at least needed time apart and i needed to think. that was about a year ago now and shes acted like it never happened even though it cause a major ripple within my circle of friends (of which she joined herself to after we started seeing eachother).

I still havent said the L word and im terrified to say it. i know i owe her more than what shes getting but i cant bring myself to commit. ive been open with her in the past but its like she doesnt want to hear it and pretends its never said. after such abusive relationships i should be happy but im not. everything is the same. day in day out.

Now she wants to move in together and i said it would be a possibility in the future but shes already eastablished appointments. i feel like i owe it to her to make the next step but i also owe it to myself to be true to my own happiness. im still young and cant see myself getting married for several years (and told her that too but she said she doesnt care). but if im not willing to make that next step, then why am i in the relationship.

How can i break up with her when she hasnt done anything wrong and im the bad guy in the relationship. doing so would only hurt her and cause seperations in my friends. HELP!

i feel like im being suffocated and trapped and things are moving WAY too fast for my to control. Ive tried telling her in the past im not ready but she makes excuses for it. how do i get my life back in control again? how do i tell her with her actualy being able to listen to me?

[VincenzoG91]

You already realize that you're the bad guy, so just own it. Bounce your fingers together like Mister Burns and let out a hearty "Mwa-ha-ha!" Practice smirking in the mirror and saying nasty things. Then rationalize some reason why this is her fault anyway, and then you're finally ready to take her to the dumpster.

Or as an alternative, you could try to get some help for your fear of commitment. The reason why women have been more attracted to you lately is that they can since that you were confident because you were in a stable relationship, and they wanted that, too. Then you started wondering what you were missing out on, but being single is generally nowhere near as much fun as it might seem from the outside looking in.

But some people can't imagine stuff like this, they need to learn the hard way. So maybe you should go ahead and dump her, so you can learn for yourself whatever you need to learn. These days, 24 is actually considered a bit young for marriage, so people should at least sort of understand why you aren't ready yet.

[reeba]

I think your girlfriend is living in denial. She wants a relationship so badly that she isn't seeing the whole picture clearly. She want to move in despite your protests? She refused to break up with you after you said you cheated and you wanted to break up with her, can't commit, don't want the relationship, etc....?

You have never said the 'L' word? By the way I find it amusing that you can't even type it out here in this forum. But anyway.....Has she ever said it to you? What does she do at your 'lack of reply' which you know she is expecting to hear.

Geesh. Talking about her forcing a relationship onto you. You need to look her in the eye and point blank tell her 'I'm sorry, but I never fell in love with you, I gave it 2 years and it just never happenned, and obviously it never will happen, so NO I do not want to live with you, and YES I will probably cheat again because I do not love you. By the way I think you are a great person and there are many things I admire about you, but AGAIN the cold hard fact is I do not love you. There is nothing to discuss. I'm leaving now.' And then actually walk out with no discussion.

Yes she will be hurt and she will probably hate you. But dragging this relationship out is probably more harmful to her than letting her continue with her fantasy/dilusion.

And what in the world is she making appointments for- I'm assuming apartment viewings, AFTER you said NO to the moving in thing'? You need to tell her now that you don't love her, instead of perhaps standing her up at the lease signing (then your circle of friends will have a reason to lose respect for you) or it not then - finally developing a backbone and then jilting her at the altar, or maybe you growing a set of balls will finally happen several years from now after several years of a loveless marriage and then you two will have to endure the knockdown knockout divorce/custody/childsupport legal battle.

[Decoy]

You have never said the 'L' word? By the way I find it amusing that you can't even type it out here in this forum. But anyway.....Has she ever said it to you? What does she do at your 'lack of reply' which you know she is expecting to hear.

She hasnt said it to me. But she wants to. Its because when we started the relationship i was open to her about how i had been hurt in my previous relationships and i cant say the L word unless i honestly and truly mean it. So she has never said it to me probably so as to not upset me. Shes spoken to her friends who have told me that she wants to say it but wont until i will.

And by appointments i do mean she has set up viewings with rental properties.

And the moving out part stemmed from a misunderstanding. I lived out of home for the first year we dated. Then had a falling out with a roomate and also started attending uni while working full time and needed to downsize for cash reasons (so im now living at my parents). I want to move out but so does a friend of mine who i dont want to move out with so i said to him "i cant move out because if i was to move out, it would be with my gf". that was about 6 months ago i said that and she found out later i had said it to him. so when i bought a whole bunch of stuff to prepare myself for moving out again (cutting boards, kitches utencils, etc) my gf asked why i had them and i said it was because i planned on getting ready to move out (moving out by myself). She said she would move out with me and i said she couldnt afford to. she goes to uni and has a part time job only. i pay for mostly everything anyhow. so i threw it to her and said she couldnt. she came back with a budget and secret savings she had that i didnt know about for this day. it included enough money for a bond and some items. At that point i said i would entertain the idea next year. yesterday i got a txt msg with a list of items she bought (it was a full iphone screen worth) and an appointment to view a house. what i had been using as an excuse to mot move out was now my own trap.

So i need to be honest with her now. ill go to the viewing and then sit down with her tonight and talk through my feelings with her. i have no idea how its going to go. every "argument" we have ends with her agreeing with me in some way.

I believe in love and the sanctity of it. Thats why i cant say it without truely meaning it or it looses its meaning all together.

[RockNRoll]

You tried to be too nice with everyone (at least in moving out situation), which actually caused you to lie and mess people around.
She is in denial, maybe she is so madly in love, that it made her blind and selfless. You need to help her see the facts and understand, that it's not OK.
Did you say it clearly, that you cheated on her? Be blunt about it now, and say that she should not accept it. Let her have some self respect. Say that you don't want to mess her around and lead her on any longer. That you don't see you two together in a long-term, you don't feel commited to this relationship and she'd better find someone else who will give her this. You don't feel like giving her what she wants and you don't want to be with her. Ask her, why would she want to stay with someone in one-side relationship. You need to be upfront and clear. It might hurt, but it's better now than later. Be supportive, say about things you like about her, but don't say too much, so she wouldn't think that you are into her. There is no chance and nothing any of you can do. It's over, for her own good.
Most important, say, that you are not in love with her and it's not going to happen, if it didn't happen earlier.

[wellami]

If ever I've read a post that yells "you need to be cruel to be kind", this has to be it. By trying to be the "nice guy" and not hurt her, you are going to end up hurting her way more. It does sound like she is in denial, and perhaps so desperate for this relationship to work that she'll accept you cheating (assuming you were very clear that you had). It sounds like she is managing to twist everything you say to fit her ideal and filter out anything she doesn't like. Nothing in what you've typed says that this relationship will ever work out and the longer it goes on, and the more you fit her ideal by moving in etc. the worse it is going to hurt when it all comes crashing down.

As RockNRoll says, you can be nice to her when you tell her it's over and let her down reasonably gently, but it needs to be clear and unequivocal that you are breaking up, and you need to walk right out of the door afterwards. It isn't really going to sink in otherwise and it's the best thing for her from the sounds of it. It will free her to find a man who can say the L word without fear and genuinely give her the kind of love she wants. Got to be honest, cheating sucks and you are the bad guy in that respect. You need to take responsibility for that and do right by her now by taking any additional hurt it might cause on the chin.

I think you also need to take a long look at your own behaviour - your previous relationships were abusive but it was still your ex that you ended up cheating with?

[RdHrshyKss]

i think everyone else said what i wanted to say. you guys are definitely not a good pair. she's living in her little fantasy world and the only way to wake her up is to be direct and honest. no more sugar coating and avoiding the truth.

[devonbrown]

Short and sweet - With almost every breakup there are hurt feelings, sadness, division amongst friends, etc. It can not be helped. However, that should never be the reason for continuing in a relationship where you are not happy.