I want her back.

[Nineball]

I was with my ex for 13 months. When we first started dating, we couldn't be apart from each other. We were crazy about each other, having to see each other every day and never wanting to be apart. She has a daughter who is 3 right now. I have developed a strong relationship with the daughter during that 13 months. It got to a point where the daughter started calling me 'daddy' and I welcomed it. I didn't mind being a father figure in her life. I was ready and willing to support her and her daughter as best I could. She knows that I love her daughter very much, and that her daughter loves me.

In the beginning, she lived with her mom. The mom lost the house due to foreclosure and was planning on moving an hour away to live with her parents. My ex didn't want to move there and decided on renting out an apt in the current city. I also was having issues with my current living conditions at my mom's house due to personal reasons and decided that maybe it would be best to move in with my girlfriend. After the first 4 months of solid seeing each other everyday dating, we moved in together.

I'm 26 and she is 21. Everything was going great. We all loved each other very much and we became almost like a family. Like with every relationship, there would be fights about the dumbest things, but none to the point where things got out of hand.

After 9 months of living together, she dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere. I never saw it coming. And I swear I felt like my insides exploded within me. She wanted to break up. She said things just weren't exciting anymore. There was no fire, no romance, and not a lot of fun in our relationship. Not like it used to be. We fell into an everyday routine and I take responsibility for that.

That night, we both cried uncontrollably. There was so much sadness in the air, it was suffocating. She said we couldn't live together, so I packed up only what I could transport (clothes, my computer, and other small misc. items) and knew that I would have to move back into my mom's house. Before I left, I still wanted to talk about what went wrong. And still, the crying could not be controlled for both us. She wanted me to lay with her until she fell asleep, but I couldn't bear to do that and I just left. The daughter was sleeping throughout this whole time and I said my goodbyes to her while she slept. This was very painful.

Some key things I remember her saying during that night I have listed below. I don't really know how to interpret them because some of them contradict each other.

- "I don't think I'm ready to settle down like this."
- "I just need something fresh, something new, something exciting."
- "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
- "The reason why I moved out was to have my freedom and I feel like I still don't." (I voiced my distaste for certain behaviors and things she frequently did, but never did I prohibit or try to control those.)
- "I'm so scared. What if we never get back together again?"
- "What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?"
- "I don't have jealousy issues anymore. You can date whoever you want and I wouldn't care. That has to mean something right?"
- "Let's just be friends."
- "I want to have that feeling of missing of you. I just need some time and space. We need to be apart from each other."

It's been exactly 12 days since the breakup. It is not as hard as it was the first couple of days, but it still hurts. Since then, I have found out that she is seeing another guy. I cannot be for certain on their type of relationship, but he was at the house only a day after the breakup around midnight. I've also found out that she has been partying a lot more and drinking, with this same guy and sleeping at his house after heavy drinking. She doesn't know that I know this.

This has made me suspect that everything she has told me was said to keep me lingering around on the back-burner. She knows that I love her and her daughter very much and I believe she is abusing this "time and space" to do what she pleases because she knows that she can come back to me anytime she wants and I would accept her. I don't want to be a "backup" so to speak, but I also don't want to lose her. I would like to somehow convey that I am willing to wait for her to mess around and do what she pleases, but at the same time let her know I won't wait forever. I doubt she is really into this guy as far as a relationship goes and I know she is just doing this because she is still young and wants to experience her youthful age before she settles down.

We haven't really made too much contact with each other, only to make requests such as dropping off the house keys, information about the utilities, and whether or not I could see them before the holidays. I called her on Saturday to make that request, she said she didn't know, but would call me before Christmas hit. She did...on Wednesday. And we have scheduled to meet on Sunday night. There's about a million different scenarios running through my head on how Sunday is going to go down. This will be the first time I see them since the breakup.

If I want to win her back, how do I play my cards Sunday? What are my next moves thereafter?

My plan is to be strong and act normal. Try to hide my pain and true feelings. Drop off their presents...play with her daughter a little bit, have small talk, and then leave. But before leaving, hand her a short, written note and then walk out...with the plan on not taking the initiative to make contact again. Basically the note agrees with the breakup, addresses what went wrong in the relationship, and states that she's at a crossroads right now in her life and needs to decide what path to take. The note also says that I understand she needs time and space, but that if it doesn't work out between us, then it wasn't meant to be.

I want her to realize she made a mistake breaking up with me to be a party animal, and should have chose to work toward her future and what's best for her daughter.

I can't get over her, so please reply only if you have any suggestions on how I could win her back.

[Olenjka10]

Hey, just wanted to tell you that iam really sorry that you had to go through this mess. Break ups suck big time and they are painful. But getting back together can backfire on you. She uses you as a backup and her daughter as a collateral. She is not playing fair. If you ever manage to get her back, it won't be for long. As soon as someone else attracts her attention she'll send you packing. But if you are determined to get back with her, then i'd say, don't even go see them on Sunday. Tell her that you want to reschedule it and see what she says. Trust me if you are less available, you will be more attractive in her eyes, i kinda been there done that. But whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[sweetkissesforu]

Hey, just wanted to tell you that iam really sorry that you had to go through this mess. Break ups suck big time and they are painful. But getting back together can backfire on you. She uses you as a backup and her daughter as a collateral. She is not playing fair. If you ever manage to get her back, it won't be for long. As soon as someone else attracts her attention she'll send you packing. But if you are determined to get back with her, then i'd say, don't even go see them on Sunday. Tell her that you want to reschedule it and see what she says. Trust me if you are less available, you will be more attractive in her eyes, i kinda been there done that. But whatever you decide to do, good luck.

I agree with Olenjka