confused

[chloeee123]

just very confused and wondering what other may do :\

i was with someone around a year ago who had just come out of a 6 year relationship , we worked together and had always got on so soon after started going out for a drink ect he was quite alot older than me so we didnt expect anything to happen. we carried on seeing eachother though and both got to liking eachother , id never been in a long relationship before and things were starting to get a little more serious until i got a message from a girl saying ' wed been seeing the same person , and that he loves her and never wanted to be with me' he denied it all iv never seen someone who could lie so well , said she was his ex and was jealous and so i stupidly believed him until i saw some photos of them together on holiday when he said he was going with his mates.

iv been finished with him for over a year now i still work with him and i still like him , and am now seeing someone else who is also alot older than me and so things are complicated . but i just still can not get over the person i worked with , iv been miserable ever since , and i just feel bad for being with anyone else when i like him so much ,

it was our christmas do the other week and he spoke to me and said how sorry he was and that is head was all in the wrong places and he still really likes me. the lad im seeing at the moment is really really nice but i just cant help feeling bad for liking someone else. havent got a clue what to do and wether i could ever trust him again ?? very confused.

[SelflessnHumble]

just very confused and wondering what other may do :\

i was with someone around a year ago who had just come out of a 6 year relationship , we worked together and had always got on so soon after started going out for a drink ect he was quite alot older than me so we didnt expect anything to happen. we carried on seeing eachother though and both got to liking eachother , id never been in a long relationship before and things were starting to get a little more serious until i got a message from a girl saying ' wed been seeing the same person , and that he loves her and never wanted to be with me' he denied it all iv never seen someone who could lie so well , said she was his ex and was jealous and so i stupidly believed him until i saw some photos of them together on holiday when he said he was going with his mates.

Your 1st mistake was to date someone you work with.
Now you have to seem him daily...it's no wonder why you "feel" you still like him...

One year ago you were with him and he had the audacity to lead a double life and two time you
Yet...you still "like him?" The first thing that you need to do is to take control of your emotions.
Most people do NOT want to take control of their emotions because then they'd have to face "the music"
while both you and I can agree it's much easier to sit comfortably numb, and to harbor hidden feelings for
the same man who lied, cheated and manipulated you while you are selfishly short-changing this other guy who
has no idea he doesn't have your full attention on your relationship...That is not right.

iv been finished with him for over a year now i still work with him and i still like him , and am now seeing someone else who is also alot older than me and so things are complicated . but i just still can not get over the person i worked with , iv been miserable ever since , and i just feel bad for being with anyone else when i like him so much

Are you saying the age gap with this new man is embarrassing for you? Why the "complicated" connotation?
You should feel bad but the problem with you is that you fail to act.
You failed to act and take control of your emotions and now you've failed to act
and tell the sorry man you're currently seeing the truth.

it was our christmas do the other week and he spoke to me and said how sorry he was and that is head was all in the wrong places and he still really likes me. the lad im seeing at the moment is really really nice but i just cant help feeling bad for liking someone else. havent got a clue what to do and wether i could ever trust him again ?? very confused.

There is nothing confusing about this situation.
It is very clear and if you just take a moment to stop and think about what you're doing
you would see things very clearly.

(1) Your ex (that still likes you) is a thief and a manipulator.
He's figured how to prey on woman (via their emotions) and has you still in his grasp hook, line and sinker.
Now that you have been told of the truth? What will you choose to do with it?

(2) You have a problem with confrontation -evident by your unwillingness to
face the truth: Your ex doesn't really like "you" he likes the fact you are naive and seemingly stupid.
(Deceitful men love this and will exploit it) You also don't have the integrity (that a woman should have)
in telling your current boyfriend you are jipping him of an exclusive 2 party relationship while you fantasize about the other.

(3) You don't seem to have a good conscience and your intentions are to use this current man
as an emotional disposable paper plate while you lie to him (by omission) of your true feelings.

If this isn't clear to you that what you are doing is wrong I don't know what else to tell you.
I should add that it isn't wrong of you to feel what you feel for your ex...If that is how you feel, no worries...

However it IS a problem while you are in an other relationship with someone else and you choose to conceal these feelings.
The man you are conning deserves to have a women to love, honor and respect him (and only him) wouldn't you agree?

[chloeee123]

wow thank you so much for the reply ,

yes would say the age gap was a little embaressing.

also iv only just been faced with this situation i never intended to be using anyone , i havent been seeing the current man for very long , and i hadnt spoke to my ex properly since , i know deep down that i am being niave and stupid but iv never been intrested in a relationship with anyone but my ex . When i spoke to him he appologised for everything he had done , said his head was in all the wrong places because hed just come out of a long term relationship and thought it was his chance to start seeing other people , having some fun ect and now he wants that relationship. i dont want to rush into making any decisions which is why i havent spoke to anyone about it , and i know its only fair that i should tell the current man the truth but i just feel as though this is always going to happen , ill feel as though i cant meet anyone else but i cant get over my ex and so it isnt fair to meet anyone else ?

[MynameisJesus]

I find it pretty funny that this thread is called "confused" because there is nothing confusing about this guy.
You realize that he is a total jackass, a thief, a liar and a manipulator. But regardless of that, he turns you on and you are looking for excuses to justify what he did. (Maybe he wants to change? Maybe I can help him change? Maybe he really regrets what he did)

He doesn't regret it. He will use you again. But if that's what you like, go for it.
I don't think you are naïve. I think you are lieing to yourself, hoping that you have misjudged him but you haven't.

I suggest you tell the truth to your current partner

[SelflessnHumble]

wow thank you so much for the reply ,

yes would say the age gap was a little embaressing.

also iv only just been faced with this situation i never intended to be using anyone , i havent been seeing the current man for very long , and i hadnt spoke to my ex properly since , i know deep down that i am being niave and stupid but iv never been intrested in a relationship with anyone but my ex . When i spoke to him he appologised for everything he had done , said his head was in all the wrong places because hed just come out of a long term relationship and thought it was his chance to start seeing other people , having some fun ect and now he wants that relationship. i dont want to rush into making any decisions which is why i havent spoke to anyone about it , and i know its only fair that i should tell the current man the truth but i just feel as though this is always going to happen , ill feel as though i cant meet anyone else but i cant get over my ex and so it isnt fair to meet anyone else ?

Look, I'm going to tell you something you probably won't expect to hear...
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to give your ex another try -nothing whatsoever!-

However it is the "manner" in which you do...that makes all the difference in the world for all parties involved.

Example:

(1) Sit your current man down and tell him:
"Look, I want to tell you something I did not have the fortitude to tell you how I truly felt deep inside."
"I've realized that I still have feeling for another man and I don't think it is fair to continue with this relationship, while I
feel for this other man. You've been a great guy and it's nothing you did to make me feel this way. I
just have unfinished business and I can't continue pushing aside my true feelings."

You make a clean break that will hurt him: BUT he will respect you for it
when the hurt subsides. THIS ^^^ is what people fail to do and it is the right thing to do.

(2) You sit down with your ex and you tell him about the hurt you've been carrying because
you put all of your love and trust into their relationship. He needs to not just "know" he hurt you
but he has to "feel" it via your words and emotions...Once you have told him this you tell him
(without divulging all of your cards of course)

"I'd like to give us another go BUT there are some requisites I need you to be on the same page..."

The foundation for a cheat-less relationship:
-Do not lie -ever. (Why?) Lying is the gateway drug for all other evil deeds. You invite it into yourself/your life.
-Open and honest communication: no matter the issue you two talk about it, not conceal it.
-Trust is earned once it has been betrayed - it isn't given just to make someone happy.
-You can "never" go back to how you two were: this is a new beginning (emphasis on beginning)
-He cannot expect you to have sex just because of your previous relationship: when you are ready, not before.

Don't betray yourself just to make him happy.
Truth be told people CAN change BUT while you don't know his internal true intentions you can
actually reveal them through his actions and his words towards you...NEVER B-lame yourself
for *his* choices -ever.


If he pressures you into sex he has revealed his true intentions.
"I'm a man" is NO excuse and if this excuse is allowed to perpetuate expect more
of the same from him as he did in the past.

Be assertive and protect yourself.
You don't ever give all of yourself to someone in one lump sum.

One key piece of advice:
Don't ever be the aggressor if and when an argument arises. (no matter how high your emotions run)
Be humble, slow to speak and slow to anger and HE will show you his true self.