EVERYONE says run but I can't even put the shoes on!

[caramelbuttons]

Ok so here is the deal...
(in a nutshell)

I met a guy last year and we hit it off straight away. We had only known each other about 3 weeks before we starting going out together officially but it felt like we had known each other for ages. We had great times together and he was so nice to me all the time... my friends used to say he was besotted with me and he would refer to me as a saint etc etc... We never fought and in the summer we went on a trip to Asia...everything was pretty serious and everything was pretty awesome...
BUT
...basically I was always a bit iffy about this guy as I felt that he couldnt be as perfect as he seemed...there were always little gaps and glitches in his stories and facts in stories would sometimes change second time round etc etc... anyway one day we were having a discussion about people we had been with before each other (bad bad conversation too have I know)... now I knew that he had been in a 3/4 yr relationship before me but I was under the impression that this had ended 8 months previous to us getting together and that he had not been with anyone else since...which is exactly what he told me.

Ok so here is where I am the bad guy...anyways for some reason I just didn't believe this and went on a mission to find out if this was true or not...basically I looked at his phone / went through his facebook history and found out that there was in fact someone before me and the had only really stopped being in contact when he met me. (I know I am the ultimate bad guy/ girlfriend psycho for doing that but I had to)

Ok so I now know that he has lied blatantly to my face and I now know the name of this girl.

Basically after another few months it all comes out one drunken night. disaster. he denies it all. of course he does. buuuuut I believe him and we are back on track. I.am.a.loser.I.know.

Ok so basically a few more stupid lies are told and he ends up breaking up with me based on me not trusting him. I asked him not to do it. he did. He then doesnt talk to me for a month. I then get a drunken phonecall asking me to get back with him and then from there on in has been contacting me ever since asking me to get back with him and that he has made the biggest mistake of his life...I have not given him a direct answer but I have been meeting up with him etc etc because I enjoy his company and I still love him.

Anyway things r looking up,3 months pass and it is kinda looking like it would be nice to try things again...BUT THEN BOOOOOOM.....I am out with my girls in a nightclub and I bump into....HER! the girl before me who "did not exist".... she recognises me from photos and comes over to say hello...I nearly get sick and pretend I am not in contact with this guy anymore and I have to do it...I ask her about their history..anyway she tells me exactly what I thought...they were together for a few months..fizzled out when he met me but stayed in contact right up untill August....which would have been when I confronted him about all this (something like 9months in)...anyway he STILL denies it and I don't believe him this time but I am convincing myself that he is good deep down and that it is all irrelevant... but I just cant stop thinking "WHY THE HELL DID HE LIE ABOUT THIS GIRL'S EXISTINCE YET KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?!?!?" and also is he telling the truth and she is lieing? (oh he told me she is lieing)

everyone says run but I can't even put the flippin shoes on to get out the door!! HELP!!

[damn2010]

Girls, more so than guys, will put on a facade to make themselves "look good" for the other and get them to be perceived in the right light. In this case he is hiding something in his background before he met you.

Now, maybe he didn't consider this a relationship and it was somewhat a meaningless fling to him since it fizzled out. It really depends on the history he and she share and what you know. His denial too is not helping as it is digging a deeper hole for him to crawl out of as he is lying to you about this.

Now when we start dating, both guys and girls know NOT to put all your eggs in one basket and sometimes will date/talk to other people until they settle on ONE. Sounds like that was the case with this girl. You even say that he stopped talking to her around the time he met you.

Yes, it is wrong for him to continually deny her existence. Then again, why would he hide her? Perhaps because after you broke up he spoke back to her as Plan B?

He probably continues to deny because he fears now if he reverses his story that you will leave him. The thing with this girl could've been nothing, but then again, he shouldn't lie about it.

You really need to sit down and calmly discuss it. Yes, denying this can be a big deal because he then shows he can't be trusted in the future.

[caramelbuttons]

Thank you so much for your advice!

I have sat down with him and calmly discussed twice already...probably because I wasnt happy with the first resolution...i.e. he did not admit it.
Oh one factor I forgot to add to this was that she was 18 and he was 23.....I was 22...he says he was ashamed of letting me know this. He says it was something he was not proud of....but I just still don't get how he would stay in touch with her for sooo long after this...especially if he was as ashamed as he says he was.

I do love him and I keep telling myself that this is so stupid...but I have made it an issue as I feel that he needs to be honest with me before I say yes to trying things again. Am I being ridiculous? like the guy has already broken up with me for crying out loud??....should I just put everything aside and move on with him to better things...??

You see my fear is that I cannot trust him again. silly lies can sometimes be worse than the big ones.

[caramelbuttons]

sorry that sounds strange...he eventually admitted to kissing her once off randomly....the second time i confronted him after i met her in the club...

[SelflessnHumble]

I met a guy last year and we hit it off straight away. We had only known each other about 3 weeks before we starting going out together officially but it felt like we had known each other for ages.

there were always little gaps and glitches in his stories and facts in stories would sometimes change second time round

(1) 3 weeks is NOT enough time to get to know someone. Your intuition went out the window in exchange for infatuation.
(2) Gaps in stories indicate lying period. Apparently 3 weeks was much too soon to trust someone because
your emotions and your "heart" lied to you.

Ok so here is where I am the bad guy...anyways for some reason I just didn't believe this and went on a mission to find out if this was true or not...basically I looked at his phone / went through his facebook history and found out that there was in fact someone before me and the had only really stopped being in contact when he met me. (I know I am the ultimate bad guy/ girlfriend psycho for doing that but I had to)

I think it is good of you to admit snooping like a sneaky little snake around in his personal affairs.

Even though you felt his actions gave you a reason to snoop: his personal property isn't yours.

He denies it all. of course he does. buuuuut I believe him and we are back on track. I.am.a.loser.I.know.

He lied straight to your face, basically disrespecting you not once but TWICE! Yet you take him back?

I have not given him a direct answer but I have been meeting up with him etc etc because I enjoy his company and I still love him.

Wow, really? YOU are a glutton for punishment. I'm starting to think you actually like being a door mat.

You enjoy his company?
I'm sure Tina Turner still loved Ike even after he beat the ish out of her yet she didn't stick around.

I am out with my girls in a nightclub and I bump into....HER! the girl before me who "did not exist".... she recognises me from photos and comes over to say hello...I nearly get sick and pretend I am not in contact with this guy anymore and I have to do it...I ask her about their history..anyway she tells me exactly what I thought...they were together for a few months..fizzled out when he met me but stayed in contact right up untill August....which would have been when I confronted him about all this (something like 9months in)...anyway he STILL denies it and I don't believe him this time but I am convincing myself that he is good deep down and that it is all irrelevant... but I just cant stop thinking "WHY THE HELL DID HE LIE ABOUT THIS GIRL'S EXISTINCE YET KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HER WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?!?!?" and also is he telling the truth and she is lieing? (oh he told me she is lieing)

everyone says run but I can't even put the flippin shoes on to get out the door!! HELP!!

You don't want help honestly. But for the sake of trying to actually give you help...here is the best advice I can give.

You have absolutely no place to complain about his behavior when you:
-keep taking him back, over and over and over again.

-When you take him back you are giving him the opportunity to lie again, then you have the audacity to
punish him for hit after you have already taken him back? Does not make sense.

You actually keep making excuses (to stay with him) just because you enjoy his company
and "still love him." Don't you see that?

Don't worry about why he lied about it.
Worry about your issues with men and why you allow yourself to be the victim, YET you keep
forgiving him time and time again which sends the message to him: Lie to me again, I'll believe you!

You're either desperate or can't find another man worthy of your time.
If you don't want a true relationship then by all means keep dating this fool.
Secrets will mount and then you will wonder "why does he lie to me?"

(Because YOU allow it!) Then...you simply ask for more!

[reeba]

Who is this 'everyone' who says to put on your running shoes? I don't see anyone at this site saying that. Are you withholding vital info?

let me see if I understand this right. When you first met your boyfriend he said he hasn't been in a relationship for a while. Then, well over 6 months ago you discovered, in the interem between his previous girlfiriend and you, your boyfriend 'kissed' another girl and went out with her a few times. 3 months later you asked him about it, and it doesn't sound like you calmly asked him about it since it was when you were drunk, and he denied it. So you broke up. Now you are wanting to get back together with him.

Kissing someone and going out with them a few times does not constitute a relationship. Did you tell your boyfriend every guy you kissed when the two of you were 'disclosing' previous relationships? How about a blow by blow account on every date, even if they were just a dinner date, or within a group of friends? And did you tell the truth on the number of guys you went down on, or slept with? Or did you fib a little because so and so didn't count since it was a one nighter or because you were drunk or because you didn't realize he was a jerk at the time?

First, what he did before he met you is really none of your business unless he was a jerk and you are concerned he will treat you the same way.

Second, you need to rethink that drunk night where you confronted him. Do you really ask him the right direct question, or were you doing some silly game/trick by saying indirect things like 'are you sure there wasn't someone else?' The problem is that is not a direct question and can be misinterpretted. Are you asking if he had a loving relationship, or a couple of dates, or a fling?

Third, you do have TRUST issues. And you have a long term memory, meaning you don't FORGIVE. And you don't know what battles to pick when you want to fight, meaning you are making a huge issue about NOTHING, save your fights for something that matters.

Foruth, you also sound like you have JEALOUSY issues.

You need to rethink your actions. If you were him, would you want to date you? A girl who gets drunk and flies off the handle, gets jealous over a girl you just dated a couple of times, snoops into phones and facebook, remembers every infractions/wrong you did half a year later?

[caramelbuttons]

Thanks reeba....I think I needed that... I could literally picture you pointing the finger and giving out to me!
I am completely over the top about everything all the time...I can't help it!
C x

[reeba]

well if you can take my scolding, you must not fly off the handly that easily if you want him back, talk to him and apologize even if you don't think you are in the wrong. and maybe he will return the gesture and apologize, even if he doesn't think he is in the wrong.

that is what mature people do. they pick their battles, and they also know when to let the other person retreat or let the other person win, to let them save some face/pride. you don't always have to go for the jugular. battling to the death means even the winner will have some pretty nasty wounds.

[Meskazc]

You know, you had to go poking around (and look where it got you).

Does it really matter who he dated before you? You had him at that point, what does it matter if he doesn't want to tell you about all his exes? Do you need to know all his previous favorite television shows or songs too? It just seems like you went digging for something just to find something, and if that's the case then maybe you weren't completely happy with him to begin with. Maybe you have your own personal issues to work on, having to do with trust (not trying to be rude, just honest).

Maybe he didn't tell you because it wasn't important. Maybe he absolutely regretted the fact that he went out with her, maybe she broke his heart. Maybe he knew that it was really none of your business in the first place?

He was right to break up with you, I'm sorry but he was. I would break up with my girl if she went through my phone, facebook, etc. It's not supposed to be like that. Learn to trust your partners, you will be much happier in the end.

I hope it works out.

[smackie9]

My god if I had a BF digging around my phone and shit to point out a a few silly lies they would be kicked to the curb....it's so petty you people.