Should I try to reforge this? If not, how do I move on?

[MatchesMalone]

(this is lengthy but more info is better, right?)

This girl is the second "long" relationship of my young life. I am 19, and I am pretty certain she is the first girl I've ever truly loved (I also lost my virginity to her so my view may be kind of skewed). We went out for 6 months before she broke it off without allowing me any real closure.

It is only in hindsight that I realize my mistakes. I was a bit too clingy. I told her I loved her after a week or two of dating (way too soon, I know), and at times I was too serious about our relationship. I also realize that I allowed us to enter a rut by not doing exciting things and simply hanging out all the time while at college.

Having said that, she played a lot of petty mind games. She ignored me on a few occasions when she was angry, was pretty reserved with her emotions, and rarely complimented me (perhaps due to her Asian upbringing? not to be racist but her parents brought her up speaking Cantonese and whatnot).

Having said that. When she did compliment me, they were some of the most heartfelt compliments I've ever received. And after she told me she love me, after 4 long months... it was something almost indescribable for me - I was the first person she ever openly said "I love you" to in a romantic sense. Perhaps it was basic human psychology, but hearing those words and those compliments was incredible. Not to mention I was infatuated with everything about this girl, her mannerisms, her sight, even her scent.

Almost six months into the relationship she asked for a week-long break, and before the break even finished, she wanted to break up. This was devastating because for the entire week I reflected on how to personally mature and make the relationship work well. I felt like (and still feel like) with this knowledge I could/can make it work. I just don't know how to prove it to her.

Having said that... our only interaction has been saying "hi" in the hallway, and a couple conversations online. I invite her for some ice cream at the end of the semester, but she refused, saying that she didn't want to do anything until next semester. (now we are on winter break).

What breaks my heart is that on her facebook and tumblr she posts depressing things. She acts like all of her romances have hurt her and that she is emotionally injured. I once asked her if I ever hurt her - she said "no" but I have no idea if that's true. She also won't grant me true closure. She refuses to tell me what went wrong, what I did wrong, and why it ended.

I know. I'm a chump who should move on. It seems like she practically has. From what you've read, is there a glimmer of a chance that next semester we can make it work? Or should I just move on? Also - how can I move on from what I'm pretty certain is indeed my first true love?

[chiknfingaz]

You and I are in similar positions. I have only had one girlfriend in my life. We dated 2.5 years - she was my first everything. She dumped me abruptly and on text. Barely seen her since. Its been 6 months and I'm not over it. Now, this is going to sound hypocritical because I have not fully been able to do this myself. But you just have to move on. I think you are and I are similar - we look for girls that we can save. We look for girls that are emotionally traumatized in some way so we can try and save them, and feel like supermen. The story of your ex being "emotionally injured" rang a bell for me. My ex was an emotional wreck and it made me feel amazing to try and rescue her.


You and I need to find women that not only are loving companions that fit our lifestyles, but are able to motivate our emotional growth and are willing partners in the process. I know you're hoping for the chance of a reconciliation - and it IS possible (although extremely unlikely), but don't hold your breath. And by saying that I want to convey to you that the things you went through with her, the "lack of compliments" and so forth, those are things you didn't like. Now wait for someone to come along that doesn't do that. I want my ex back too, but only because that's the only love I've ever felt. I would take her back this very instant even though she was a bad partner, only showed me her false self, and dumped me via text en route to staying at my job and flirting with guys in front of me.

I've been seeing a relationship counselor. Maybe you should consider doing the same - no shame in it. Remove everything that reminds you of her, but don't have anger behind it. I am very angry with my ex and most of it was my doing (trying to contact her too many times and eliciting annoyed/cold responses from her, looking at her facebook too much after the breakup, etc). Just remove her from your life, no contact, etc. And move on.

[Boisdevie]

Stop trying to find out what she's doing on Facebook etc. And find another girlfriend. And next time try to be less clingy

[MatchesMalone]

Hmm. Are you sure there's no way I can show her that I've changed and give it another go? Also, simply deleting her off of facebook won't really help that much, I'm going to be seeing her in the dining hall almost every night in a couple weeks, lol

[7th samurai]

the only way you can show her that you changed is to put on a smile and stop trying to contact her and to get back with her. even if you get back with her (im talking to the chiknfingaz aswell) what do you think would happen? it would be the same old where shes a bitch to you and after a while you would the same txt msg saying that shes breaking with you.

and as for "trying to feel like superman", its not that trust me. its your low-self esteem and low self-respect and you thinking that you dont deserve anything better.

[MatchesMalone]

Since the breakup 3 months ago I've contacted her maybe 6 times total. In the past 3 weeks that number is 0.

The thing is, I'm not sure how to raise my self esteem, lol. I genuinely feel like I loved this girl and that this break-up was just a wake up call that my previous actions weren't working. Not sure how to break this mindset!

[7th samurai]

sort of "i dont know what i had till its gone". and you probably did love the girl. but think long and hard "were you really happy with this girl?" and be honest about it. also are you missing her or are you missing the "feeling of her" (by this i mean having a gf). i know i've done it before. i did everything to get back with a girl and after i did i was like "ooo shit what did i do that for".

as for self esteem, just live your life, socialise trust me it will come naturally.

[MatchesMalone]

When she wasn't playing mindgames (which due to this low self-esteem I'm practically blaming myself for), yes, I was really happy. Bah, what a predicament.

[7th samurai]

then why dont you take time off and work on it. if a person is not happy with themselves they wont be happy in a relationship.

[MatchesMalone]

Any advice where to start?

[Dean Kaplan]

Matches,

You sound as if you know the answers, but love is clouding your judgment. Sounds as if she's moved on. And if she's moved on, you have to. The longer you put off moving on and cutting off all contact from her, the longer it's going to be until you heal. Doesn't sound like things are going to workout between you. You need to mentally move on and stop looking for her online. Your only hope at reconciliation with her is to move on with your life, and maybe she'll wonder why you've moved on and get curious about what you're up to, and contact you. I wouldn't hold my breath on that to happen, but it has happened, and possibly can happen in your situation.