Firstly thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read my message Obviously I am in desperate need of help and advice.
I'm sure like many people I never thought that I would be in this situation - but I am - it has happened and now I need to deal with it.
My previous relationship with my ex-boyfriend was one of the best, I thought he was the one, most of the times in this relationship were the happiest of my life, but it ended - and messily. We split up - maybe too hastily - he had a one night stand shortly after and the girl ended up pregnant - we were both devastated - there was no closure - it was too painful. He fully supports his child and has a healthy non-romantic relationship with the mother. It took me along time to move on - although I never completely got over it - as much as I wanted to - and I really wanted to. But as time passed I came to realise that he will always be part of my life and even though it didn't work out he will always be special to me.
18 months later I met someone else - 1700 miles away! I quit my job, left everything behind and we moved in together. (I first met him 7 years ago but our paths kept crossing, the year before I met him but was not ready for a relationship - we had 6 months of online contact before I met him again and we decided to get together). We had great times, difficult times, but we fell in love. Of course it wasn't easy - I was in another country and we moved in together so quickly - but we made it work - and yes I love him. My family came out to meet him and I lived with his family for one month before returning home. His family don’t speak a word of English but I wanted to be with him so much – I felt so isolated at times but to be with him made it worth it.
Throughout my times away there were times when I did think about me ex - times when I was low or upset, I didn't want to but sometimes I did - not that I felt in love with him - I really don't know what I was feeling. Sometimes you forget about the bad times and just remember the happy times. We were occasionally in contact - the odd message asking how the other was doing.
Well I came home and it was hard to settle in, I knew I would be returning to my BF in 3/4 months and I knew i had to make money to do this - I found a job and we continued our relationship long distance. I wanted to meet with my ex- to see how he is, I wanted to maintain some contact with him and keep a civil relationship.
I hate that I sometimes think of him if I have been drinking...but sometimes I do, and I called him - just a casual call and arrange to meet for coffee. Because of our relationship our families became very close and they still are, so I often hear about him which doesn't help.
The next day I regretted this decision - messaged him, apologised and told him that it was a mistake to call (thinking that he would take this as we would not be meeting up). Well I didn’t hear anything prior to the arranged meet up - but he was there - at my workplace and I had already taken my lunch and he had been waiting for 45 mins. I felt bad for him and invited him out later this evening as I would be with friends. He arrived, somehow we were left alone, drinking.......and yes I ended up at his house a stupid decision. I remember being there and thinking - you have allowed yourself to get into a potentially risky situation and you are drunk - go home. I asked him to take me home and he said I could stay just to sleep.....but we ended up together and I have cheated on my boyfriend.
I am absolutely devastated ashamed and disgusted with myself. I do not condone cheating, I have been cheated on myself it is the most painful thing I have EVER experienced. I have witnessed cheating and I have been disgusted by it. I feel sick and I hate the situation that I have caused.
I know that my ex boyfriend still loves me - he is a good man, he has not met anyone else and he would love for us to get back together. I never had closure and as hard for it is for me to admit it was inevitable that we would see each other again - he was always in my head - there was never any closure. But being with him and talking to him made me realise that things would never be how they were - the happiness we once had would never be re-created. But I have found that out at the expense of my new relationship. I stupidly put myself in a situation that has ruined everything.
Now I have been reading lots of advice forums - do I tell him or conceal this from him?
I love my boyfriend - I know some of you may not believe me but I do. And this has made me realise what I want. I know that if I tell him it will ruin everything but if I do not tell him then am at risk of living a lie.
My boyfriend has had a troubled past. He lost the love of his life as she cheated on him during a break. He spent many years resenting women and sleeping around not willing to commit. He got married his heart wasn’t fully in it it was more a convenience for both of them - he cheated on her a couple of times and then realised that actually he wanted to make it work - he never confessed but it didn’t work out regardless. He has major trust issues and it took a long time for him to trust me which I accepted. He has told me everything, the good the bad and the ugly. He is very protective and I think he would end things if he knew the truth. He has said he would end things if I cheated – but then again of course he would say that – so that I don’t cheat. So I really don’t think our relationship could survive me confessing. But I do not know what to do I am going through mental hell and yes I deserve it. Throughout our time together I have been completely faithful I would never dream of cheating, if only I had dealt with issues of my ex a long time ago.
I had so many doubts before - moving away to be with my boyfriend so far away from me, the issue of my ex always in my head. And now I know I want to go forward in this relationship surely I have ruined it. He has not always made good decisions in his life but he wanted to be honest with me about everything. I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do???
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Thread: please help me out
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14-01-11, 02:56 AM #1
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please help me out
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14-01-11, 03:22 AM #2
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You are not being truthful to yourself. It's not about cheating, it's a realization that you are with the wrong man. This BF of yours has too much wrong with him, and from what you said, he is over protective, had trouble dealing with infidelity of partners, etc......if he finds out he won't be able to take it. Another thing is, if you are thinking of spending a life time with him, the relationship is doomed because you have to keep a secret from him....that means there is no honesty. As for your ex, it's not about closure, it's about how you still love the guy and I feel you are waiting for someone to tell you that you still love him very much....you do don't you? I know you do and I feel you should give him another chance. It's so there....take it.
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14-01-11, 03:52 AM #3
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If you don't tell him and he finds out, you're done. Forever
If you don't tell him and he doesn't find out, you live with a scar and there's gonna come a point where you can't take it anymore.
Telling him is the only solution. He will probably end the relationship (temporarily) and need a lot of time for himself. But if I were you, I couldn't even look him in the eye one more time without confessing all of this.
You have put yourself in this position and now you have to pay the full price for it. He'll get very angry, but there's a chance he will forgive you someday.
If you keep this for yourself and he finds out in a different way, you will lose him for good
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14-01-11, 04:00 AM #4
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Yeah, what is going to happen when you move to a country where you don't know anyone or speak the language...and THEN he finds out and dumps your butt? You have to tell him now, so he can chooose to forgive or not.
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14-01-11, 04:02 AM #5
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It makes me so sad people are able to cheat and hurt their SO so badly... I don't know how people can live with themselves...
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14-01-11, 04:44 AM #6
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A couple of thing to note Kaycey...
Originally Posted by kaycey
You have negotiated and reasoned with yourself in order to make the excuse that "he will always be a part of my life..."
You have made that decision all on your own. 2nd, you never faced the issues nor addressed them with your ex...
which is why till this day they still linger and seep out. I think it's good of you to read up on the forum prior to posting because it seems you have identified the issues (you were still emotionally attached to your ex) -which honestly short changes your current boyfriend- not cool.
The fact of the matter is your ex CHEATED on you period. Originally Posted by kaycey
This didn't stop you from still loving him. However his taking responsibility of the child he co-created didn't sit
well with you and in some cruel way he seemed to have his first child with a one night stand, not you -which hurts-
The fact you were still in contact with this man tells me you kept the line of communication open because you still loved him.
Does your current BF know you keep in touch with the ex who cheated on you? I doubt it.
HUGE mistake and I haven't even read the proceeding sentences. Originally Posted by kaycey
Well, I'm certain you wanted this to happen. In your messaged apology did you mention you were in a serious relationship with your boyfriend? I'm guessing no. You felt bad for him was an excuse to invite him out later in the evening...Why not the next day for lunch? Why at all? Originally Posted by kaycey
If this were truly a friendly encounter (which it wasn't) you would NOT have allowed yourself to "be left alone" -as you DID-
A cab, calling a friend or more to the point: you could have walked your last remaining friend out the establishment.
Don't B-lame the alcohol. Alcohol only heightens the emotions you have locked up and lied to your current BF about.
You chose to sleep with your ex because your selfish wants and needs were more important than honoring
your commitment with the current boyfriend. <-------------Truth.
All of your outrage, and disgust for your actions should have been evident BEFORE allowing yourself
to go to another (single) man's home. We all reap what we sow. This is why your current boyfriend deserves
100% of you in the relationship, not the diminished figure you give him.
See that? THIS is what you need to say: To the man you had LIED to: your boyfriend who Originally Posted by kaycey
has done nothing wrong but love and accept you for you.
Since you aren't in touch with your emotional fortitude allow me to state the obvious Originally Posted by kaycey
for the sake of brevity, not to hurt you or put you down:
If you have to consider concealing even MORE LIES from the man you "love" YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM.
Love=lying by omission, harboring secret feelings for a man you lied to yourself you'd never be with again
and then sleeping with this same man? This isn't love miss, I'm so sorry to tell you.
You ruined this relationship from the get go with refusing to address the emotions you held for your ex Originally Posted by kaycey
BEFORE ever meeting your current boyfriend. A mistake that has tarnished this relationship. Now you are trying to
equivocate your lies in order to salvage his pain/hurt feelings?
Are you mentioning his "troubled past" and trust issues with women as some sort of Originally Posted by kaycey
support brace to hide what you did because you know how much it would destroy him?
(This should have been thought of BEFORE cheating)
See, if you DID want him with all your heart it wouldn't have taken sleeping with your ex to realize THIS. Originally Posted by kaycey
You have zero issues lying to him about your ex: which was selfish and grossly negligent of you.
Now you aren't sure whether or not you should tell the truth about a previous lie that was taken to the next level?
I despise what you've done and what you are contemplating to do. He will as well rest assured.
Eventually the truth will come out either by your hand or someone else's. Even if this last sentence compels you
to tell him the truth (which he adamantly deserves) I hope you realize how relationships work in that you don't
bring your baggage along for the ride at the expense of an innocent man who NOW has to deal with the fact the
woman he confided in and trusted in has breached that trust...
Do the right thing and tell him the truth.
Of course he will hurt-but considering you didn't THINK to think of his feelings before F-ing your ex...
I don't think you're in a position to conceal what you've done to the relationship just to spare him your infidelity.
A lesson learned.
Just so we're clear I cap certain words for emphasis, not for yelling.
I just want you to realize that omitting feelings, guilt, resentment and harboring feelings for another man is lying.
You aren't a bad person, but make poor decisions which will end up costing you what you want most: and unfortunately
what you weren't willing to afford your current boyfriend; a loving/meaningful relationship based on respect, honor, communication and trust.Last edited by SelflessnHumble; 14-01-11 at 04:48 AM.
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14-01-11, 05:02 AM #7
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Yes I know staying in contact with my ex was not a good idea. He knew I was in a serious relationship - are families are close and everyone knows I have been away for 6 months with my new boyfriend. My ex boyfriend didn't cheat on me - but slept with someonw shortly after we broke up - I was devestated to say the least - I know how damaging it is - I cannot believe I have done the same - I never thought I was capable and I hate myself for it and am deeply ashamed and embarassed. I hate cheaters - I know people who have cheated and I never knew how they could live with themselves. I am beating myself over this quite rightfully. I never should have called my ex - i was suprised he turned up when I messaged him saying i shouldnt have called - but yes all my fault I know - I let it happen.All to realise that I shouldn't have done it. So I guess I will end up telling him - he will hate me and I will deserve it.
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14-01-11, 05:35 AM #8
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I read that wrong, I thought when you said split up meant separate. Originally Posted by kaycey
Still, shortly after he finds someone so quickly? I know it's not cheating but it sounds like he's got no conscience.
(Regarding your current Boyfriend) Look, he won't hate YOU, he will just hate what you chose to do.
Realize and understand our actions are just extensions of ourselves, they don't make up who we are entirely.
It's great to see you admit where you went wrong. So many people don't and without acceptance: closure can never be had.
If I were you I'd tell him in a humble manner and while you two are alone (look him in the eye and hold his hand)
-First tell him that you've omitted certain feelings you have had
since before you met him...Then tell him you were so happy with him and sometimes those feelings
would go away, and other times they would haunt your mind....Say you were unsure at first
why you felt this way but then....This is when you tell him
you have never had closure with your ex. While both of you physically moved on with other people...You
were still emotionally tied to him but that it wasn't his fault either.
-You then let him know that you now realize
that concealing these feelings you held deep down for so long have made you see
that he is the one you want to be with and that he means everything to you...
-Then give him a moment. You might find he will be understanding or he may appear puzzled.
Then you tell him that he has been the most wonderful man you've ever been with BUT you
have made a horrible decision which you fear will end the relationship...
-You must tell him that you breached his trust because you met with your ex and subsequently had a one night affair w/him.
-You do not ask for forgiveness, you don't repeat you are so sorry...
-You tell him the truth and then YOU look him in the eye, and tell him: "you deserve so much more than my betrayal."
-Be patient and listen to what he has to say no matter how loud or angry he gets (within reason, no physical abuse)
-Don't deny anything or argue -it's passed that point already.
-Be humble and respect what he has to told you but remember this:
True closure only happens when YOU take responsibility for what you have done...and have chosen to accept the consequences of what you have done no matter what they are!
Don't say I love you, it will just enrage him more.
You tell him you've realized what you were uncertain about all along...(and only if you mean it/it is true)
If he asks what that is: you tell him, "If I hadn't crossed the line... I know now more than ever that
I'd want to be your woman forever, (his name) and that "I would never stray from your side again."
Whatever happens (he tells you to get out) or he walks out -don't ask questions, don't argue just let it be.
Just remember...He has a right to be angry and upset which is why contact after you say what needs to be said should be zero unless he calls you. If you are willing to sacrifice your relationship to do what is right: he may forgive you OR
you will find better!
My advice isn't based on having the perfect happy ending because what's done is done.
My advice is based on taking the right road for your own spiritual growth and development (even if you don't believe in it)Last edited by SelflessnHumble; 14-01-11 at 05:38 AM.
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14-01-11, 05:46 AM #9
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OK I am so terrified of this - I am not seeing him until April - I only have contact with him via email and telephone. I have had people tell me not to say anything as he has made mistakes in the past - I know this is crazy logic...but I feel that realising I dont have feelings for my ex have clarified how much I want my new boyfriend when I was maybe unsure before - I know how selfish this sounds on paper but I am trying to be honest in my explanation. Cheating is the lowest thing I have ever done - and it didn't feel comfortable at all, but it wasn't seedy and a one night stand.......I know i'm making things sound worse but its all just a big mess right now and I know he will not forgive me. he has MAJOR trust issues and yes I should have known better.
