Dealing With A Guy's Friends

[vertical_sky]

I've been seeing this guy for about two months. Due to circumstances, we aren't in an exclusive relationship (he still has some serious scarring from his ex, and he is leaving for France in March for a year for his job) but we agreed that if we started seeing someone else seriously, we'd tell each other. We text or chat every day, and go to movies/dinner/coffee/hang out at least twice a week. I've been trying to just have fun with it and go with the flow, as I really like him.

Yesterday he invited me to a dinner party his friend was throwing. The party was about six couples, most of them friends of his whom I had never met before. I got along with them fabulously; the guys and I talked computers, and the girls and I gossiped and discussed our dogs. The guy I'm dating even made a comment, as the guys were preparing for a beer run, that I was welcome to come along but "you seem to be holding your own without any problem."

The only issue was his friend's fiancee. The guy is Italian, and at least personally, he struck me as kind of sketchy. He sat down kind of close to me and kept asking/whining that he didn't understand football, and needed me to explain the rules to him. When my guy got up, the Italian guy started grilling me. "So, how long have you been dating?" "Do you like him?" "Do you enjoy dating him?"

Here's the thing: I don't know what to call me and the guy. Is it dating? Is just "fun"? Beyond a conversation about not being committed, neither of us has brought it up. The Italian guy grilling me just seemed to turn a big spotlight onto my insecurities: suddenly I'm concerned about "what we are."

Worse yet, I didn't want to start babbling about how much I liked him or how long we'd been dating if he hadn't told his friends that we specifically WERE dating. We weren't super couply at the party; he put his arm around me a few times, and I made a few playful jokes about how he only takes me to sushi restaurants, but I don't know if his friends know anything.

I tried excusing myself for some snacks, but the Italian guy wouldn't let it go. He followed me around the party, making jokes about how me and the guy were "roommates." It felt awkward and terrible and really rubbed my insecurity raw.

How do you guys think I should handle this in the future? And how do I dump my insecurities... the guy is leaving in little over a month, so it's not as if this relationship has lasting power anyway. I want to have fun with him, send him off with a cheerful kiss, and maybe reconnect in the future with happy memories of our four months together. Am I wrong?

[<3<3<3]

If you really think that this is just for fun, leave it as it is. But if you still doubt, you can just talk to him. You can just ask him what he things about your "relationship", maybe he has the same ideas and you could figure out together, if not then you will know it for sure and not dream of being with him in future. Anyway as you say after he leaves everything will probably end so you don't lose anything by talking to him about it, whatever his answer is.

[reeba]

The term is, 'no we are not dating, but we occassionally see eachother'. No guy gives you the thumbsup to see other people, unless he is doing or trying to do the same. Trust me. He has no intention of being the least bit faithful to a relationship while in France. He is leaving his options wide open.

Best thing, is if you can handle it, keep seeing him once a week, DO NOT PUT OUT!!!!, and also go out at least once a week and try to meet someone else.

And how to handle his friend. Tell the Italian that you are not interested. Obviously your guy friend has already told the Italian that you are free to do as you please, otherwise he would have never approached you like this.

[vashti]

I think you are overly sensitive. You should lighten up some. What's wrong with telling people you are spending time together?

For the record, your relationship would be defined as "dating casually". No big deal.

[vertical_sky]

The term is, 'no we are not dating, but we occassionally see eachother'. No guy gives you the thumbsup to see other people, unless he is doing or trying to do the same. Trust me. He has no intention of being the least bit faithful to a relationship while in France. He is leaving his options wide open.

Best thing, is if you can handle it, keep seeing him once a week, DO NOT PUT OUT!!!!, and also go out at least once a week and try to meet someone else.

Well, for one thing, the Italian is engaged, so if he was trying to hit on me, that's... pretty awful.

And the relationship isn't continuing while he's in France. I have no interest in long distance, so even in the best of circumstances, it'll be ending in about a month. I just want it to end WELL, and have as good a time as possible up until then. I've kind of tried meeting other guys, but honestly, it's like a switch has been turned off... I'm just not interested. Maybe he is "casually dating" other people, and is just using me, but I can't bring myself to use him in the same way.

Thanks Vashti, maybe I am being sensitive. I've just gotten a lot of... judgment from some of my friends over this guy. A few of them are VERY vocal about how they think he's a player, I'm a fool, etc. etc. without me asking. Just getting very sick of having to justify why I'm bothering with a guy who won't/can't commit.

[vashti]

Just getting very sick of having to justify why I'm bothering with a guy who won't/can't commit.

I think the fact that he is leaving in a month or so is a perfectly good reason to not commit.

Also, you are only being "played" if he has somehow led you to believe there was a real future with him, and he isn't.

If I were you, I would just continue to enjoy him while you can, and not over-think this. Just don't get too emotionally involved, and practice safe sex, if you are sleeping with him.