Trouble Getting started

[eschaef]

Hey ladies. I was hoping for some help with a female friend. I've been interested in her for about 2 months or so, and finally decided to talk to her about it. After talking about some pretty promiscuous things, we agreed that we are going into a relationship. I just can't seem to get it started. Whenever I try to kiss her she either says no or shies away. A mutual friend talked to her and asked for me and she says that "she just doesn't like kissing".

Just what is going through her head right now? I know that she does like me and that she is willing to go into a relationship, but I'm not sure what approach I should be taking to start up the relationship. Do I start off with kisses on the cheek/forehead and then move onto full kisses after a while, or do I just try to give her a kiss at a completely random and impulsive time, or is there some other option?

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks very much in advance.

[MerryH]

Do not have your friends asking her questions about your relationship. Find out yourself. Talk to her.

How old are you, by the way?

[eschaef]

I am 21, and she is 20, 21 in mid-february. And I didn't ask my friend to talk to her, they just talked about it. Now, do you have any advice on what I should be asking? Cause I'm stuck on what I should ask.

[ashley89]

hmm I think it's kind of strange that she wouldn't like kissing, there has to be more to it than that... maybe next time you try to kiss her if she pulls away or something tell her that you wanna take it slow and just want to kiss her because you care about her, maybe there's a reason she doesn't wanna get too close or something

[ashley89]

A mutual friend talked to her and asked for me and she says that "she just doesn't like kissing".

And I didn't ask my friend to talk to her, they just talked about it.

First you said you had the friend ask her for you, then said you didn't tell her to lol

[SelflessnHumble]

I am 21, and she is 20, 21 in mid-february. And I didn't ask my friend to talk to her, they just talked about it. Now, do you have any advice on what I should be asking? Cause I'm stuck on what I should ask.

It sounds like you are much younger than that.
And, 2nd, you just said your friend asked for YOU, then you claim you didn't ask your friend to talk to her?
Sounds like a contradiction. You don't let your friends take it upon themselves to ask anything: That's your job as the man.
I wouldn't sound so pushy, MerryH gave you good advice.

It's a huge turn OFF to treat a relationship as some sort of acquisition or business deal where you discuss how you feel
for one another without going out, and seeing if there is chemistry first: I think there isn't much if any here between you.

Kissing is how people affirm their feelings for one another.
Is she going to tell you "I don't like having sex" too?

So, the first thing to do is to man up, and talk to her in person.
Hug her like a couple hugs each other, and then tell her: "I like kissing and I want to kiss you..."

"Do you have an issue with showing your affection for me?"

And then, be quiet and see what she says.
You must respect her answer (whatever it is)
It could be she really doesn't like kissing, has been sexually abused, OR is so inexperienced she doesn't like
it because she doesn't know...Either way: it's her decision and IF she doesn't wish to kiss you: you should then man up
and tell her you two are better off as friends...

She told you she doesn't like it, yet here you are asking how to kiss her????
Makes no sense. Don't force people to do things they don't want to do with you.

[eschaef]

Ok, to start off, I should clarify a few things. First, I did not ask the friend to ask, the friend asked for me and I found out after. Second, I didn't find out she didn't like kissing from the friend until after I had tried. Third, it isn't an acquisition or business deal. We've been talking for a long time and I thought that there was a connection or chemistry or whatever you may call it, maybe there wasn't. But considering some of the things we've talked about that would only be topics between boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought that we had moved past the "just friends" part.

But you are probably right, maybe she's insecure about the whole "relationship" thing, cause I am her first. I'll take it slow and take your suggestions deeply to heart. I do agree that we need to go out more and need to spend more personal time together getting to know each other and trying to make the connection happen. I'm thinking that I'll give it another month or two of going out together and then i'll try your suggestion of hugging her and then asking how she feels about kissing.

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it. Part of the thing right now I think is that I'm still partially healing from my previous relationship. I got broken up with about 6 months ago and am still healing some of the holes that were caused. I feel I'm ready enough to date again, but I'm still a little emotionally delicate.

[MerryH]

What? No, don't wait a month or two to try hugging your girlfriend. This is a problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I get that she's maybe inexperienced so you shouldn't try to force anything, but come on, she won't even hug you? Does she step away when you try to put your arm around her or hold her hand? Ask her why she won't show you affection. Maybe you're doing something that makes her uncomfortable. Then you can fix it, instead of waiting two months to do anything about it. Talk to her. Communicate. She's your girlfriend, for god's sake.

Wait, she is your girlfriend, right? I mean, you haven't misunderstood things as far as where your relationship stands?

[SelflessnHumble]

Ok, to start off, I should clarify a few things. First, I did not ask the friend to ask, the friend asked for me and I found out after.

No problem...You had said your friend asked "for me" which implies you did...

Second, I didn't find out she didn't like kissing from the friend until after I had tried.

Consider this: NO ONE in the world "discusses their interest" with a girl after 2 months of being interested in them...
(Actions do the talking, and then they talk when they wish to verbally express the physical activities) not before...
2nd, no one talks about pretty promiscuous things, then agrees to go into a relationship? It sounds disingenuous and
contrived. -Not very romantic-

Third, it isn't an acquisition or business deal. We've been talking for a long time and I thought that there was a connection or chemistry or whatever you may call it, maybe there wasn't. But considering some of the things we've talked about that would only be topics between boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought that we had moved past the "just friends" part.

No, see...women can talk about sex, and about other intimate activities without being interested in a guy.
This is otherwise known as "girl-talk" and are able to talk with a friend-zoned guy about it.

But you are probably right, maybe she's insecure about the whole "relationship" thing, cause I am her first. I'll take it slow and take your suggestions deeply to heart. I do agree that we need to go out more and need to spend more personal time together getting to know each other and trying to make the connection happen. I'm thinking that I'll give it another month or two of going out together and then i'll try your suggestion of hugging her and then asking how she feels about kissing.

See, the thing is: a woman naturally loves to kiss, hold hands, loves to be squeezed, get harm hugs, likes close contact
with a man...These sort of things don't require explanations...When you are around: there should be electric chemistry between you two: if not? Something IS wrong! Don't wait a month or two to hug her:

Touching is a requisite of an affectionate relationship.

It's possible she's never been kissed OR had a horrible experience with a bad kisser (could happen) So
you need to do other things to entice her: touch her, initiate contact, get her acclimated to her touching you.
Things like, leaning in smelling her (neckline) holding her hair while you do it: whisper in her ear to tickle her, blow into her ear subtly so she gets tingles/chills, hug her! Don't ever pat her back: this is a tell she doesn't truly like you if she pats.
A hug between two people who like each other should feel like a warm embrace, warmth, soothing...

Make her laugh, smile give her a back massage, tell her you're a certified professional masseur (playfully)
flirt with her, I mean all of these things you should know. A woman's scalp can be very stimulating if you do it right.

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it. Part of the thing right now I think is that I'm still partially healing from my previous relationship. I got broken up with about 6 months ago and am still healing some of the holes that were caused. I feel I'm ready enough to date again, but I'm still a little emotionally delicate.

Your welcome: but if you are emotionally delicate: PLEASE WAIT before getting into another relationship!
You should be "healed" already, not in the process of...it's not fair to your next partner, make sense?

[ashley89]

A woman's scalp can be very stimulating if you do it right.

yes I love having my hair played with!

[eschaef]

More clarification time. I have hugged her plenty of times, I have given her at the very least a back massage, and have fixed her back a few times cause she tweaked it somewhere. We have no fear of hugging, it just seems to be the fear of kissing. So I'll take it a lot more slower. Hug her more, hold her hand when I can, give her plenty of more massages cause she seems to enjoy those, but I think I'm going to save the subtle things (blowing on ear, subtle touching, etc.) for a while, at least a month down the road. I don't want to move too fast and make her uncomfortable.

Now another problem that is probably explained up above but I missed, whenever I try and talk about intimate things, she seems to not respond. Is this possibly because she is still nervous about the whole "relationship" thing, or is this possibly a sign that she isn't interested? I did explain above that she specifically told me that she is interested, she just needs to work out a few things, but what do you think?

EDIT: It also couldn't hurt to see her more than once a week, but its really difficult right now. Do you think that would also help, or would that disrupt it?

[SelflessnHumble]

yes I love having my hair played with!

That is such a coincidence! I'd love to play with your hair, lol

[SelflessnHumble]

Seeing her in person will always help: unless she doesn't like you.
You should just "know" based on the vibe, the eye contact and the electricity/connection/chemistry.

That said, I would incorporate her favorite characters or animals into kissing her (not on the lips) but on
places she will find stimulating: her neck line, the back of her ear, just under her ear by her cheek.
(Like Shrek for example) just to role play...

You need to get her used to your touch, your feeling, and your skin...If she doesn't in time warm up to
kissing you: you need to either accept her for who and how she is (she doesn't like kissing) OR you need
to move on and find someone who does. There is no gray area here.

I hate to say this: but it is possible she may have been either raped or sexually abused by a family member.
Kissing is intimate: and someone may have inappropriately kissed her and she may find it dirty (it's happened to me before)

Also consider since you don't see her often: she *may* be kissing someone else, and that kissing you: is a no no to her. (also possible)
The point is: something is NOT right here. I gave girls tons of massages in school -it didn't mean I liked them, nor they like me...A
massage can be platonic even though to some -it seems "personal" see? It depends on a person's perception and you will not be able
to alter a person's perception until THEY choose to change it.

[eschaef]

I've got some new info. Yes she still likes me, no she doesn't know if she likes me intimately yet, and yes, I will be working on trying to see her more and get her used to intimate touch. She is not kissing anybody else, I know that for a fact, cause she would have told me. And I think I did take it too fast, so I'm going to go easily and take the touching one day at a time.