Our problem:
We fight frequently about how to share expenses, and both of us seem to feel very justified in our thought process.
I'd like to get your opinions about how you'd feel in a similar situation or what you think is fair/reasonable.
My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. Before that we were friends and colleagues in school and work for a few years. In summary, we are the same age (27), and both professionals (physicians in training) with the same level education and current salary. As individuals we are both doing fine financially and in a couple of years we are both expecting to make very high salaries (300k+/yr and about equal to each other).
Our relationship goal is a long-term and committed one. We maintain our own apartments but for nearly the entire relationship, one of us is spending their evenings and weekends at the other's place. We have also spent extended periods of time essentially living together for several months. We know each other's schedules and coordinate our plans, whether they are things done together (most of the time) or letting the other know we need separate time (less often).
Our spending patterns at baseline were very different before we were together, as we grew up differently. My family had more money and a culture of spending without worry much about costs, bargains or deals. Her family had much less money and a culture of frugality with attempts to minimize costs whenever possible.
When together, household work is split as follows. She enjoys cooking and frequently makes elaborate meals for us. I cook less often for us and meals I know how to make are simpler. She hates to clean, I don't mind it- so I do most of the cleaning. She hates driving, I don't mind it, so I do most of that.
Here's our disagreement... (I'm going to do my best to present both sides equally)
She wants me to pay for the majority of our shared expenses. She believes it's a gender role for the man to pay. She becomes very unhappy and upset at the prospect of me not wanting to pay for her, or to "not want to take care of her," in her words. Ideally, she does not want to pay at all for dinners or "dates" out. She is willing to make offers to pay infrequently, but would greatly prefer that I do not take her up on these offers and still pay for us myself. In her own words, when I take her up on these offers, she pays reluctantly and is unhappy about it. Because of my resistance to paying for everything, she is willing to reluctantly split expenses more evenly, but still desires a fixed, uneven split of 70%-30% for example. She has said there is no particular logic to her desires, but she doesn't feel cared for when costs are split equally and all of her female friends in their respective relationships "get paid for and taken care of." Moreover, she discusses this issue with her male friends and reports to me that they are all agree with her that she should be paid for overall. If we fight about this issue, she becomes very upset, citing that it's not about needing the money or to be paid for, it's that she wants me "to WANT to pay for her."
My viewpoint is that I would like expenses split evenly. Ideally, my relationship would be one of mutual respect and contribution, in all ways, including financial. Just like her, for me this issue has nothing to do with ability to pay. It's also about my own emotional response and meaning associated with paying for expenses. I feel disrespected and devalued as a partner in the relationship when I am expected to pay an arbitrarily uneven amount. To me, this means that my love and time are under-valued because I am a man, and that I am essentially paying for her love and time, signalling that hers is more valuable. I feel like the unequal financial burden is an unfair penalty placed on me for being a man. I feel emasculinated and manipulated when she cites other people's personal examples of how seemingly all other men are willing to pay for their women, "so why can't you?" I grow resentful when she is contributing a much more significant portion of her income to her retirement account than I am while expecting me to frequently display my affection by taking her on dinners and "dates." I feel I have embraced a modern concept of gender roles and feminism, and respect and support my girlfriend's personal growth and professional endeavors--frequently offering her my genuine sympathy regarding unfair treatment in the workplace because she's a woman and recognizing the sometimes subtle hardships that have to be overcome because of this. Therefore I become upset and frustrated when I feel like the equality we agree upon in other aspects of life is not being recognied by her when it comes to money.
The end result of our disagreement is that we fight a lot, and we probably do not have as much fun or do as many things together as we could afford to. We both limit activities involving money--I avoid them so I won't feel pressured to consistently pay for her and consequently feel devalued and resentful. She avoids them so she won't feel pressured to pay for herself (or alternate paying) and therefore uncared for an unappreciated. This argument has been going on as long as the relationship has. We still do go out, and I probably still pay an unequally larger amount when averaged over time. When we first got together, I paid for everything. Because of these fights, over a year, costs have slowly become more evenly split. Yet, she remains resentful and unhappy about sharing expenses and this leads to this problem resurfacing very frequently in our arguments.
Ideally, I wish we could both have more fun and do more together, with less emphasis being placed on the costs of things and bills quickly getting taken care of in an alternating fashion. It frustrates me that the somewhat arbitrary emotional value of money (and what it can signify to her in terms of my affection) are limiting our possibilities.
Ideally, she would probably want us to have more fun and do more together, with me not being that concerned about the costs of things and me quickly taking care of our mutual expenses. It probably frustrates her that the emotionally response I have associated with spending unevenly keeps me from paying for her consistently and limits our possibilities.
How would YOU feel in this situation (men and women)? We are both curious about other opinions, and I think we're both equally frustrated how each other doesn't seem to get what seems obvious to the other person.