I am thinking of hand-writing this letter and giving it to an ex whom I never really got closure from. If you received this, what would be your reaction?
I write this note now because it took me this long to find the right words... This is something I need to tell you for my own personal sanity, so I ask you to please read it all. For starters, I wanted to tell you that you were right. We did need to break up. While I adored you and savored our time together, we were in a mutually toxic relationship. I was depressed to some extent, and you were suffering too. I've also needed this time to do some major maturing. I don't know if I'm yet what you'd call “a gentleman” but I'm positive I'm now much closer to one than I was back then.
Having said that, this is not me begging for you to come back. I know you've got a new guy, and if you really missed me you'd have probably contacted me by now. That's okay, and I honestly hope that he appreciates you as much as he should. I hope he recognizes what a beautiful and loving girlfriend he has, and that you have found happiness with him.
Now for the heart of this message. I wanted to thank you. I know I've thanked you before, but I don't know if you understood. The truth is, you've helped me mature more than anyone else. I remember we had a joke that I took your “love virginity”. In reality, you took mine too. Sure, I had said those words to someone before, but it wasn't until you that I understood what love really is. The experiences I've gained from being with you are irreplaceable. Both the good and the bad. The fun and the miserable. It was all extremely important.
The truth is, you actually understood emotions better than I did. You were able to think logically without them. And while you didn't explicitly tell me with words how you felt, in retrospect, you really did tell me all along what I needed to do. All the times you were telling me about how you wanted a “gentleman”, all the hints and whatnot... I should have taken them seriously. In my arrogance I thought that we would remain together for longer. It took our breakup for me to realize that nothing can be taken for granted... especially not other people.
I tried to apologize before, but I want to do it for real here. I shouldn't have been critical of stupid things. I should have given your music a better chance, checked out the anime/movies you wanted to watch with me, and tried out new things like going to that hockey game. I also shouldn't have pressed my sexual tastes onto you so much. Telling you and in a way pressuring my sexual fetish was stupid. You are absolutely beautiful and sexy, and turned me on without needing any of that. And most importantly, I shouldn't have argued with you over such stupid stuff.
As for us now... I honestly believe that if there is fate or destiny, our paths will cross again in some way. Maybe tomorrow we'll decide we can be friends. Or perhaps years from now we'll meet again. I don't know when, but at some time we'll be reunited. There is a connection between us. I'm not saying that we are “soulmates” or something silly like that, but I honestly believe that our time together was meant to happen, meant to end, and in some form or another, meant to begin again.
You deserved better than what I was. I realize now that spending money on dates and food doesn't matter if my actions make you miserable. I only wish that I could show you how much you helped me mature; but I know in my heart that someday I will be able to.
When I said I will always love you, I meant it. Even if I'm with someone else, you will always have a special place in my heart. You were my first true love, and no one can replace that, and honestly dear, I'm glad that it was you.
Until we meet again