could use some advice....

[marttin21]

so i was dating this girl for about 3 ish years. Everything started off good for the first year and a half or so. Even the next 6 months wer'nt that bad. But about a year ago it just hit the fan. I just got down on myself about some things going on in my life. This led to some self medictation and i really just turned into a hermit. i stopped going out with her and we would still spend every day together but would'nt do much more then lay on teh couch watching movies. My job took a slow spell and i was working less then 1/2 the amount of hours i normaly would. So mixed with my self medication and shit job the majority of our "dates" came out of her pocket. Along with that i just began acting shady even when there was no need to be. I hated every second of it and kept telling myself im going to change and she would try and talk to me about it and tell me she was'nt happy. All this would lead to was me telling myself ya ok im going to change but there would never be any actions I just feel as if i was too blind to see the big picture and see how poorly i began to treat her.

About 4 months befor she called it quits she really started getting on me about how unhappy she was and we started fighting over some very stupid things. I guess you can say emotionaly she just was'nt there any more and i could tell she was trying but i think she just had enough. Well seeing her start acting this way kinda lit a fire under my ass and i kinda saw i started slippin but think it was just too little too late.

When it came to calling it quits i found out later that an old friend of hers came back into her life and i guess started filling that emotional void that i no longer was filling. Shoot she even told me in black and white clear as day tht i was losing her. i know she was tryin to stick around as long as she could but i still did not see how distant i was from her. Well by this point the fights and break ups came from even stupider and smaller things and eventualy she began to liek this guy. Well sure ebnough as soon as she's with another guy you can only guess i instantly see how bad i scrwed up and i screwed up bad! This led to a pretty crappy break up while she started her transition from me to him. I got pretty desperate and probably made a fool out of myself with some of the emails i sent begging her back telling her i have changed. Yes i know i am as shocked as you i let her get to me like that as this is not my first long term rodeo that took a sudden hault.

Well now here lays the problem. It has been maybe 4 months sence we last talked and not a day has gone by that i have not thought about her and how bad i messed up. b i ahve tried seeing other people as well as just doing my own thing. i honestly thought the day would never come we would be apart and i beloieve had alot to do with why i was not stepping my game up. I also feel as if alot of people gave her outside advice to caus her not to act on how she really felt.

Do i know there will eb somone elese down the road, yes. I just feel like there can still be somthing left here and if i dont atleast try to get converstaion back it may be somthing that haunts me the rest of my life. I just do not know how to approach this;. So im guessing if anyone wants to chime in or has been down a similar road let me hear what ya got. I know i messed up bad and would give anything to go back in time to make it right and i know at one point in time she was in the same boat. It just kills me to know that all i had to do was treat her right (but in my mind i still was) and i would not be typing this.

or should i just take my loss and learn from my mistakes?

[BeingAlpha]

so i was dating this girl for about 3 ish years. Everything started off good for the first year and a half or so. Even the next 6 months wer'nt that bad. But about a year ago it just hit the fan. I just got down on myself about some things going on in my life. This led to some self medictation and i really just turned into a hermit. i stopped going out with her and we would still spend every day together but would'nt do much more then lay on teh couch watching movies. My job took a slow spell and i was working less then 1/2 the amount of hours i normaly would. So mixed with my self medication and shit job the majority of our "dates" came out of her pocket. Along with that i just began acting shady even when there was no need to be. I hated every second of it and kept telling myself im going to change and she would try and talk to me about it and tell me she was'nt happy. All this would lead to was me telling myself ya ok im going to change but there would never be any actions I just feel as if i was too blind to see the big picture and see how poorly i began to treat her.

About 4 months befor she called it quits she really started getting on me about how unhappy she was and we started fighting over some very stupid things. I guess you can say emotionaly she just was'nt there any more and i could tell she was trying but i think she just had enough. Well seeing her start acting this way kinda lit a fire under my ass and i kinda saw i started slippin but think it was just too little too late.

When it came to calling it quits i found out later that an old friend of hers came back into her life and i guess started filling that emotional void that i no longer was filling. Shoot she even told me in black and white clear as day tht i was losing her. i know she was tryin to stick around as long as she could but i still did not see how distant i was from her. Well by this point the fights and break ups came from even stupider and smaller things and eventualy she began to liek this guy. Well sure ebnough as soon as she's with another guy you can only guess i instantly see how bad i scrwed up and i screwed up bad! This led to a pretty crappy break up while she started her transition from me to him. I got pretty desperate and probably made a fool out of myself with some of the emails i sent begging her back telling her i have changed. Yes i know i am as shocked as you i let her get to me like that as this is not my first long term rodeo that took a sudden hault.

Well now here lays the problem. It has been maybe 4 months sence we last talked and not a day has gone by that i have not thought about her and how bad i messed up. b i ahve tried seeing other people as well as just doing my own thing. i honestly thought the day would never come we would be apart and i beloieve had alot to do with why i was not stepping my game up. I also feel as if alot of people gave her outside advice to caus her not to act on how she really felt.

Do i know there will eb somone elese down the road, yes. I just feel like there can still be somthing left here and if i dont atleast try to get converstaion back it may be somthing that haunts me the rest of my life. I just do not know how to approach this;. So im guessing if anyone wants to chime in or has been down a similar road let me hear what ya got. I know i messed up bad and would give anything to go back in time to make it right and i know at one point in time she was in the same boat. It just kills me to know that all i had to do was treat her right (but in my mind i still was) and i would not be typing this.

or should i just take my loss and learn from my mistakes?

What makes you think she is going to believe you have changed? Why would she take the chance of going back to you who didn't support her emotionally when this new guys does those things and more? You messed up, neglected her, and now you got exactly what you should have gotten -- I think you need to accept that. For the future you should know that if you really find someone special you need to cherish them and make them feel special.

The lyrics to this song are damn near the best relationship advice I think anyone could ever give.

And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago,
Who told me,
Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go
If you cling to tightly,
you're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

[SelflessnHumble]

Everything started off good for the first year and a half or so.

Everything starts off "good." People change.

I just got down on myself about some things going on in my life. This led to some self medictation and i really just turned into a hermit. i stopped going out with her and we would still spend every day together but would'nt do much more then lay on teh couch watching movies.

I like how you said *I* when referencing your internal emotional state.
But these kind of emotions SUCK for the person you are with: this will always take its toll on any relationship.
It's not fair to her that you became this way...Even worse if instead of addressing them: seeking resolution
in the form of love comfort and solace from your partner -you actually use these negative feelings as fuel
to push those that love you most...

About 4 months befor she called it quits she really started getting on me about how unhappy she was and we started fighting over some very stupid things.

She told you how she felt. What did you do about this?
I mean sure it may have been already too late but she told you 4months prior.
It sounds like you just dismissed it altogether OR argued with her about it.

She told you in black in white: and you failed to act...It happens man, own it and learn from it.
You cannot be Reactive when your misery is seeping out: and causing your relationship to suffer.
She deserves more and better.

Do i know there will eb somone elese down the road, yes. I just feel like there can still be somthing left here and if i dont atleast try to get converstaion back it may be somthing that haunts me the rest of my life. I just do not know how to approach this;. So im guessing if anyone wants to chime in or has been down a similar road let me hear what ya got. I know i messed up bad and would give anything to go back in time to make it right and i know at one point in time she was in the same boat. It just kills me to know that all i had to do was treat her right (but in my mind i still was) and i would not be typing this.

or should i just take my loss and learn from my mistakes?

It haunts you because you allow it to!
You need to face the facts:

-you two WERE happy
-YOU changed, she didn't like it: she addressed it: you still didn't resolve the issue
-she moves on: and is now happy with someone else because you weren't in a good place!

This isn't a blame game dude. You two just weren't right for each other.
I think it's great you NOW realize you messed up THEN, but while you are still in the past: she's in the present.

The fact is: you need to get to know yourself and find out WHO you are: what you do and why.
Then you need (if prudent) to change your state of mind, from negative to positive.

Ask yourself this: DO I TRULY, TRULY REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL?

Yes? Then you you need to respect HER wishes: in that she just wants to be happy.
A happiness you were unwilling to allow/nor provide her with an environment indicative of happiness and positivity.
This is how you learn! By phucking up, and by applying the knowledge learned from life's experiences.

[marttin21]

What makes you think she is going to believe you have changed? Why would she take the chance of going back to you who didn't support her emotionally when this new guys does those things and more? You messed up, neglected her, and now you got exactly what you should have gotten -- I think you need to accept that. For the future you should know that if you really find someone special you need to cherish them and make them feel special.

The lyrics to this song are damn near the best relationship advice I think anyone could ever give.

And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago,
Who told me,
Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go
If you cling to tightly,
you're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

i agree with you. maybe i was wrong in saying i was'nt there for her emotionaly. I guess i am just going off what she is telling me after we broke up. I mean I thought we were fine for the most part. I just got real tired all the time and when i would come home from work at 11 it just began to be a hassle for me to want to shower up and change and head to teh bar for an hour. I think i may have worded my original post wrong i guess i fell more towards me not treating her bad but at the same time i did'nt treat her like a "princess". Like when i said she told me she was unhappy sghe would say it so casual and would never really sit diown with me and address what exactly was the problem. i guess like i said i was blind to see how bad it really was. I kind of feel like i never let my guard down. In my previous long term relationship i bent over backwards for the girl but never got anything in return. I guess right now i feel like i should have worshiped the ground she walked on wich may not be the right idea as relationship's are a 2 way street. I will get back on here tomorrow and throw up some more details as to what exactly i am talking about as right now i am still slightly not 100% out of the panic state that comes after a break up.

[marttin21]

Everything starts off "good." People change.



I like how you said *I* when referencing your internal emotional state.
But these kind of emotions SUCK for the person you are with: this will always take its toll on any relationship.
It's not fair to her that you became this way...Even worse if instead of addressing them: seeking resolution
in the form of love comfort and solace from your partner -you actually use these negative feelings as fuel
to push those that love you most...



She told you how she felt. What did you do about this?
I mean sure it may have been already too late but she told you 4months prior.
It sounds like you just dismissed it altogether OR argued with her about it.

She told you in black in white: and you failed to act...It happens man, own it and learn from it.
You cannot be Reactive when your misery is seeping out: and causing your relationship to suffer.
She deserves more and better.



It haunts you because you allow it to!
You need to face the facts:

-you two WERE happy
-YOU changed, she didn't like it: she addressed it: you still didn't resolve the issue
-she moves on: and is now happy with someone else because you weren't in a good place!

This isn't a blame game dude. You two just weren't right for each other.
I think it's great you NOW realize you messed up THEN, but while you are still in the past: she's in the present.

The fact is: you need to get to know yourself and find out WHO you are: what you do and why.
Then you need (if prudent) to change your state of mind, from negative to positive.

Ask yourself this: DO I TRULY, TRULY REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL?

Yes? Then you you need to respect HER wishes: in that she just wants to be happy.
A happiness you were unwilling to allow/nor provide her with an environment indicative of happiness and positivity.
This is how you learn! By phucking up, and by applying the knowledge learned from life's experiences.

i gotta head out to start the first series of plowing all this snow we just got... I will comment on some of the points you made tomorrow if you dont mind checking back maybe some time after 5 pm