Trying to help this girl deal with her past

[darrenb]

I met this girl in October but we didn't really start to be interested in each other until November. We never became actually official but we were basically in a relationship together. Everything seemed fine like she really liked me from what I could tell and well feelings started to grow massively the only problem is what its now basically February and I've fallen for her but she said she lost feelings for me and doesn't think it's enough to warrant a relationship. From the start she told me she wasn't ready for relationships as she still has issues to deal with, but this seemed to go away when she wanted a relationship with me later on (like a month later) but was still kinda scared...basically she had some doubts. A few days ago she told me until she deals with her issues she can't be in a relationship right now.

After a lot of talking she revealed to me her past and why she feels so messed up. Basically she dated this guy who was her first real relationship like she lost her virginity to this guy, claims she was so innocent before she met him, and I assume loved him. She tells me they always fought and most of it was pretty much bad. When she broke up with him a while later he would call her for bootycalls and she figured if she agreed then he would take her back so for months and months she did this and couldn't accept the fact she was then being used for sex. She called it quits until the summer where she dated her another ex of hers but then would still hang out with the first guy and ended up cheating on her boyfriend at that time. She claims to have had no self control at the time and it wasn't even really about the sex for her she just wanted that first guy to like her back. In a nutshell this guy used her for sex (I can't say took advantage since she agreed to this) and treated her like crap for such a long time. She stopped talking to this guy in October and cut him off when we started liking each other in November. In December she wished him a happy bday and claimed that was it.

Now, she seems so confused. I asked her if today he wanted you back would do go back? And she took a while to answer when it should be a quick "no" right? She said when she thinks of it she thinks of the good times however she says there are more bad than good. I also asked if he called you would you answer? She said "yes, to see what he has to say since they havent talked for so long"...I'm not sure what kind of advice to give her and she wants my help. This guy somehow still has a hold on her and they broke up nearly a year ago. She said she's weak and has no self control so if he asked her to chill she might say yes. She said how being with me helped her the most to get over it and even tho she was saying yes to those questions she said because of me she would say no but I told her she needs to say no because she wants to..not for me.

She recognizes this guy is scum but for some reason she has major problems letting go. She wants to be with me and make it work but can't because of her feelings for this other guy. It's not even that strong she claims but she can't be with me at all until all feelings are gone so it's just me and her.

And this is like the condensed version so I apologize for the length.

What do you think I should tell her? She said getting everything off of her chest as not even her best friends knows this has made her like me more and has somewhat helped.

[darrenb]

bump?

told me today all the pain from before is coming back and how she's realizing all she tried to do was hide her feelings and realized she in fact isn't over him. She feels like crap and even worse for putting me through this (breaking up and now might wanting me back but at the same time not sure if she wants me back).

[IncognitoSir]

Very simple solution, leave her be until she realizes what she wants. Until SHE knows what she wants, there isnt much you can do for her.

[darrenb]

well its our mutual friends bday next week and she wants to wear a dress I bought her so we match and she told me today she wants to chill so like do I chill with her or no? Does me doing so help the situation out?

[IncognitoSir]

You want so desperately to help her, but what about you? She has to make up her mind for herself, you spending time with her actually clouds her judgement believe it or not. People usually need solitude or distance to figure out what it is that's "missing" aka what they want. You guys keep hanging out and you're gonna continue the trend of I like you, I don't like you so much, I'm not sure what I want..........you'll get most of the suffering in all of this though.

[KingZ]

If she wants to be with you, she'll make that happen. Her past is an easy excuse to fall back on.

Take the hint. Let her go.

[Kaius]

she's emotionally not ready for a new relationship. It may have taken her time to realize that, and now she is voicing it out.
There is nothing you can do about it. She got hurt, and she can't seem to bounce back fast enough for you.
I think you should leave her alone, before you get dragged down by her.

[darrenb]

Everything you guys say is right. It's just so hard to not pick up her calls or reply to her txts or on msn...she's aware we need to be distant but still does these things. I guess I really need to leave her be...thanks.

[darrenb]

So a little update on the situation. Last night I told her we can't keep doing things together if we're not a couple and how I can't play the role of a boyfriend only for her to say she doesn't want me. She ended up calling me this morning but I ignored the call but answered on the second thinking there was something wrong. Talked for a hour and ended it with see you on Saturday (as it's our mutual friends bday). She then called me 5 times this evening and I ignored it all and in between the txts were like "thanks for being so strong" then "okay come on pick up" and finally "fine i dont care". I ended up calling her to reinforce the whole reasoning to me wanting to keep my distance.

In the end of this little phone convo she basically said what she's been saying before that she doesn't want a relationship right now because of her issues and feels that if we get back together right now she might end up doing the same thing over again by wanting to break up. She really wants to be with me and wishes we met and got together at a later time as she reallllly doesn't want to lose me, but I had to let her know that I can't always be waiting around for when she wants me. Like..this is so confusing and complex that its soo much. She's 50/50...ugh we're so good together that this is so hard like eventually we will probably lose our feelings for each other by the time she's ready....if only....if only

[MerryH]

this is so confusing and complex

No, it's really not. Here, let me show you.

-You want to be in a relationship with her.
-She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

That's all there is to it.

Now here's what you do. Next time she calls you, you tell her this again: "we can't keep doing things together if we're not a couple and how I can't play the role of a boyfriend only for her to say she doesn't want me." Then you say, "I'd like it if we could be cordial when we run into each other, but please don't call me anymore. Sorry, I just can't let this continue. It's not good for me" Then you DO NOT ANSWER her phone calls, texts, nothing. You should probably just block her, since you can't seem to not come running when she beckons you.

[darrenb]

She does want a relationship with me...just not until she can deal with her "issues". She said we would be with me now but might leave me again as she is unreliable because, again, of her "issues". Reading what I'm typing makes me realize things more lol...like she wants to be with me but doesn't (not because of me but her "issues") so I should leave her until she decides. I'm trying my best.

[MerryH]

You're not getting it. She does not want a relationship.

In the question of "Does she want be in a relationship with you?" The answer is "No." Whatever reason or excuse given doesn't matter. The result is that she doesn't want to be with you.

Let's play make-believe. Take your situation and reverse it. Pretend you meet this girl. You like her and she likes you. She knows you have "issues" but has been really awesome and supportive about it and she wants to be with you regardless of any of that. Would you say no to a relationship with her? Would you be like, "Aw, yeah, I really want to be with you but I caaaan't. I've got these 'issues,' you see." No you ****ing wouldn't. Don't lie.

But I am glad that you plan to cut all contact. Wait, that is your plan, right?

[KingZ]

Like..this is so confusing and complex that its soo much.

"Aw, yeah, I really want to be with you but I caaaan't. I've got these 'issues,' you see." No you ****ing wouldn't. Don't lie.

Both of these made me laugh loudly.

So did his first post, when I glanced over the word "about". Fu​cking Canadians.