worried about mismatched sex drives

[quietandshy]

My boyfriend and I are long distance. When he is here, everything is fine. I'm still a virgin and trying not to rush things, but we fool around a lot and I'm able to get him off. I haven't been able to orgasm yet...but I think this is more my problem than his since I can't even get off when I masturbate.

Lately he has been really horny. I'm less horny than he is. I think it might be because I am on birth control, and that can have effects in lowering sex drive. It might also be because I haven't experienced sex yet and he has, so he knows what he wants but I don't. I've also been really stressed recently and I'm normally really busy with school.

Anyway, lately he's been wanting me to be more expressive about how I feel about him sexually and telling him when I masturbate and think about him. The problem is I don't do it that often, and I don't want to lie about it just to give the appearance that I'm horny when he happens to be. I also feel like I don't know the right words to use when I talk to him. He is usually very vague and I would like to be more direct. I've told him I need things to be more direct but I haven't actually sat down and figured out the right words to use (slang/not slang). I guess it would be a good idea to address that.

I just feel bad because we are apart most of the time and I don't want things to deteriorate between us because of this one issue. Every other aspect of our relationship is fine. And when we are together it's really natural and there are no problems.

[HeartIsAching]

Why are you on birth control if you're a virgin?

[quietandshy]

Why are you on birth control if you're a virgin?

There are plenty of medical reasons people go on birth control. In my case, I had highly irregular periods (like, skipping months at a time) that were really painful. Since going on birth control pills I know exactly when my periods come and I have experienced a lot less pain.

[Incognito]

I was going to ask the same question, but I see you have answered that. Beyond that all I can say is to not compromise on your virginity, remember once its gone its gone. Although I will say that you are indeed sending mixed signals if your getting him off orally or by hand, but won't have sex. His saying that he wants you to be more "expressive about how you feel sexually" reads [you need to have vaginal sex with me] to me. I may be wrong, but that is the impression I get from reading your post.

If your actual relationship is meaningful this guy will respect your virginity until your ready to lose it. This also means that...

1. you should stop all sexual contact so as not to lead him to believe that you will be ready sooner than you will be, or...
2. you need to explain that the oral or handjobs are a substitute for real sex and you don't know when you'll be ready for that

Personally I think option 1 is a better choice, but you've already started pleasing him sexually and going 'cold turkey' will probably cause him to leave since it sounds like you both are fairly young.

[Kaius]

There is a communication gap. You guys are not at the same level in the relationship. The long distance and spurts of fooling around don't help either.
If you are not ready to have sex, don't do sexual stuff. It's perfectly okay to date without all that heavy stuff. If you enjoy each other, that's all that
matters. Yes guys get horny and want sex all the time. The guy who truly cares about you will wait for you. Don't stress over this stuff.
School is stressful enough.

[quietandshy]

I was going to ask the same question, but I see you have answered that. Beyond that all I can say is to not compromise on your virginity, remember once its gone its gone. Although I will say that you are indeed sending mixed signals if your getting him off orally or by hand, but won't have sex. His saying that he wants you to be more "expressive about how you feel sexually" reads [you need to have vaginal sex with me] to me. I may be wrong, but that is the impression I get from reading your post.

If your actual relationship is meaningful this guy will respect your virginity until your ready to lose it. This also means that...

1. you should stop all sexual contact so as not to lead him to believe that you will be ready sooner than you will be, or...
2. you need to explain that the oral or handjobs are a substitute for real sex and you don't know when you'll be ready for that

Personally I think option 1 is a better choice, but you've already started pleasing him sexually and going 'cold turkey' will probably cause him to leave since it sounds like you both are fairly young.

Hm...maybe I didn't explain right. He is respectful. He's told me that his first time was a waste and he doesn't want that for me, that he would never push me into anything and wants it to be when I'm ready. He's not pressuring me into sex, he's asking for phone sex, I think. That's where the "expressiveness" comes in when we are long distance. He wants me to tell him when I'm horny and what I want to do/want done.

There is a communication gap. You guys are not at the same level in the relationship. The long distance and spurts of fooling around don't help either.
If you are not ready to have sex, don't do sexual stuff. It's perfectly okay to date without all that heavy stuff. If you enjoy each other, that's all that
matters. Yes guys get horny and want sex all the time. The guy who truly cares about you will wait for you. Don't stress over this stuff.
School is stressful enough.

I'm actually really surprised by the main message of both of these posts. Not ready to have sex, don't do sexual stuff? I thought they way you get ready for sex is by gradually progressing. I've gotten more and more intimate with him as I've gotten more comfortable with each act. I don't think there would have been one day where I just decided I was ready to have sex without first doing other things. Maybe I'm weird.

[Incognito]

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought you meant that you were focusing on the times when he is around in your post. There was no initial mention of phone sex. The thread states that you were worried about mismatched sex drives, not being uncomfortable with phone sex. Also the whole "not pressuring me into sex" thing has been seen/heard a million times by many here. I'm not saying that he definitely is, because you obviously aren't being as detailed as you could be regarding this situation, but any pushing to do something that you don't want to do over the phone will eventually translate into pushing when you two are actually together. If this guy is as kind, respectful, and understanding as you make him out to be then just taking things slow and trying things at the pace you want is the way to go. Taking things slow is not weird.

If you did not have any sexual contact with him yet I'd have advised you not to until you felt comfortable with the idea of sex (since an sexual experimentation will eventually lead there). Since you've already been doing sexual things I just want to stress that you don't allow yourself to be pressured into actual sexual intercourse until you're ready.

[quietandshy]

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought you meant that you were focusing on the times when he is around in your post. There was no initial mention of phone sex. The thread states that you were worried about mismatched sex drives, not being uncomfortable with phone sex. Also the whole "not pressuring me into sex" thing has been seen/heard a million times by many here. I'm not saying that he definitely is, because you obviously aren't being as detailed as you could be regarding this situation, but any pushing to do something that you don't want to do over the phone will eventually translate into pushing when you two are actually together. If this guy is as kind, respectful, and understanding as you make him out to be then just taking things slow and trying things at the pace you want is the way to go. Taking things slow is not weird.

If you did not have any sexual contact with him yet I'd have advised you not to until you felt comfortable with the idea of sex (since an sexual experimentation will eventually lead there). Since you've already been doing sexual things I just want to stress that you don't allow yourself to be pressured into actual sexual intercourse until you're ready.

No...there's no problem when he is around. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of phone sex, it's that I often don't feel up to doing it when he's not here. It's like I subconsciously suppress all sexual thoughts because I know it's just going to be more frustrating if I think about it.

I appreciate your words regarding the "not pressuring me into sex" thing. I know that people in relationships tend to think their partner can do no harm. But I'm fairly confident due to my trust issues I'm okay on this one. Who knows, maybe one day I'll look back at how stupid I was. Could happen.

I apologize if I'm not being detailed. I'm not doing it intentionally. Thanks.

[Sarcasticshoe]

Sex is very complex. Assuming your really into him and love him etc etc, and its only that your sex drive is lower just let him know that you really do love him that he does turn you on but (let him know that you think it is the medication you are on (you dont need to say Birth Control) that is lowering your sex drive.

If he loves you for you and not just because he wants in your pants, he will understand

And you need to not worry so much about it -- or it will make you self conscious and make the problem worse.

BEST WISHES!!!