Cold feet to propose...

[Hurl3y]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 years and we have been living together for 3 years. In order for her to move in with me she wanted me to promise that I do intend on marrying her. I agreed even though I did not know for sure but I wanted to see where the relationship would take us.

She has asked several times over the past two years when I will propose. I always tell her that she just has to wait as I will propose when I’m comfortable with it. But deep down inside I am scared to marry to her.

I think I am afraid of committing to her. We do have many common interests but we both have a different mentality on how to enjoy life. I am very adventurous and independent where she prefers to play it safe and is very attached to me and her parents.

My fear of commitment has come from meeting other women who have the same zest for life as I do. I have met some great women that share most of my passions. Where I find my girlfriend and I do not enjoy some of the same activities together.

I love to drink wine and I enjoy having craft beers. My girlfriend doesn’t drink; she carefully monitors how much I drink in fear that I will become an alcoholic. I am not allowed to drink alcohol during the week because of this and makes sure that I do not get drunk on the weekends. I usually have about 2-4 drinks when there is company over or 1-2 drinks when drinking alone.

I love exercising and working out, even pushing myself to the limits. My girlfriend is afraid of overdoing herself at an exercise class, or being in an uncomfortable environment where she might get sick. Lately I’ve really enjoyed going to yoga that is done in a warm room, or enjoyed participating in a running club where I would train for a long distance race. She will tell me that I should be making more time for her as we need to find activities that we can do together. I do agree with her on this, but I want to do my fun things too.

Our sex life is very lacklustre. On average we do it two times a month. I always have to initiate sex, otherwise it doesn’t happen. I always have to perform oral on her and she won’t reciprocate to me. She finds the act disgusting and degrading. While I do enjoy sex, it has become a chore. Often times she will try and use sex as a bargaining chip, like if I go to bed with her early every night at 10:00pm she will “do me” this weekend. Sometimes I like to stay up late to watch a movie or some television.

We do have the same goals as we both eventually want to get married and have kids. So the vision of what we want in the distant future is something we share.

She constantly reminds me about getting married, and that she would like to get engaged very soon. It is getting very frustrating. She goes to the extend of monitoring my bank account and keeping me away from making big purchases so that I will have enough money to buy an engagement ring.

Recently I shared by frustrations with her and we almost ended our relationship. I agreed to go see a couple’s therapist to help resolve our problems. They didn’t help much, except the therapist pointed out that she needs to be less clingy and to try and be more independent. Where I need to support my girlfriend more and still keep by independence but come back a little. She still refuses that she has any issues and that it is me that needs to fix my problems. She asks me daily if I am doing better.

When I stop and think about it, maybe I am just having cold feet and these are issues that every couple has trouble with. At times I think I should just man up and propose and to stop being a big baby. But other times I think I would be making a big mistake as I shouldn’t be proposing when I’m dreaming about being with someone else.

Would you describe my story as me just having cold feet or is it something more?

[Junket]

End the relationship, you're wasting both hers and your time.

[SelflessnHumble]

It is obvious to me: SHE expects to get married: and you have royally ****ed up by lying to her just to get her to move in with you. (chicken shit) is what it sounds like.
Worse: you have ZERO intention of marrying her but have no issue with taking her vagina for a test drive every time you "want" it...

You don't need a therapist to resolve your problems dude.
You don't want to get married and like the idea of banging a woman without taking that extra step she feels is mandatory to affirm your relationship: Check.

All you have to do is to be honest, why is it so hard for you to do that???
If your sex life is this hopeless and boring: WHY or how do you think that the power of marriage is going to reinvigorate her vagina/sex drive??? (It won't) In fact: expect even LESS sex with the "Grand Canyon."

You both are not compatible and because the both of you are passive aggressive: it is likely to continue UNTIL someone puts their foot down
and asserts their self...

Not cold feet...It's a HUGE mistake to marry this girl.
Both of you have issues.

[girl68]

Whatever you don't don't propose. And you should also look into your commitment fear, becasue it isn't HER you're afraid to commit to... you're afraid of committment altogether.

[Hurl3y]

Whatever you don't don't propose. And you should also look into your commitment fear, becasue it isn't HER you're afraid to commit to... you're afraid of committment altogether.

I looked up commitment fear and found this:

The key to understanding commitmentphobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitmentphobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape. Commitmentphobia is a real disabling fear, that can be manifest in many areas of life, including career, home ownership, or even shoe shopping. This fear can make simple every day decisions into a tremendous burden.
To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations.
One potentially misleading aspect of commitmentphobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem. In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationship mergers as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitmentphobic.

This is pretty much bang on to what I am feeling. I am afraid that if I do commit to her I will regret it as there may be someone else out there who is better for me. But I am also afraid that if I let her go I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life.

[Junket]

I'd be afraid of commitment if I didn't want to be with that person.

[girl68]

I think it all comes down to finding the "right" person. If she was truely the one you wanted I don't think you'd have this issue. Even the ones you previously experienced that with were still not the ones. Just because they DO share interests doesn't mean "the one". My vote is keep looking, oh yeah break up with her so she doesn't waste more years in this relationship that you clrealy isn't going anywhere.

[Junket]

I'd hate to be him right now, that's a long time to be together to not actually want to be with her.

[Hurl3y]

I think it all comes down to finding the "right" person. If she was truely the one you wanted I don't think you'd have this issue. Even the ones you previously experienced that with were still not the ones. Just because they DO share interests doesn't mean "the one". My vote is keep looking, oh yeah break up with her so she doesn't waste more years in this relationship that you clrealy isn't going anywhere.

I did forget to mention that this is my first ever serious relationship and I'm hers too.

[girl68]

Now you know what you don't want.

I thought my first serious relationship was supposed to be "the one" I learnt later that it just wasn't what I wanted long term... it was good ENOUGH. But it wasn't right, I too hesitated, what if I didn't find another great love, do I really have to start ALL OVER again... was he the best thing to ever happen to me? Well for some time longer I stayed. A few more years passed and I decided it was enough I was willing to see if there was someone out there better for me. I was right. I'm now engaged and super happy.

[HeartIsAching]

Don't do it. If you've got doubts, it's for a reason. You need to listen to yourself, and not do it. Doubt is a sure sign a marriage cannot work.

[Boisdevie]

So she controls your alcohol intake and the sex is lacklustre - so what is the point? Find somebody else. She sounds like a real pain in the arse.

[Hurl3y]

I will need to tell her ASAP as we are planning a tropical vacation together. She has told me a few times that she would love it if I proposed there. Any advice on how to present the news?

[Boisdevie]

There is no easy way to tell her - it's going to be hard but then imagine being in an unhappy marriage - that would be even worse

[girl68]

Nope, but you're going to have to know what to expect. And that's going to be: lots and lots of crying, mad tears, sad tears, furious tears, sad tears, and lots and lots of pain. She's going to ask you questions: why, how long, what did I do?, is there someone else, why now? etc. You're going to have to think long and hard about this and formulate a good solid answer, and don't be a pussy and not tell her you *need* to break up with her. Yes, it's going to kill.