I feel like im going crazy. help.

[madamev]

Hello everyone,

Im new here. my boyfriend and i broke up a week ago, but have been on
an emotional rollercoaster for months. we have had a relationship of
emotional highs and lows.mostly lows lately. we broke up in november
only to get back together in the new year. we had a holiday together
and had what i thought was an amazing time. i felt very connected to
him. he told me that he didnt want sex with me (that was highly
unusual) but i let it go because he was emotionally drained over what
had happened in the past few months - not to mention from his job
which takes him away every single weekend. he is a musician and plays
gigs in dance clubs all over the world, all the time,and it has put a
real strain on our relationship. he never goes out when he is home
with me though. i would go so far as to say that he is a homebody.
however, when he is playing he always drinks pretty heavily and ends
up using drugs. but when he comes home to me its always "healthy
living". anyway, when he came home last sunday i found escort sites on
his computer and when i confronted him he lied vehemently. after
further investigation i confronted him with more evidence. i
discovered that he looks up porn and escort sites all the time. mostly
when he is back at his hotel after his gigs. i got really upset - i
was furious. i said terrible things. he confessed to having a problem
that he says is limited to just looking. he says its a curiosity and
nothing more. he made an appt with a therapist and is now a self
proclaimed "addict" . he swears that he never paid one of these
escorts. but in the course of all this he has told me that he doesnt
love me enough to deal with everything between us and sees no future.
he says that i have too many "explosions". most of my explosions are
centered around me not trusting him. he cheated on me in the first 2
months of our relationship and i found out in the latter half. i was
devastated. i have been cheated on by several boyfriends and am well,
"scarred". i told him about my experience and asked that he always be
honest with me no matter what and as you now know - that didnt work.

upon coming home from our trip he told me that he wanted to just go
home and sleep in his own bed. on his computer i saw that he went home
and immediately looked up an escort service. he says its part of this
weird "bubble" that he is in and that it got out of control but never
went through with it. i dont know if i believe him. but i digress, he
has broken it off with me officially. so basically in one week i
discovered what he was doing and was dumped.

he always kept me on the sidelines and never really opened his life up
to me and now he says that he was always trying to make it work and
has been lying to himself. im sorry if im not telling this story in a
linear fashion. my emotions are all over the place. he is 11 years
older than me (44) and has been married before to a woman who he met
in brazil. after 1 year of going only on holidays together he flew her
over here and married her. they divorced a year later. go figure.

i spoke to him tonight and he was hysterical (crying and sobbing)and
told me that he couldnt do it anymore. i know this relationship is not
healthy, but i always fgured that if he would just open up to me and
live with me we could have a foundation and maybe i wouldnt get so
jealous. my god, even as im writing this i know how this all sounds.
pathetic. i definitely am jealous and cannot trust him. every weekend
i sit at home not able to sleep wondering if he is with another woman.
there is nothing he does in our everyday life that makes me feel
unloved. he is ALWAYS there for me. we spend all of our time together.
he has been nothing short of devoted. our sex life was always good. i
think. not so sure now. everything is up in question for me. i dont
even know if i know the man i have spent almost three years with.
my life feels destroyed. i am from the states, but now live in germany
and feel isolated. he was a big reason i stayed here and now a part of
me wants to just get out of here. i cant imagine living here without
him. he has been my whole world here. i really thought one day we
would live together and have children. my whole idea of him is
shattered. my heart is shattered. i dont know how im supposed to not
contact him. i agreed to see him tomorrow. i think he feels bad for me
as i keep trying to contact him and he wants to appease me. i just
cannot believe that its over. i cant eat, sleep...my whole body hurts.
the idea of not speaking to him is driving me crazy. he leaves to go
to south america - back to brazil again!!! i dont know how im going to
make it through that. now that he is free who knows what he will do.

i dont know how im going to make it through this. i still love him so
much. not sure where to put all my emotions. my longing. i havent
talked to any of my friends in days because im afraid to tell them the
how and why all of this went down. i guess i dont tell them because i
hope that he will come back and i dont want them to know about the
discovery that set this all off.

the saddest part is that in the last month we got along so well.
things were really good between us. i know i need to think about what
i need and what is best for me but i just feel paralyzed. im so scared
that he is going to meet someone new and give her all the things he
refused to give me. ill be 34 at the end of the month and am afraid
that ill never marry or have kids. i dont know how im going to make it
through tomorrow.

he ended up coming over today. we talked, he cried, he slept with me then left. im waiting for him to text me. im hoping that today changd his mind somewhat. he has an appt at a therapist and we discussed going together (last week) i feel that f he texts me he is trying to show me that something is there and i should ask him if he wants try?

thank you for listening - whoever is out there.

[Cinnabella]

Omg I can't read all ur post it was like... More? N more? N more? :-(

[madamev]

sorry that it was so long. i have no one to talk to and have been in my house for the past 5 days feeling totally paralyzed smoking too many cigarettes and drinking too much wine.

[Cinnabella]

Hey okay I read it. Your situation was somewhat similar to me a bit, my guy didn't cheat on me but lied to me and I distrust him from then! You know what!??? You can't trust him as he broke your trust which was cheated on you, you will feel happy and nervous at the same time, worry that he will cheat on you and you will just laying in bed thinking if he's doing it again coz you don't know and you just want to tie him n see what he was doing, right???

Okay, you were And are suffering! You need To move on, as I'm doing! I mean just do it for your sake, as the more you keep doing this you might end up in mental hospital! Lol, calm yourself down and just let it go, it will not be any any easy at all, but do it and stay with your mum! Get support from your family! You know why I'm telling you this? The hurt already chewed inside you and it was like an increasing pain if you two keep continue right now! Believe me, you will get a very hard week with tears N hurt in your stomach! But it will settle your feelings down and make you realise what you really want, after... 1,5-2 months lol! Hang in there, this will make you feel stronger, and maybe this time apart will cool down the doubt inside you and you can decide if you still want to forgive him, if you really do, you had time apart to forgive and forget the cheating! It will help so much than just keep going but suffering :-), and one thing, if he will be with someone else mean he didn't love you enough or she will just be a rebound, and if you are meant to be you will be together again! Right now, Learn the feelings that you don't care what he's up to, trust me it gets easier after 2 months lol. Hope it helps!

[madamev]

i know that i have to not contact him. im just terrified that he will be away from me and will realize that he truly doesnt want me. i know that sounds awfully pathetic and idiotic. as if my contacting him and crying was going to make him want me. i have serious anger issues, i know this and i explode constantly. but at some point i just wonder how much can i take and still believe that he is a good guy? 5 months ago it was me discovering that he was looking at pictures of his wife that he had taken when they were having sex. i saw that he had looked over 40 photos and he told me that he didnt masturbate and that the photos disgusted him. i know it sounds crazy. if you knew him you would understand why i forgive. but i blew up. just like i did this time. i say terrible things to him and about him and he gets totally paralyzed and says he cant handle me when i get like that. what i wonder is why does he always do stuff to get me all riled up. he never can explain what is going on (english is not his first langauge) and says thats its due to that....right now he is making me feel like its all my fault. even though when i say that he tells me to stop thinking that. i wish there was a way that i could react to what he does calmly, but i have sat in bed so many nights worrying and thinking. when i first met him i had a bot of a drinking/drug problem. i feel like he helped me get better but then all this seeping rage came out and i started to take it out on him. last night he told me he was afraid to have children with me due to my anger. i know he still cares. i dont know why, at this point, i havent told him to go §$"% himself. guess i traded one addiction for another.

[madamev]

i would give my right arm to fast forward to two months. if i was smart i would buy a plane ticket to somewhere nice and warm and get away from this nightmare. i just want to be able to eat and sleep. if he doesnt call me tonight it will be very painful. i dont know why i had sex with him.