Am I over-reacting with jealousy?

[bitteorca]

Hi,

brief background: been dating this girl for like a month. She says she really likes me, she says she misses me, she says she is excited to see me, etc etc. I like her too, but want to take things slow, slowish anyway, not snail's pace.

Also, I could most probably be in a relationship with her now, she has hinted at it, even asked me to ask her when she was a bit drunk. and even when sober said she would think it was nice. So pretty sure if I wanted to jump right in I could.

Anywayyyy....I'm not sure whether I trust her. She has said that I can and should trust her, and that she wants to prove to me that I can. We're at the stage where we have both said that we wouldn't want to get with other people, and she has said that she likes me a lot and wouldn't want to ruin that.

However, facebook ruining everything again, I notice that a guy who blatantly likes her (she has admitted before that she knows he likes her as well) has said that to her on her wall that he hasn't been inboxed today, and then later I see that he said he's used to her inboxing her. She just said that we'll more than likely catch up soon to him. What am I supposed to think?! I want to trust this girl. But am I over-reacting?!

I mean, I know she isn't meeting up with him or anything like, and at the end of the day, I do believe she's only seeing and sleeping with me, I'd tell you if I had a gut feeling she wasn't. I mean I can't be 100% I suppose, but you can't be 100% about anything! I'm just pretty sure.

BUT, it does bother me that she would be inboxing guys that she knows like her. Am I being jealous? Is she a girl who just likes to flirt with guys? Likes getting the attention from guys? I think this is the case. This isn't a post about her sleeping with other guys or anything. But I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. But I'm not sure whether I'm just being overly jealous? Like I said, she's the one going out with me, wanting a relationship with me, sleeping with me, sending me cute messages, etc. And I could be in a relationship with her. Its just hard because I want to trust her for me to consider a relationship with her, but at the same time, she can do what she wants because I'm not in a relationship with her when I probably could be....it's a really difficult situation...

help!

[xxazurexx]

The guy could be 'anyone'. An old school friend, a friend of the family,...even a 'family' member like a cousin.
Ask her who he is.

[IncognitoSir]

The guy could be 'anyone'. An old school friend, a friend of the family,...even a 'family' member like a cousin.
Ask her who he is.

Well he isn't just "anyone". he's totally into her, but here we go with fb again, always causing problems. Sounds like she enjoys him chasing her or else she would of told him to back off already. She's keeping herself open to everything else because you haven't made anything exclusive yet. You have to take her off the market so to speak before you can really take care of something like this.

[ktm390]

Well he isn't just "anyone". he's totally into her, but here we go with fb again, always causing problems. Sounds like she enjoys him chasing her or else she would of told him to back off already. She's keeping herself open to everything else because you haven't made anything exclusive yet. You have to take her off the market so to speak before you can really take care of something like this.

very nice! and ya facebook is horrible. caused me a lot of trouble with my ex.

[Boisdevie]

If she's with you then she should block him from FB - unless she likes the attention in which case it could cause problems

[bitteorca]

I talked to her briefly about this. I'll sum up:

I should trust her, she makes it obvious she likes me a lot and sees us going somewhere. She says she doesn't want to ruin things between us, and hasn't been inboxing ppl. But, she isn't my gf and she can do as she pleases. At least now she knows i disapprove a bit, but I don't want to bring things like this up again. She hasn't really done anything wrong when I think about it.

She isn't spending time with anyone else apart from me, and she's blatantly into me, in her own words. But I do still think she likes the attention. I think it's flirting, nothing more. Whether I can handle it (it isn't actually that bad on her side of the convos) is another matter, and whether I would want to. And whether it would continue if she was my official gf is also another matter.

Course of action: take each day and scenario as it comes. Stop thinking about stupid little things like this. If she does anything serious to harm trust then bail, but don't over react to situations where she has basically done nothing wrong!

[Darkest Heaven]

Allow her to show you what she is saying she wants to show you. What if scenarios break a lot of good matches up, so shut that voice up, or ignore it, until she blatantly screws you over. At this point, she has not.

[vertical_sky]

It doesn't have to be that she likes the attention. Girls can have a very difficult time saying no or telling guys to back off, especially if they're super pushy like this guy is (declaring on a public forum that he's sad she isn't "inboxing"... whatever the hell that is... him every day.) Girls are socially conditioned to be nice, to not be argumentative or mean. That's also why you see guys complaining a lot about a girl giving mixed signals... It's not that she's feeling mixed, it's that she only knows how to reject a guy by "letting him down gently." If she rejects him directly, she's breaking a lot of social rules, and that can be difficult for younger women to get over (before you bitch about how easy it should be to be direct, gentlemen, go outside wearing a pink tutu and a tiara. Feel that discomfort and sense of judgment from other people? It's because you're breaking the social rules of how a "man" acts. Both genders have a lot of social pressure b-s to overcome.)

Point is, she actually may have rejected this guy (from her perspective) and he doesn't get it because she let him down gently instead of CRUSHING him. Crushing him may be the only way he'll get the hint... But she can't bring herself to do that (social upbringing that girls are "nice," he's a longterm friend whose friendship she doesn't want to ruin even though she's not into him, they have a lot of mutual friends and she doesn't want to be labeled a bitch, etc.)

Look, your female companion can't control this other guy. She can't stop someone else having feelings for her. If your trust of her is based on OTHER PEOPLE'S actions towards her, you might as well sit out for the rest of the dating game (or date really really ugly girls with bad personalities who will never have other people find them attractive.) You need to trust your female companion based exclusively on her actions, behavior, etc. If you can't, then you need to end the relationship now and work on your own issues of insecurity and distrust... aka, your inability to trust her isn't based on anything she's done (only a controlling insecure guy who demand his girlfriend cut out anyone who finds her attractive and stop "inboxing" guys, regardless of how faithful she's acted.)

[xxazurexx]

I talked to her briefly about this. I'll sum up:

I should trust her, she makes it obvious she likes me a lot and sees us going somewhere. She says she doesn't want to ruin things between us, and hasn't been inboxing ppl. But, she isn't my gf and she can do as she pleases. At least now she knows i disapprove a bit, but I don't want to bring things like this up again. She hasn't really done anything wrong when I think about it.

She isn't spending time with anyone else apart from me, and she's blatantly into me, in her own words. But I do still think she likes the attention. I think it's flirting, nothing more. Whether I can handle it (it isn't actually that bad on her side of the convos) is another matter, and whether I would want to. And whether it would continue if she was my official gf is also another matter.

Course of action: take each day and scenario as it comes. Stop thinking about stupid little things like this. If she does anything serious to harm trust then bail, but don't over react to situations where she has basically done nothing wrong!

I'm not getting this situation. If you two are into each other, then why aren't you together?

And you will 'never' stop other guys from trying to hit on her. It's down to her how she chooses to deal with it and if she chooses not to deal with it and continues to allow it and without putting these other guys straight, then your gonna be in for a rough ride.

Crikey, if you are like this and 'before' you are actually in a relationship, what will you be like and when in a relationship??

She is not in a relationship with you and is not listed as being in a relationship, of course other guys are gonna try and hit on her.....as far as they are aware she's an available female.

[bitteorca]

darkest heaven, vertical sky, and azure....this is invaluable advice. Without re-hashing everything you have said, I agree with you all. She hasn't done anything wrong, and sometimes I get the feeling she might be a bit naive concerning what other guys are after anyway. And she likes me and doesn't want to ruin that. Until she does anything to counter that, I should just trust her and enjoy each day as it comes. I have come to think this since the first post anyway, but your posts have helped a lot

Thanks again for your spot on advice

[Kaius]

So you guys are dating and sleeping together, but she doesn't consider herself to be your GF? She can do whatever she wants, and you are okay with that?
I suppose if you guys are not in a formal relationship, then anything is fair game. You have no right to think anything even if she is sleeping with other guys.
My question is: how can you be into a girl who sleeps with you, but doesn't want a relationship? Can you respect her? You have been seeing each other
for a month, and you are having all these feelings. This is NOT taking it slow. You have to consider what kind of person she is, and whether that is okay
with you.

[bitteorca]

So you guys are dating and sleeping together, but she doesn't consider herself to be your GF? She can do whatever she wants, and you are okay with that?
I suppose if you guys are not in a formal relationship, then anything is fair game. You have no right to think anything even if she is sleeping with other guys.
My question is: how can you be into a girl who sleeps with you, but doesn't want a relationship? Can you respect her? You have been seeing each other
for a month, and you are having all these feelings. This is NOT taking it slow. You have to consider what kind of person she is, and whether that is okay
with you.

I think you may have misread my posts completely

She does want to be my girlfriend. She's hinted at it a few times, and even asked me to ask her when her and I were a bit drunk. Its ME who said I want to take things a bit slow, and not rush into anything. Although I probably will ask her soonish if things continue well

And she isn't sleeping with anyone else. This post was about possible flirting/messaging, not the fact that I think she is sleeping with anyone else. She only see's me, and wants a relationship with me. I thought I made that clear in my first post, but just to clear things up! But, even if she was doing this, you're right, it would be fair game, as it is actually me who won't commit just yet. But then again her sleeping with others/seeing others would turn me completely off her, so good job she isn't! I'd bail, but couldn't get mad at her or anything like that because she isn't my girlfriend!

[SelflessnHumble]

Let's first address YOUR issues: not hers, k?

You've been uh *dating* (phucking someone without a commitment) and you don't like her talking to another guy just
because HE has been open about him liking her...You can't handle this because you ARE insecure as well as jealous YET you
(for some selfish reasoning) decide that she is good enough to bang: but not good enough to enter a relationship with, check...

1st off You are full of shit dude.
If you really wanted to "take things slow" you wouldn't be sleeping with her as you are.
This is what is called having a commitment to exclusively bang each other, while not seeing anyone else: and not
applying any sort of obligatory liability nor responsibility so that in the event you mess up and cheat: You could bullshit your way to say, "But I didn't cheat, we weren't together."
How childish. Anyway, the situation is easy to figure, and the solution is even easier...

You trust her enough to bang her, not enough to "be with her" as a title: for everyone to see and know this.
Are you ashamed of her appearance? If not, then either man up: or allow this passive/aggressive behavior to continue so she will end up
resenting you...

[Kaius]

I think you may have misread my posts completely

She does want to be my girlfriend. She's hinted at it a few times, and even asked me to ask her when her and I were a bit drunk. Its ME who said I want to take things a bit slow, and not rush into anything. Although I probably will ask her soonish if things continue well

And she isn't sleeping with anyone else. This post was about possible flirting/messaging, not the fact that I think she is sleeping with anyone else. She only see's me, and wants a relationship with me. I thought I made that clear in my first post, but just to clear things up! But, even if she was doing this, you're right, it would be fair game, as it is actually me who won't commit just yet. But then again her sleeping with others/seeing others would turn me completely off her, so good job she isn't! I'd bail, but couldn't get mad at her or anything like that because she isn't my girlfriend!

My point is, how can there be jealous feelings if there is no real relationship?
If you sleep with each other, and don't consider each other officially in a relationship,
then it implies it's okay to see other people. There should be no jealous feeling at all,
if you choose to play it this way.

[bitteorca]

My point is, how can there be jealous feelings if there is no real relationship?
If you sleep with each other, and don't consider each other officially in a relationship,
then it implies it's okay to see other people. There should be no jealous feeling at all,
if you choose to play it this way.

Because it's not just a casual friends with benefits/f*ck buddy situation. Although sometimes she shows concern that I might just be using her.

We are just in the process of getting with each other, letting things organically grow a bit I suppose before we put that label on it (or should I say before I want to put that label on it). And to be honest, everything is going fine, and it is organically growing. We have both said to each other we wouldn't want to spoil a good thing by doing something stupid (like getting off with someone else), so everything is fine

I see this jealousy as more of an internal conflict with myself. Not necessarily a problem with our relationship and how it is going. More of an issue that I need to sort out in my own head than a problem that needs to be sorted out between the two of us!

I sound a bit like a fragile and loser type of guy don't I! But I'm not, its weird how sometimes little things might bother me, but big things I don't care about... I just wanted to check with people their opinions on it in this particular case, because it was a bit of a weird one