she knows he's not right for her, yet...

[im_in_love]

So my best friend and I have a past. We've dated for a while before, and then broke it off and became super close friends. I mean very close. She would still talk to me like we were dating and want to do things after we broke up. Until she met another guy. Things with us simmered down slightly, but she would continue to talk that way with me and such. Then things gradually stopped between us and she started to fall in love with the other guy. Now my problem is, during the course of their whole relationship, she's had these phases of wanting to be with me instead. The first time this happened was about six months into their relationship. She said she felt like I was the one she is supposed to be with forever. I was "the one" basically. But she ended that by saying she wanted to be with me fully, so she had to wait and rid herself of feelings for this other man. Nothing more happened with that, except that she went back to being even more reserved with the way she talked and acted around me. Nothing more than friendship. A few months (maybe six or so) after that, she had another "episode" where she questioned her true feelings. Once again she started to want to be with me and said that what she had told me previously about us being meant for each other, was still true. Now, this whole episode she was more reserved than the previous one. She wouldn't flat out say things, but rather make me guess them or suggest them first. This conversation ended in an argument because I apparently figured out too much of what she was thinking (that she was in love with me still.) After the argument she said we needed some serious boundaries and that she couldn't be friends with me if I still wanted more (confusing, I know) but I think it was a defense mechanism for her. Since then our boundaries have been very high. We aren't anything more than friends, even though our chemistry is still there.

That last episode was about a year ago. Each time I could tell what she was thinking and that she was about to go through it again because of the way she acted and talked. Now, just recently, she's been starting to act that way again. I'm pretty sure she is trying her hardest to condense it and keep it to herself. But my question is do you think that is right? Can someone really just put off their feelings to the side for someone and continue being with the person they feel they are not right for? She's said numerous times before that she has no future with the man she is with and that they both want completely different things, and that she is stuck. She's even called him boring as a person because he never wants to do anything new. I know her very well and I know that she is the type of person who is afraid of being alone because she thinks she will never find someone to be with (even though she would have no trouble finding someone) And I know that she has made decisions that have made her stuck in her current situation with this man. Basically, if they broke up, she has nowhere to live except with him. They have broken up a few times in the past, but it has never lasted longer than a few days. Once when they broke up for about 3 days, she started to go back to how she normally was with me, without boundaries. But when they got back together the boundaries went right back up. I'm just afraid this is going to all blow up one day in a huge argument for us. How can someone stay with a person that's not right for them?

[VincenzoG91]

You two should either get back together or stop being friends. And unless she's ready to get back together with you, you should move on and see other women.

[kitkitkitty]

she shouldn't be putting all of this on you, it's not fair on you or the guy she's dating. you need to talk to her and say that it has to be one way or the other. she must be really confused but she also needs to understand that both of you have feelings and she needs to start respecting both of you. boundaries are a good idea but if they're suddenly drastic and you both still apparently have feelings for each other, they're just gona be there to be broken down again.

[im_in_love]

I agree with both of you. I wish I would have seen these replies sooner, I haven't had a chance to get on the computer in a while. I recently hung out with her and she had a few too many drinks and the barriers started to come down again. She said her boyfriend was at work all night (he recently got a new job) so I'm thinking things with them have been a bit strained lately by the way she was acting.

[xxazurexx]

Bigger fool you and for allowing her to yo yo back and forth.

She is probably seeking you out and only when the relationship isn't going too well with him.

When they are all lovely dovey, off she runs again.

[im_in_love]

You are exactly right, she is more affectionate towards me when things go sour with them. Although we do hang out as friends all the time, whether things with them are good or bad. Just the way she acts with me depends on how their relationship is going, which is really starting to bother me. I think it should just be one way or the other.
Also, I've noticed something. She wears this ring he gave her (not an engagement ring or anything like that) on her right hand, but sometimes when she spends time with me she will have taken it off before we meet up. She does this when we drink too. She will take it off after she's started drinking and put it in her purse. I always notice when she doesn't wear it. She doesn't have it off all the time when we're together, but it's very noticible when she does. I haven't noticed if she's more affectionate towards me when she has it off except for once when she had it off and spent the night at my house, she was really affectionate.

[Cinnabella]

Stupid, you are her back up, a fall back version! She's scare to lose the friendship with you coz you give her the benefit of attention and boost her ego up when she's not happy with her bf, easy to understand. She won't break up with him for you but for their own troubles :-), I'm serious!

[enjungrl]

do yourself a favor and find someone who is not so messed up right now. and please dont answer next time she calls