What I have learned from my failed relationship....

[BeingAlpha]

A new sense of self worth -- it seems that ever since the ex left I had been feeling just BAD about myself...I had actually gone on some dates and gotten pretty intimate with a few girls -- but for whatever reason just felt unattractive. Well...through lots of reading on this forum, lots of reading of tons of books (PM me for a list of the good ones). I realized that the reason I felt so bad about myself was because I allowed so much BS to go down and had spent a year and a half walking on eggshells around the ex....and well I had basically allowed myself to be a pushover and put up with TONS of unnecessary crap.

Today -- 1 of said girls was "playing the game" and I immediately recognized it through reading on here, books, experience with the ex and just decided to delete the text message and just not care. Yeah its disappointing but its also empowering to feel okay with being alone and not in a relationship and be able to just cut it off. If they don't even try to win you over in the early stages -- you have a difficult relationship ahead. Yeah its definitely true that my tolerance for BS is now very low -- but my self esteem and self worth grows every day.

As I read more and more stories about ... he was contacting his ex and I caught them going to lunch etc.. or she slept with her coworker but it didn't mean anything and then things were good...but I kept checking her email I just want to scream at the screen and SAY "IT WAS NEVER GOOD!!!" might have been good for the other person because they were issued by you a license to do whatever they wanted -- but for you it was a relationship fraught with insecurity, hurt, anxiety as to when the next shoe would drop. Let it go -- regain your self worth and understand what is or is not acceptable. If you would feel weird doing it / would be worried you would get caught then its not acceptable to you...and its not something you should accept. Think of how hard you tried to show your ex-lover you cared...and that is how hard anyone you are with should show you they care.

Just a few thoughts to start your day...

Hey all -- getting a few PMs on the books I recommend reading so I thought I would post them here:

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C. Collins

Marry Him the Case for Settling for the Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb -- okay this is a chick book but it made me realize I was looking for qualities that probably didnt matter much -- it also helps to hear how people who left great guys ultimately got burned

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman -- critical if you ever want to have a healthy relationship again. Helped me to understand why I always felt unloved/unappreciated

[R3AL_LUV]

That is absolutely true and correct. I broke up up with my girlfriend 7 times over the 4 years we were together and the last time we broke up it was serious and she moved on. She forced me to come back into her life because she wanted a future with me but played me by saying that she didnt have a boyfriend but then her boyfriend that she lied about found out about how she still loves me and sees me and he dumped her and she took the anger out on me and said I don't love you anymore and I don't wanna have anything to do with you anymore and she still denied that he was her boyfriend. To be honest with you she was the one who always chased me and I stuck by her over all those 4 months since we broke up to try and show her that were still inlove and that we should continue our 4 years together and I even asked her out like 5 times within those 4 months but her answer was always no because she wanted to study but all that turned out to be a big FAT lie because she had a boyfriend but didn't wanna tell me. I still don't know why she would deny that he is her boyfriend even though she said that's it I don't wanna see you anymore because I don't love you anymore. I'm really hurt because I got played and I had nothing to do with all this and today is the 3rd day since it happened and I'm feeling mighty fine because I thought about why we broke up and the sort of person she became towards the end of our relationship and I say this is why we broke up she just didn't care anymore because she thought secure that she didn't need to show me love anymore because we have been together for 4 years. I will never ever forgive her for playing me and breaking my heart like this and that day will come where shes going to want a serious relationship again instead of playing around like she is now and she will beg for my forgiveness, and when that happens only God can help her to what i would say to her. In my case I wanted her back because I know what an amazing person she was and how much she was inlove with me and the fact that I didn't want to waste those 4 years together but to get hurt like this is not even worth thinking about the good times I had with her. I just feel really sorry for myself I know I shouldn't be feeling that way but i do at this early stage because i'm really hurt about what she done to me and the fact that the girl who once was the love of my life and who I wanted to be my future broke my heart without a care in the world. Moving on with my life and looking forward to how great its ganna feel when that right girl is ganna come makes me feel really happy and forget all about the past so if your ex has made it obvious that she / he doesn't want you in their lives as lovers anymore then there is no point to hang around waiting for them to change their mind even though a long relationship of 4 or 5 years has to go to waste but you have to move on.

[mmiller5373]

A new sense of self worth -- it seems that ever since the ex left I had been feeling just BAD about myself...I had actually gone on some dates and gotten pretty intimate with a few girls -- but for whatever reason just felt unattractive. Well...through lots of reading on this forum, lots of reading of tons of books (PM me for a list of the good ones). I realized that the reason I felt so bad about myself was because I allowed so much BS to go down and had spent a year and a half walking on eggshells around the ex....and well I had basically allowed myself to be a pushover and put up with TONS of unnecessary crap.

This sounds just like where I am at. I feel worse about the fact that I let my ex have so much power over my emotions. I feel terrible that I let her do what she pleased... that I let her come and go in my life. I was at a bad place during the last few months of our relationship... and now I've made some great progress by reading about breakups and relationships.

Today -- 1 of said girls was "playing the game" and I immediately recognized it through reading on here, books, experience with the ex and just decided to delete the text message and just not care. Yeah its disappointing but its also empowering to feel okay with being alone and not in a relationship and be able to just cut it off. If they don't even try to win you over in the early stages -- you have a difficult relationship ahead. Yeah its definitely true that my tolerance for BS is now very low -- but my self esteem and self worth grows every day.

YES!!! I'm recognizing things that I never noticed before. My previous relationship (and the breakup) has helped me see things and understand things about women... and now I catch myself finding things wrong with a woman before I let myself "fall" for her. I'm done with the BS as well.