What is my issue here

[DarkHelmet82]

Some of you already know me on here... some don't.. but I have had some time to self reflect.. and to be honest I dont know what it is I need to reflect on.....maybe my whole way of thinking is ****ed up.... maybe i can get some input...

I am a good looking guy, I have a great job, I am smart, funny, etc.. EVERY girlfriend I have had has given me the same reason for ending it. "Anyone would be lucky to have you." "I just dont feel the spark." "I think we are better as friends." "Its not you its me."

Personally I would rather that it WAS me. Am i doing something wrong for women to end the relationship due to lack of love or whatever you want to call it. Its rather frustrating when I watch men who beat their girlfriends/wives and they are married, or people who fight constantly sustain long term relationships... I dont understand... Is there something I need to do that I am unaware of..

Im starting to believe that it IS me...

People will say "well you just didnt find the one" well, it seems like NOBODY appreciates the way I am and that is where the issue is.... It's almost like I have to be fake in order to sustain long intimate relationships. Being kind, and caring, and going with the flow IS who I am. I am not going to change and put on a persona in order for people to feel a connection. Just because I dont give you my opinion on a meaningless topic doesnt make me I am a pushover.I am happy doing everything, or nothing and am NOT AFRAID to try new things. I can make friends REAL easy and EVERYONE I meet likes me. I do not give opinions and dont assume unless I feel it is necessary... I would love a woman who was like that. Am I the only decent person left on the face of the earth?

Some of you might say.. "well you need to be more exciting." Im not socially inept and I have fun doing EVERYTHING.. which would in turn make me extremly exciting no? Am I meeting boring people maybe? I am the only person whoISNT BORING.. what i mean is.. people who get bored are boring.

I am not trying to attack anyone.. I just dont understand why good people cant win. I make friends real easy, I just cant find someone to fall in love with me not just love me. I almost feel like I am meant to be single forever.

Oh and its not a confidence issue. However, nobody in here can tell me that when this happens constantly that I should not start self analyzing and blaming myself... something has to give.

Thanks for reading

[Horseyguy]

If it's happened more than once, look for patterns dude.

Maybe it's not you but the choices you are making???

Is there something that attracts you to this type of woman?

You could be prone to picking a particulary type of person which conflicts with your compatitability.

Not sure I'm making any sense articulating this.

If you can identify a pattern or a particular type of woman that you seem to navigate too and the outcome is the same, maybe you need to rule them out of your dating filter, no matter how cute they are or how much you like them, because you are right you shouldn't have to change yourself for someone to like you, and you don't, there will be a particular type of woman that would be naturally attracted to you and would love you and to be with you.

Sounds like you are just picking the wrong ones and maybe there is actually a reason why you are doing that.

Had a good friend of mine that managed to pick 4 GF's back to back that all had some serious issues (great girls though, hot, very out-going / bit crazy, loved to party etc) , no idea why he picked them, he just ended up picking the same type of girl, but sub-conciously for sure there was a reason, anyway problem was he couldn't deal with their issues so they dumped him. He asked me a similar question, how comes I fall for all this chicks and they end up dumping me and say it's not my fault. What's wrong with me?

And I said the same thing to him, cos you keep picking them!!! and nothing is wrong with you except you keep making the same choices, if something isn't working, pick something different

Next girl he dated was the complete opposite, settled, emotionally mature, bit boring (at first) didn't do drugs, booze etc, pretty much nothing like he was use to dating, turns out she wasn't boring at all, was actually a little fire cracker. They have been married 5 years now and have two kids. Caught up with him a couple of weeks back and he's as happy as a pig in the proverbial.

[DarkHelmet82]

Thanks for the answer... How does a person control the type of person they are attracted too? But yes, all the girls ive been with seem to have had some kind of emotional issues... but how am i supposed to know that before dating them?

[Horseyguy]

Well you can't I guess at the early stages pick up they have emotional issues unless it's that obvious on the first date, but when it becomes apparant and it always will because a facade will only hold for so long, you have to ask yourself, given the history, do you want to invest in the relationship any further? Is this the sort of person that I really want to be with? (yes I know I should be listening to my own advice lol)

Other than the fact they all have emotional issues, anything else?

for example all in stressful jobs / careers, all single mums, all they want to do is go to the clubs and get pissed every weekend, all introverted and like to stay at home, all come from broken homes, all the girl next door type, very quiet / shy, all girly-girls etc

Not saying there is anything wrong in particular with any of those groups I listed I'm just trying to give an example, but if I had 4 relationships fail and all 4 were with girls that were very quiet / shy for example I'd look for someone more extroverted next time, might be that I am attracted to quiet / shy but it doesn't seem to be compatible to me so I'd avoid them

Not sure if that actually makes sense

[BeingAlpha]

Same exact situation buddy -- and what I have found is I keep picking girls who are not happy with their current lives, have a limited number of friends (for whatever reason). First few months of the relationship are good -- they immediately cling almost and then I get blasted for being over-bearing. But yes -- I keep thinking there is something wrong with me despite the fact that I have all the same things as you : attractive, very successful..okay admittedly I am not tall. But I sit there and wonder what the hell I am doing wrong -- I am scared to get into it with anyone else (if I could meet someone)...because I don't want to waste anymore time / get hurt again.

Its a catch-22 : I know that if I don't try everything and anything to meet someone that I'll end up alone...but I can't deal with the rejection/let downs. Not a good situation..I hope that my exes are going through the same things...and I know one of them (the really unhappy one)...is still alone; but the most recent one will likely be just fine. One thing I suggest: don't just go with the flow; don't be constantly available, make yourself more of a challenge...and definitely don't put up with BS because you feel like you need to be more amicable so that they will love you. It hurts, it sucks, but you need to move past this....next time I hear a girl talk about how her therapist says... I am f'ing running...and NO -- you won't be the one to change the emotionally unavailable commitment phobe..don't even try. There is an Aksmen.com top 10 signs she will break your heart list - read it, commit it to memory, and if you see more than 2 of the signs - RUN!

[Horseyguy]

LOL Top 10 Scariest girlfriend bahaviours - Number 1 She won't let you break up with her

I just spat my coffee all over my keyboard.

[DarkHelmet82]

I looked at that top 10 list and she had three of those things. She's a dating newbie, and she has no significant ex, and significant problems (eating disorder) But how am I supposed to know this going to be the case...Things like these arent brought up until after a little while.. I tend to fall fast and hard which is something I have always done. By then its too late for me.

I tend to be attracted to hot women who are low maintenance. But they all seem to have issues.. one had a brain tumor, one wound up being a lesbian, this most recent had emotional issues and an eating disorder...

[BeingAlpha]

Hey man,

So I don't really know what to tell you -- just -- know that sometimes when it hurts you need to walk away. Recognize that at least if you do the walking - you maintain control. You also strike me -- if you and I are similar....as a person who puts everyone else first -- DON'T. Its admirable and a great quality -- but its a quality that is seldom appreciated; and leaves you emotionally drained.

The things you mentioned (Lesbian, eating disorder) are pretty severe things -- you really can't see those things coming but those are signs that the girl was REALLY just not happy.

My exes had depression issues...trust me nothing you can do will ever bring them out of it -- and you didn't break them its not your job to fix them. Depression is not something that I feel is really all that well understood, girls that are already heavily emotional creatures that are dealing with depression will likely just have a hard time separating out what made them happy and what made them sad...I don't blame either of them -- rather am concerned that they will live lives that are "fulfilling" to most but never be truly happy.

I don't blame the girl with the tumor -- shes just sooo consumed with dealing with that -- that I doubt she would have any emotional support left to give -- shes a brave girl...but not someone you can date -- be a friend, support her, but dating her (and rightfully so) will really be heavily focused on making her feel amazing.

[Leviia]

BeingAlpha,

THere's nothing wrong with someone being in therapy .... well most of the time. I am. But my problems are that I'm way too shy and social situations scare me. I'm trying to overcome my problems with help. I'm not going to lean on another man to fix my problems ... I want to do that myself. I want to be more confident and to learn the correct ways to deal with situations instead of running away or avoiding them.

I'm not "hot" I consider myself average looking. But I do have a problem of being a 6 foot female so it's harder for me to find dates. Most guys are completely fine being my friend and I'm starting to look for a more stable, long term relationship.

What has helped me Dark, is make a list of boundaries for yourself. What are deal breakers and what you can tolerate. What you FEEL in your heart and mind is what the core values are for a good and healthy relationship.

STICK TO THESE. We have gut feelings, instincts and voices for a reason. Our bodies and minds tell us what's right for us but most of the time we don't listen to them. We are not confident with OURSELVES enough to trust US. It has nothing to do with other people ..... it has everything to do with us. YOU are lacking something within yourself so you tend to gravitate towards people that have these qualities.

And before you say "Well this last GF had an easting disorder.. I don't have an eating disorder." It's what the eating disorder represents. Control , or lack of. When I had my eating disorder mine stemmed from a lack of control in my life. And I COULD control what I ate. Which in turn controlled my body. I HAD control over what I ate but I had NO control over my life.

This is what I mean by picking people that have what you are lacking. You can't control or change anyone in your life but you. Take a break from dating for a few months. Take a LOOK at yourself. Make a list of your core values and take it slowly.

I don't see anything wrong with you other than you wanting an affectionate, loving relationship and that MAY be why you are choosing girls with issues... because at first they are clingy, loving and REALLY affectionate ..but then the problems they have start to come to the fore front and that starts to create problems. Then you start questioning why these girls always leave you, what's wrong with you .. you're a really great, nice guy. Which I have no doubt you are. But sometimes looking for a quick fix relationship is easier than taking the time to look at YOURSELF, going slower and choosing the right choices for YOU, not for someone else.

[DarkHelmet82]

You also strike me -- if you and I are similar....as a person who puts everyone else first -- DON'T. Its admirable and a great quality -- but its a quality that is seldom appreciated; and leaves you emotionally drained.

Well, thats exactly the issue.. but that would be changing the way I am no? Why should I have to change because people dont appreciate things... being selfish (for lack of a better word) is not who I am. Lets say I do this.. now someone falls in love with me.. but its not the REAL me... see the dilemma?

[BeingAlpha]

BeingAlpha,

THere's nothing wrong with someone being in therapy .... well most of the time. I am. But my problems are that I'm way too shy and social situations scare me. I'm trying to overcome my problems with help. I'm not going to lean on another man to fix my problems ... I want to do that myself. I want to be more confident and to learn the correct ways to deal with situations instead of running away or avoiding them.

Hey there -- I didn't say that there is ANYTHING wrong with being in therapy at all -- don't get me wrong I think its a sign that the girl wants to work on things for herself.. but for me as a person who has to be honest lived a pretty tough life, overcome ridiculous amounts of adversity -- it is VERY difficult for me to relate. When a girl loses it (to the point of tears) because something changed with plans.. that person is not emotionally stable enough for me to handle. I shut down... I try to console them but on a personal level I don't think the reaction is appropriate....I play the same role as Dark -- I try to be the saver..maybe if I can analyze myself its because no one ever tried to save me.

[BeingAlpha]

Well, thats exactly the issue.. but that would be changing the way I am no? Why should I have to change because people dont appreciate things... being selfish (for lack of a better word) is not who I am. Lets say I do this.. now someone falls in love with me.. but its not the REAL me... see the dilemma?

Oh I hear ya -- no one likes to play games -- I wear my heart on my sleeve -- thats the kind of guy that I am...but I just need you to think before you do something for someone else...would that person make the same sacrifice for you? If you can't honestly say yes -- then thats the sign that this is not the right person for you and probably doesn't deserve it.

[sweetkissesforu]

Hey there -- I didn't say that there is ANYTHING wrong with being in therapy at all -- don't get me wrong I think its a sign that the girl wants to work on things for herself.. but for me as a person who has to be honest lived a pretty tough life, overcome ridiculous amounts of adversity -- it is VERY difficult for me to relate. When a girl loses it (to the point of tears) because something changed with plans.. that person is not emotionally stable enough for me to handle. I shut down... I try to console them but on a personal level I don't think the reaction is appropriate....I play the same role as Dark -- I try to be the saver..maybe if I can analyze myself its because no one ever tried to save me.

This is a male quality

[Leviia]

Hey there -- I didn't say that there is ANYTHING wrong with being in therapy at all -- don't get me wrong I think its a sign that the girl wants to work on things for herself.. but for me as a person who has to be honest lived a pretty tough life, overcome ridiculous amounts of adversity -- it is VERY difficult for me to relate. When a girl loses it (to the point of tears) because something changed with plans.. that person is not emotionally stable enough for me to handle. I shut down... I try to console them but on a personal level I don't think the reaction is appropriate....I play the same role as Dark -- I try to be the saver..maybe if I can analyze myself its because no one ever tried to save me.

That may be true, but you have to learn that you can't "save" someone else. You can't change anything about someone else. This is why I say take a long hard look at yourself. WHY are you trying to save others? GO beyond that "Because no one ever tried to save me." It's not anyone's responsibility to save anyone else (save a child or someone being abused perhaps). If no one tried to save you, or take care of you, or you had a bad childhood, or you were hurt .... You're compassionate enough to know how that feels and you are trying to save someone else the hurt?

But you can't, it's not selfish to take care of YOU first. It's not selfish to make yourself happy FIRST, to love yourself FIRST. Because no one else will do that for you. When you're happy with yourself, confident, sure and know what you want, when you stick to your values and look for what you want in a relationship .... then you start to attract people who are like that.

I'm a CNA and now they teach us to take care of ourselves FIRST. If an elderly person is falling .... DO NOT catch them .... assist them with the falling so that they do not get as hurt or avoid being hurt at all. But to not put ourselves in harms way. Why? What good are we to ANYONE if the caregivers are hurt? What good am I if I try to catch a 300 lb man falling to the floor and he takes me with him or injures me? I can't get help, I can't continue to help in the future.

Trust me. I'm starting to have fun dating, and I am starting to feel comfortable telling other guys "No I'm sorry I'm just not interested". Because if I listen to myself, my body (yes those gut feelings, getting sick to your stomach, having that pain in your chest) THOSE are indicators. If I don't FEEL right with someone, it's just not going to work.

[chump4u]

I tend to be attracted to hot women who are low maintenance.

Just a note here-- not a quibble, or a criticism, or even advice-- just a thought.

There is no such thing as a "low-maintenance hot woman." There is no such thing as a low-maintenance human being, period. Everyone, including you, including me, is high-maintenance as all Hell; and every human relationship is high-maintenance as all Hell, and requires everything you can possibly put into it, which will probably not be enough even then.

Life is a high-maintenance experience. Learn to live with that.