being able loving again? wake up to reality or soul search?

[leonidas]

Hahahaha wow I screwed up the description so bad:
"Being able to love again?"

It's late and I'm thinking too much!

This gets kinda complicated so I'll start with this...

I fell in love with my girlfriend back in high school. She made my head spin, had butterflies for months, consumed my thoughts all day, and was exactly picture perfect what I wanted. Blonde hair, blue eyes, sense of humor, same taste in music, absolutely adorable, contagious smile. We had sex, but preferred 3rd base and my drive for that was like none I've ever had since. The feelings I've had during it I can only dream about now. She told me after 4 months that she was in love with me and had never felt anything so strong before in her life, so I told it to her back, although I didn't think I felt the same. After 2 weeks I realized that I was in love and just how strong it truly was. Nine months later we broke it off. I had been talking with my friends saying that I didn't know if I really loved her anymore or if I was just attached at that point, and then she cut it off with me. Only now do I realize about 5 years later that I was in really really in love with her, but that she had changed by the end of our relationship. The girl I was in love with no longer exists. For about 4 months after we broke up, I literally thought about her about every 10 seconds. It was freaking unhealthy. It took about 2 years to only have a thought about her once a week, which I still have.

Fast forward to the present, I've been in a relationship for over a year now. The time in between these two year long relationships I had several 3 month flings and was single and loving it. In all honesty, I hated women. I looked at them like it was inevitable they would all be cheaters in either a physical or emotional way at some point during a relationship, so why bother. I played hard.

The relationship I'm in now proved no different. We started off extremely rocky and the girl lied and lied and lied and tied her ex boyfriend into a lot of drama then lied some more. I saw through all of it. When I broke it off with her after about three months, I told her if we continued it would never be the same. She begged me for forgiveness so I took her back but gotta admit, I may have been right. Now she is a super sweet girlfriend that I can trust, but it took about a year. Having a soft spot in my heart for blondes (because I am very blonde), she's never really "done it for me" as a brunette. She's quite immature and I've never really even hung out with someone who does the things she does. We both like hip hop, but she likes indie rock the most and I really like hardcore trance like Tiesto (a common thing my ex from high school and I shared extensively). I hate indie rock and she hates Tiesto. I'm always on the move, gotta be doing something and I'm efficient with my time and she's pretty lazy. Despite all this, I've been with her for over a year. She is my best friend and without her I'd have a ton of time to kill. She always says I love you but I never know if she means it. She told me it first months ago and I've always said it back, but I really need to figure out if I do or if I was right over a year ago that it would never work out.

The reason why I'm in confusion... is because my heart was slaughtered back in high school. It was literally torn into ten thousand pieces. There's a cold blue heart sculpture at my college with a bunch of tools glued to it that was made by an professor who passed. His wife who he was in love with had died of cancer and his art was his way of memorializing her and grieving. The blue heart was to represent that his heart had died with hers and was cold and numb, and that all the tools in the world would never be able to fix it. I feel that exact same way, still.

So am I just unable to open up and see a good thing? or do I know from experience what really makes my heart tingle? I've never met another person that comes remotely close to the way that girl in high school was for the first couple months we dated. She wasn't even able to hold on to that beautiful beautiful beautifuuulll person that she was... so help me out! What's wrong with me? Do I need to go on a life adventure? Do some soul searching? Make a drastic move to some tropical place and hopefully one day love will just run into me? or do I need to wake up to the reality that I'm still closed off, and no matter who comes knocking at my door I won't be answering anyway?

Lost and confused!

[leonidas]

So what do I do about my current girlfriend? Not only is she my girlfriend who cares about me and loves me, but she's become my best friend.