Intimacy?

[ttt777tttttt]

I'm 25 and my girlfriend is 24. She is a virgin, I am not. We have been dating for over a year, and a couple of months ago I proposed. She lives with her parents and is working on finishing university. I live alone in Manchester, UK and have a career here. I am very much in love with this girl. I would do anything for her.

The problem we have is she has no desire to have sex or to be intimate in any way. The most we do is kiss each other hi when we see each other. We haven't made out in months. And every time we've tried to have sex she always has an excuse to not do so.

She has explained that every other relationship she has had, the same problem has existed and eventually they broke up. I don't know what to do. We've had long talks about this., but it always seems to end with it is just the way she is and she will probably never change.

For me, a huge part of a normal, healthy relationship is missing. The biggest problem I have is not the lack of sex. It's the lack of intimacy.

I don't cheat, so I'm not going to go find someone to meet my sexual needs and stay with her too. That's not the kind of person I am. I just need some sort of reassurance that sticking with it and being with her is the right thing to do. I'm trying to keep a clear head and not be selfish. I'm certainly not mad and angry about the situation.

I just need to know is this something that I should wait for and hope it gets better... or is this really a big enough incompatibility to break up over? Part of me thinks breaking up over sex would make me a prick... and part of me thinks it might be the right thing to do.

[girl68]

I think this is absolutely the wrong thing to do. If you are having doubts now about lack of sex and intimacy god help you these thoughts will get far worse in time. You will without doubt miss sex, and she will obviously never give it up.

If you are prepared to live FOREVER with no sex and FOREVER with very little to zero intimacy at all for the rest of your life, you stay. I find it hard to believe you can honestly say you will accept this and never ever question this doubt again.

In which case you break up.

[DoesntMatter]

Not everyone is a cockwhore like you are, girl68

[girl68]

When he's good in bed I desire to GO TO BED

[DoesntMatter]

Wow girl68, you've changed. You took that trolling in stride

[girl68]

I even put the smiley face! That's supposed to be like "so there ha!"

[sweetkissesforu]

You are not on the the same page it gets worst if you dont have sex deal breaker

[northerngirl82]

I have the same problem as your girlfriend....in my case, however, my non-existent sex drive could be because I'm on antidepressants for my depression, and in the 8 years I've been on them, I've never felt any desire, so I'm hoping that switching meds (or coming off them completely) will help. Is your girlfriend on medication, or has she shown any signs of depression? As these are very common causes of low or non-existent libido. Would she perhaps agree to get her hormone levels tested by her GP? As she may be lacking in testosterone, which controls sex drive....it's worth trying that, or therapy at a push, as that's helped me.

[Kaius]

Make sure she is a female. Make her pull down her trousers to make sure. If no penis, then let her be. Wait till your wedding night, and jump her.

[sadie_genie]

Let her free to find a religious man or someone similar to her.

[northerngirl82]

What difference would a religious man make? I come from a religious family, but if she has a physical problem feeling desire, then getting married won't suddenly cure that.

DON'T break up with her yet, not until you've investigated further.....I can totally relate to how she's feeling, and my relationships always ended for a similar reason, but I'd never tried to find out what was causing it before.

it is just the way she is and she will probably never change.

The fact she's saying this seems to me like she's got quite a defeatist attitufe towards it, but it CAN be resolved if she wants it to be. Is she unhappy that she has no desire? It really gets to me, but that's why I'm dealing with it with my GP and therapist, who as well as depression issues, also specialises in sex therapy.

If she actually wants to have a sex drive, she needs to know that there are ways to deal with it, and that it's not a lost cause, because if she feels down about it, then that will naturally lower her libido anyway.

Ask her if she wants to see her GP to discuss it, as you CAN get round this.

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, you are dealing with an apprehensive and selfish woman who thinks punishing YOU from having a healthy and sexual relationship will keep you around forever.
I commend you that you feel in love with someone who will never put out...But it sounds as though the armor is slowly chipping away.

The more I read the more I get the impression you aren't in love with her. How can you be when you haven't made out in months?
You have yet to experience that wonderful connection a man can only have with a woman when they make love.

This is something that is NOT going to change on your wedding night/honeymoon.
You will eventually resent her and she won't know why.

You need to dump her ass if she refuses to validate your feelings and address your issues.
If it's sex you cannot live without: and she has a perfectly normal functioning vagina: Dump her.

Sex is natural.
Her feelings are anything BUT natural.
Something is wrong.
She's either having her VG plowed (from some other guy) like your front driveway during winter OR?
She's been sexually abused/related trauma.

[sadie_genie]

What difference would a religious man make? I come from a religious family, but if she has a physical problem feeling desire, then getting married won't suddenly cure that.

DON'T break up with her yet, not until you've investigated further.....I can totally relate to how she's feeling, and my relationships always ended for a similar reason, but I'd never tried to find out what was causing it before.


The fact she's saying this seems to me like she's got quite a defeatist attitufe towards it, but it CAN be resolved if she wants it to be. Is she unhappy that she has no desire? It really gets to me, but that's why I'm dealing with it with my GP and therapist, who as well as depression issues, also specialises in sex therapy.

If she actually wants to have a sex drive, she needs to know that there are ways to deal with it, and that it's not a lost cause, because if she feels down about it, then that will naturally lower her libido anyway.

Ask her if she wants to see her GP to discuss it, as you CAN get round this.

I agree with you that he should investigate further about what the real problem is. But just because she doesn't want physical intimacy, doesn't mean she must be depressed. Some women or man just don't like sex and will only do it to make children. They see it as something dirty or impure and that is how they were raised to believe.

[SelflessnHumble]

I agree with you that he should investigate further about what the real problem is. But just because she doesn't want physical intimacy, doesn't mean she must be depressed. Some women or man just don't like sex and will only do it to make children. They see it as something dirty or impure and that is how they were raised to believe.

There is nothing wrong with that.
Obviously he's holding out for some action that is never going to come. (no pun intended)
So...if HE cannot respect her wishes?
He needs to marry someone who will meet his needs. Plain and simple.
Why have yet ANOTHER sexless and unfulfilled marriage on the books when he can have a sexless and unfulfilled relationship without marriage?

Raised not to like sex for a pleasurable connection between a man and a woman?
No. It was THEIR choice to accept it. If she biologically doesn't like sex: there is NOTHING he can do.

[northerngirl82]

I think it just boils down to whether she's happy not having a sex drive or not....if she sees sex as wrong in some way, and is happy not to want it, then that's one thing. But if she wishes that she could desire sex, than that's another matter altogether. Only she can tell you that!