How do I get him to confide in me?

[supersonicmoose]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. It really has been the perfect relationship, we talked about past, present, and future. We're extremely compatible and have the makings to be that perfect couple that sickens everybody...

Until about two months ago anyways... In January we hadn't spent much time together, and he was always hard to reach and said he was always busy. We're both in school and I realize that we both have homework and all of those obligations, so I let it go. But it kept going on, so finally I told him we had to talk and I told him what I was feeling.

So instead of it being a conversation where we worked it all out and all that jazz, he decided to say that he "couldn't do it anymore" meaning he couldn't continue to spend time on us and have a relationship with me. So we broke up...for a week. I finally figured out that he broke up with me because he was scared. He was afraid to really let me love him and let himself love me back. He was scared of letting himself be vulnerable with me.

When we got back together I made him promise me that we would communicate better and that he wouldn't ignore feelings anymore and all that jazz. Thing is that he still isn't confiding in me. I've sat him down and tried to get him to talk to me, but all he keeps saying is that he's stressed with school and that once summer is here it will be better. I can't stand that he's saying this because I want to deal with things now.

I don't believe you can have a stable relationship if you put off things like this until later, or you blame certain behaviour on events that are happening. I want him to feel this way too.

Him not talking to me is harming my confidence in our relationship. He's making me feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have told him this, but he still doesn't know what I mean.

Sorry for the massive amounts of writing, so here is the bottom line....How on earth do I get him to let himself be vulnerable with me and open up have him feel okay about it. He knows I won't judge him, I just want him to know I'm there for him no matter what....

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[devonbrown]

I finally figured out that he broke up with me because he was scared. He was afraid to really let me love him and let himself love me back. He was scared of letting himself be vulnerable with me.

When we got back together I made him promise me that we would communicate better and that he wouldn't ignore feelings anymore and all that jazz.

I am wondering how you figured that out... Did he tell you that? Because if he told you that, it seems that he actually was communicating well with you.

Now that you two are back together and he isn't communicating better with you, it is most likely that it is just who he is. Everyone communicates a little differently, and the trick is to find a way that both of you can communicate together. Come summer, if you two are still together and want to make it work out, it might be helpful to see a couples' therapist to help with the communication issues.

Good luck!

[supersonicmoose]

Thanks

I figured it out because I talked to several different people his parents included and a friend of mine gave me that advice, so then I went to by boyfriend with it and he said it was all true. Still he didn't talk about it, he just said I was right and said he wanted me back and regretted breaking up in the first place.

I don't think he would take kindly to any sort of couple's therapy, though I think it's a fantastic idea.

I think mostly what I want to hear from him is that he thinks about our future together. We had only been dating for about 2 months and he told me that "one day, I'm going to marry you". So I guess I just want reassurance that if I keep dreaming about that wedding and our marriage and whole life together that he hasn't changed his mind. Mainly because he sprung the breakup thing on me the first time, I don't want it to happen again.

[Zabrinah]

I applaud you looking for advice with this problem! A lot of people aren't brave enough to do that.

You wrote, "I think mostly what I want to hear from him is that he thinks about our future together."

But what if he doesn't? You need to consider the possibility that he may not want a long-term future with you. I know that he said, "one day, I'm going to marry you". But, people say a lot things. It's more important to focusing on what he's not saying and what he's not doing. I really hope things work out for you! It sounds like you're very dedicated to this relationship and trying to make it work. However, your daydreams and lovely expectations for the future may be clouding over your judgment of what's happening now. Simply be aware of that.

Dating is the best part of the relationship. It will only go downhill and get more difficult from here. You are in the best of times right now. Marriage will not make this any better.

I honestly don't think there is anything you could possibly do to make someone open up if he doesn't want to.

Try one last time to get him to open up in the way you want him to. If he doesn't do it, seriously consider moving on. Because it seems like a guy who can express himself is a big deal breaker for you. Even if this is just a long phase for your boyfriend, guys don't just grow out of it. The same problem will come back to haunt you later down the road.

[vashti]

If I were him, I would find all your pestering about sharing my feelings invasive and unwelcome, and I might agree to whatever silly explanation for my silence you proposed, if I thought it might shut you up sooner.

I think you should consider the possibility that when he backed off in January, he simply wanted to be free, and didn't know how to tell you.

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I think you need to stop expecting him to act like a girl. Males (in general) don't communicate the way you think they should.

[supersonicmoose]

"But what if he doesn't? You need to consider the possibility that he may not want a long-term future with you. I know that he said, "one day, I'm going to marry you". But, people say a lot things. It's more important to focusing on what he's not saying and what he's not doing. "

and

I think you should consider the possibility that when he backed off in January, he simply wanted to be free, and didn't know how to tell you.

Believe me, this has crossed my mind a lot. And maybe that's why I'm looking for answers so badly. I honestly don't feel like I'm pestering him, he's the type of person that if this was the case he would tell me to back the **** off.

He's dated a lot of girls before, but they haven't been "real" relationships, if that makes sense to anybody. I had a good long talk with his mom when we had broken up and she was the one who said that I was the different girl, I was the one who has changed him without even asking him to. She told me a lot about the girl he was with right before me. They had been dating for 3 years (non-stop fighting for all of them), and when she broke it off with him he was upset for about a week and then got over it. Wouldn't you think after 3 years if he really loved her that it would take longer than a week to get over? Either way, I'm the 'different' one.

I'm so messed up in the communication department. The last boyfriend I had was the "girl" for communication. He was the one probing me and demanding answers and feelings, so I don't know how to entirely go about this all.

Which is why I came here.

He had told me that when him and his last girlfriend were going out, they really didn't do much besides fight, make up, fight, make up again. Though he said that he wanted to marry her too. I'm thinking about asking him if he made any real future plans with her. I mean I know he had a ring picked out, but not purchased and they didn't live together, but I don't know if he had even thought about their life together.

What do you think?

p.s. you guys rock at this advice thing.

[devonbrown]

I understand how you are feeling, but there may be more issues here than just the communication. You said,

We had only been dating for about 2 months and he told me that "one day, I'm going to marry you".

After 2 months he said he was going to marry you one day? That didn't raise any red flags? Normally I would say that if someone says that after only two months, they are playing a game - looking to get into someone's pants, or they are manipulative and controlling.

Even if he is genuine and sincere about it, do you think that he has the emotional maturity to really make that kind of life decision, future-thought at that point in your relationship?

I would just keep your guard up. Good luck.

[supersonicmoose]

I definitely don't think he's very emotionally mature. However I do think he meant that about marrying me. He said it rather soon I know but on my last birthday (after about a year of seeing each other) he gave me a promise ring. When we broke up I took it off, when we got back together I asked him if he still wanted me to wear it reminding him of what it means to me, and he said yep then put it on my finger.

It's odd. I had always thought he was the smart one and knew how to do the relationship thing until recently when I realized that he sure did not. I think I need to just give him time. Maybe if I continue to ask questions to provoke him to at least think about deeper things, maybe he'll learn to come to me in the future when he's got his own thoughts and ideas.