The Ex.

[DenningStates]

There's a bit of back-story to this, so I apologise in advance for the sheer length - but I'd be very grateful if you could bear with me, and read to the end!!

Three years ago, I had been going out with a girl for a year and a half, and I loved her, and she said she loved me too. We ended up going to the same university, but two weeks in, she had broken up with me. We had been arguing a lot throughout the relationship, and looking back on it I can't really say I blame her for ending it. When things were good, they were great. But, back then, I hated myself and would use the slightest little thing as an excuse to have an argument with her and stop talking to her for days on end. I did it because I liked the feeling when she would start talking to me again, because it made me feel loved. I often reduced her to tears, and though I didn't want to hurt her, I did, because I was a very selfish and very messed up person, and managed to push away the best girlfriend I've ever had. But I digress. I am better now, and am confident in myself.
She wanted to stay friends because we had been best friends before we got together. I said I did too, but I had the ulterior motive of trying to get her back. I used desperate tactics, and ended up ruining any chance I may have had, but we still spent time together. Two years ago, something happened that made me angry with her and we stopped talking altogether (I was still getting over my issues then).
Anyway, about a year and a half went by, and other girlfriends came and went, and while I didn't forget her as such, I got over her. However, I got a message about half a year ago from her, saying that she missed spending time with me, and would I like to start meeting up again? To tell the truth, I missed spending time with her too, not in a romantic way, but just as friends - she is fun to be around. So I replied with, yeah, it'd be nice to meet up, fully intending a platonic friendship.
However, herein the problem lies - after a few weeks, I had fallen totally in love with her again. And from this is where my pleas for advice start:
I would love to make a proper go of things, and try our relationship again, since I know it would be totally different to last time now I'm over my confidence issues. However, she has a boyfriend, and from what I can tell, she is pretty happy with him. I say from what I can tell because she never talks about him - but I'm not naive, I know this doesn't mean she isn't happy, and similarly, I am fully aware that her getting back in touch with me does not mean she wants me back. That's not my question. My question will probably be unpopular with people here, since I know it would be unpopular with me if I were in your shoes. I want to know, should I try to win her back? I'm not keen on attempting to break up a relationship, but the way I see it, the guy means nothing to me, I don't even know him - why should his happiness mean more than mine? And its not as if I just want a casual fling with this girl, I want to be in a serious relationship with her. Even then, can it even be done? By trying to be the better man?
I am aware of how much of a bastard I sound. But I truly did believe she was the one, and from the way we were with each other, I think she thought so too, at least for a while. I have learnt from my mistakes, and I really want to see if our relationship could work out now I am less of a neurotic mess.

I'm sorry this post was so long. If you're still reading this, thankyou very much for sticking it out until the end, I would hugely appreciate any comments you have to give - I'm willing to take any abuse and disapproval on the chin!

[devonbrown]

No, you should not try to break them up and get back together with her. Even if the other guy means nothing to you, the girl supposedly means something to you and breaking up her current relationship is only going to hurt her. And why would you want to hurt her? Why do you think you are so much better for her than this other guy? Or any other guy for that matter? From how you described it, you were pretty much a dick to her throughout your relationship. While I understand you had personal issues which you were not dealing with well, and I am glad to hear you have worked through those, it is extremely selfish to try to get this girl back just because you think you are better than before. Maybe she has grown and wouldn't want to be back with you again? Plus, if she did get together with you again, she will always have the memory of the bad times and that is hard to overcome.

Do everyone a favor and just stay friends with her if you would like, but look to other women for your dating needs. It is the only thing that is fair for her and for you.

Good luck.

[steviej]

Hang out with her, have fun, always keep her smiling, if flirting occurs play on it. It's not your fault if she then starts to fall for you...

Or you might get completely friend zoned. Chance you take.