Read this embarrasses me :s

[astee22]

Ok I just wanna start off by saying *I know that I'm an introvert I've grown up spending alot of time by myself don't get me wrong I have great friends I love hanging out with but being the way I am I don't seem to have as much fun going out partying as they do so I spend alot of time alone which I enjoy to be honest I get alot of time to think about my life and although I know I'm not my true self around other people i like to believe im mature enough to know *who I am when im with other people and how other people see me. Before I go on I just wanna say I've been at a point in my life for a while now where opening up to other people in person or even on a forum like this seems to be just a way of trying to get someones attention so I've never really opened up I just spend alot of my alone time sorting things out in my head (it's amazing what you can do when you learn to think of your life from different perspectives and give yourself advise) so bare with me I know alot of this is gonna turn out just a bunch confusing gibberish *I just have so much to say! lol. Not to blow my own horn but I know I'm a cool laid back funny guy when I'm my true self. growing up in school i seemed to be every guys friend. Being the nice funny guy I was always the 3rd person on my mates dates. You know how it is in high school I was only really there to keeping the conversation rolling. This turned out to be quite depressing when I was never the guy on the date especially when we started to get older and I was less needed and is surprisingly pretty sad when your at like say a theme park and there's 2 seated rides or your at the movies and you have a seceret rule to go sit somewhere else at a certain time of the movie if you know what I mean I mean I'm not bagging out my mates at all they tried to find me a girl maaaannnn did they try to find me a girl haha! But at high school where personality wasn't even half the battle I never really had a chance. I know theres alot of people out there who feel unattractive just because they're hard on themselves and think that they're unattractive but when it's like an obvious fact of life it's a bit harder to hide from. Trying not to make this sound like a sob story I can honestly say I've never looked in the mirror and thought "wow your looking good!" I know your gonna say well do something about it lose some weight which is obvious and very doable but I also have very crooked teeth sorta like a rabbit haha and the fact is to fix that would cost a good $3000 to $4000 of which I don't have so you can see it's not as easy as fixing my eating patterns. I also know that being where I am in life and how I feel about myself there's a very small chance of me actually finding someone unless I change... I guess I just don't know how to change :s
Anyways being the 3rd wheel all the time the only girls that I would actually feel comfortable enough and Hang out with enough to be the real me around where my mates girlfriends. It's sounds real bad I know but believe me I never had bad intentions but over time after people break up and these girls have seen the real me and like hanging out long story short I start to spend alot of time with these girls. It's starting to sound like this happens all the time ok to make things a bit clearer at the moment it's happening for the 3rd time. Anyway we start to hang out you know become good friends this is a while after the breakups I mean my Mates always know about it like I said there no bad intentions. Eventually being the only girl to actually give me attention and wanna come Hang out with me i unintentionally fall for the girl I mean unintentional because I can feel it start to happen I can see it start to happen I don't want it to happen yet I can't stop seeing them. The first time this happened me and this girl got pretty comfortable with eachother I didn't know what was going on or how to feel so I just went with it. We were always cuddling eachother playing with eachother (non sexual) just having a good time. People used to think we were a couple but it was never official we never kissed or anything I was so crazy about the girl I eventually built up the guts to tell her how I felt. She told me she felt the same but couldn't do anything about it because she still loved her ex. I thought it was weird considering they had broke up over 2yrs prior but I was pretty sad and confused anyway so I had a couple days of school. When I come into school next she is so excited and happy talking about having met a guy on the weekend. I was so shocked about how bad i felt I sort of just went quiet and didn't say anything I didn't feel upset until I got home and it sunk in that I just got played. Everything was so obvious all of a sudden all the cuddling all the messing around was just to sort of keep busy till she found somebody else she could actually be seen in public with haha I had changed all my classes so that I was with her pretty much all day before this happened and I just couldn't handle it so I left school. That was in year 11. A couple *years later the same thing happens except this time I was a bit more wise as to what was going on I could feel myself starting to want to see her more I used to get home from work and she would be out the front waiting *so I stopped seeing her. She got upset for about a week then she met some guy. This time I didn't get upset I was so let down I just laughed. This happened not long ago so these days I think I really am depressed. Like I've gotten over the needing someone's attention depressed. I'm not silly I can see what's happening these girl might be attracted to my personality or whatever but can't be physically attracted to me so I get placed in bestfriend zone I know they don't do it on purpose but being in bestfriend zone and never getting to be close to a girl really messes with your head and your feelings. It's now happening for the 3rd time and I just don't know what to do. This girl came to my house the other day without even calling or anything. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend and is living around the corner and wants to start hanging out... I try not to think about it but I can see what's gonna happen and there's nothing I can think of that I could do to not get hurt and i really don't want my life to be like this all I can see in the future is more of this being the best friend that falls for you. I usually don't remember my dreams but for some reason I have a dream every now and then that I have an amazing *beautiful perfect girlfriend who cares for me and loves me like really loves me and if feels so real and I feel so happy. Happier than I've ever felt and then I wake up and pretty much start crying straight away and I'm upset for a day or two I remember these dreams as if they really happened and I woke up and literally lost the girl of my dreams except there is no girl. There never was a girl. I'm not a suicidal person I'm too much of a coward to harm myself but I can totally understand why giving up when you feel like your in the worst spot you could be seems like the only way out. I'm 20 years old so I know alot of you are gonna say I've still got plenty of time but I'm worried that if I do find the right catch I dont have the experience to keep her around until I feel comfortable enough to be the real me.

[steviej]

You've spent too much time focussing on bullsh1t.

Enjoy your life and gain more confidence, you'll find as you improve aspects of your life it will have positive knock on effects on other parts.
You touched on being overweight, yet immediately used some excuse about your teeth as a reason why you shouldn't do anything about it.
Exercise will not only improve your body but your mind. A good workout will make you feel great. Join a gym, maybe take up a sport as well. What about how you dress? Taking pride in your appearance will boost your confidence and girls really like a guy who does that, instead of wearing badly fitting jeans, dirty trainers and a t-shirt.

If you look upon having a partner to fix your self esteem and depression issues you will never find a partner. You have to be happy within yourself first.