What is she up to?

[grga]

Hello!
The post I'm about to write talks about the last three months of my life. Very intense months. So I think it's going to be a bit long. Sorry for that.

So, here's the introduction. We've met in December 2010. Before the formal introduction we had a mutual friend. She liked me, I liked her and we used to bump into each other here and there. She's 27, I'm 21. From the beginning of December, till the Christmas, we went out a couple of times with a few of mutual friends. We've always joked about our mutual attraction and age difference, "knowing" that we'll never be a couple or anything like that. On Christmas, we've kissed for the first time. A week later, on New Year's Eve, we talked a little, flirted a little, she mentioned she was a bit ashamed for what we did, cause of my age. But still, things just went on. We were going out together every weekend, with the same group of mutual friends (important thing, the male friend that introduced us is in love with her, she knows it and has told him that he's just a friend to her, but we still tried to keep our "affair" a secret because of him), we used every moment we could to kiss. We never met alone, cause it was just a physical attraction with a 6 years of age difference.

But till the end of January we became really close. We used to go home every weekend together, we talked a lot, found out we have similar taste in everything, and the chemistry between us grew. We "knew" we could never make it as a couple because of the age difference and for some reason, we always reminded ourselves of that. Other than not being together, we functioned like a real couple. when we couldn't see each other, we exchanged 15-20 sms daily, or very long and meaningful messages on fb. We slept for the first time around the beginning of February. The sex was great, and it seemed that we clicked on every level of connection we had. AT that point, we already knew for sure that the age difference kinda disappeared. Even the jokes have changed. Now she is the "younger one". A week after that first sex, we talked about our future for the first time. There was a lot of complimenting on each side, but the most important thing that she said was that she couldn't fall in love with someone completely because a guy she had to break up with about two years ago. And she didn't want to hurt me by giving me false hope that we could make it as a couple. From that point, we put a stop on every physical contact.

We "became" friends. That was a bit hard for me, cause I fell in love with her like crazy. The good thing was that we mean a lot to each other already, in these short few months, so I didn't look at her like someone I can't be with, but as a great friend. Although I never stopped feeling that I'm in love with her. Last Saturday she saw me with my cousin. Later that evening she confirmed what she said before. Even if we can't be together, she'd feel sad if she saw me with someone else (she said that before I explained that was my cousin). On Tuesday we talked again, again reminding ourselves why we can't be together. On Friday, she worked the night shift, and we spent 3 hours sending text messages. We talked about relationships. She told me her best friend thought that I was the guy that would never hurt her. She asked me if I can sail a ship, or let it float (ship being a relationship). To my answer she replied: "I can't wait to lose my head " (meaning - to fall in love, I'm not sure if the expression is the same in English) Yesterday night we went out together with friends. She asked me to dance a couple of times, hugged me all the time, used every opportunity to kiss me on the cheek or forehead, and touched me. We joked about having children, decided we'll have 3. That joke lasted for about 10 minutes. After that, we spent the entire evening deciding on the names of the kids. We were joking about that, but you don't think about naming your kids with someone for 5 hours for no reason. We couldn't be alone the entire evening, but every time we were close we just looked each other in the eye and smiled instantly, kissing on occasion, hugging at will and touching when no-one could see. Walking from bar to bar, she hold my hand every time, stood very close behind me in crowded places and leaning on my chest with her back as she would talk to people. Today we didn't see each other, and she said she'd had a family for the whole Sunday at her place, so I didn't hear from her yet today. Considering it's Monday in Croatia, I didn't hear from her at all.

I'm pretty confused by all this, and for the first time in my life, I'm kinda scared of forcing anything to happen between us, because as I said already - I fell in love with her, but we also became incredibly close in a short time. And I'm really scared of risking all of that by pushing her. Should I accept her game, if that is what that is, or accept the fact that she needs time? I'm clueless here, so any piece of advice is more than welcome!

[MerryH]

Should I accept her game, if that is what that is, or accept the fact that she needs time?

She never told you she needs time, though. She has told you explicitly that she will not be in a relationship with you. I'm sure it's still fun for her to flirt with you so she's going along with it. If you're fine with it never going further, then continue flirting with her, I guess. But that won't be very healthy for you.

[find a love]

Really, girls are love to be loved, and they won't let a guy go who love her easily.
Ask her a question about the guy. Make her choose, you or the guy.
I know it's kind of rude to do so. But, if it still going on like this, just like MerryH said, it won't be very healthy for you.

[grga]

She never told you she needs time, though. She has told you explicitly that she will not be in a relationship with you. I'm sure it's still fun for her to flirt with you so she's going along with it. If you're fine with it never going further, then continue flirting with her, I guess. But that won't be very healthy for you.

Actually, she told me she didn't want to start a relationship with me, cause she didn't want to hurt me, but that we will see what will happen in time. That was about 3-4 weeks ago, and we didn't flirt or joked about that at all until Friday. And we heard from each other every day and spent weekends together. And she's a type of woman everyone hits on, so I'm pretty sure she doesn't need me to tell or show her what she already knows. If you can see where I'm going with this.

Really, girls are love to be loved, and they won't let a guy go who love her easily.
Ask her a question about the guy. Make her choose, you or the guy.
I know it's kind of rude to do so. But, if it still going on like this, just like MerryH said, it won't be very healthy for you.

That guy's completely out of the picture. Before Wednesday, when we talked about him, she was often kind of absent and sad, she filled her fb profile with songs about never stopping loving someone, and stuff like that. She was with that guy for 4 months, but had to break up with him because of her father. Her father didn't approve of him because he was of another religion. So I talked to her about that, I even said that she should leave her dad's go and go live and be with that guy if she can't be happy any other way. She told me that she couldn't do that for many reasons, not just her father, and that she's not sad - she is just scared of falling in love again and ending up with a broken heart (that's why I mentioned that her friend said that I would never hurt her - and just to add, I've never met that friend of her's, nor did she meet me.) After that talk we had, she stopped being so negative about everything so I don't know what happened. Obviously the talk helped. But events from Friday and Saturday night are puzzling me.

[queenofheartsNY]

I pursued someone who didn't want to be in a relationship and the results were disasterous. I always felt like I 'put more' into the relationship than he did even though towards the end of our relationship things started to equal out a little bit.

In any case, this girl is trying to control you emotionally. She tells you she doesn't want to be with you but that she's upset when she sees you with other people. This is not okay. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. You have to tell her either you two get together or you are out of the picture. If she comes running for you, she wants to be with you. If not, move on to a woman who doesn't play with you like this.

[grga]

I pursued someone who didn't want to be in a relationship and the results were disasterous. I always felt like I 'put more' into the relationship than he did even though towards the end of our relationship things started to equal out a little bit.

In any case, this girl is trying to control you emotionally. She tells you she doesn't want to be with you but that she's upset when she sees you with other people. This is not okay. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. You have to tell her either you two get together or you are out of the picture. If she comes running for you, she wants to be with you. If not, move on to a woman who doesn't play with you like this.

Would you say that she is testing me? Like, let's see if he would stick around even if I would keep him at some distance?
I'm aware that it's not ok, but I rely on my instincts, and they've rarely failed me when I tried to determine if someone was honest or not, and I can't say that I find her a game-playing type.
And I really don't think of her as a god-given woman, I got to know her very good in a short time, and what attracted me the most was how down to earth and simple she was. So I don't think my feelings are getting in the way of clear thinking.
Her well being is more important to me than being with her, I won't be crushed if she'll be "just" a friend 'cause she's the kind of person I would like to have in my life either way (putting aside the fact that we clearly would function good as a couple, based on our relationship so far), I've been dealt my cards - I just don't know how to play them. Keeping distance for a while, or just being myself and stop expecting anything and let the time show what will happen?

[MerryH]

Actually, she told me [...] we will see what will happen in time

Are you sure she actually said that to you? Because I know how easy it is to take certain things a person might say and do and twist them to mean what you want to mean.

[jerybaby18]

I say pull back a bit and let her see what it is like to not have you around. If she misses you and really cares for you, you will find out. She will be back. Let her think about that possibility.

[grga]

Are you sure she actually said that to you? Because I know how easy it is to take certain things a person might say and do and twist them to mean what you want to mean.

Yes, I'm sure. We both concluded that having just a physical relationship is not possible for either of us. And her exact words were "And we'll see what will happen in time." I'm not clinging on to that, but I clearly see that she gives all her attention to me even though she's the type of a woman everyone likes to be around. Week after week, she talks to other guys for a few minutes and turns to me.

I say pull back a bit and let her see what it is like to not have you around. If she misses you and really cares for you, you will find out. She will be back. Let her think about that possibility.

That is the most reasonable advice I could get, and I have given myself that advice already. But the problem is, as I already said, I really started to care about her as a person, putting aside falling in love. So that's the biggest problem at the moment. We kinda have a great friendship with mutual physical attraction, compatibility and affection.

[smackie9]

I don't know why you have such a hang up about a 6 year age difference. I met my husband when he turned 20 and I was 26. We have been together for over 21 years........If it feels right go for it, who knows.... you might end up telling some one how you met twenty years from now.

[grga]

We don't. She said herself, once she got to know me a bit better, a number of times. That she watches me sometimes when I'm with friends my age and that I don't fit in with them, she often told me that she's surprised by my thinking, talking or anything for that matter. We completely forgot about the age difference. But now, according to her, she can't be with me until she'll be sure she won't hurt me because of her ex-love. And from all I've written here already, I think that's starting to happen slowly. I'm just not sure if it is.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nope, it's not happening. You need to not care that she is upset at seeing you with other women. Tell her that if she doesn't want anything meaningful with you, then you're going to keep looking for someone who does want something meaningful. Then distance yourself and don't be so warm and flirty with her when you're out; or just completely ignore her. One way or the other, you have to stop giving her attention or she won't ever have to make a choice. Personally, I'd keep it short and say something along the lines of, "You know how I feel about you, so if you don't want a relationship we need to end all contact".

[smackie9]

Life is not without risks, but you can't have a life unless you do take risks. There is really no telling what is going to happen. It will be up to you if you want to take the gamble. We cannot predict the future for you.

[grga]

Yeah, I know. I told her that I value a failed attempt more than no attempt at all. I had full confidence in what I believed we could have, but I did some thinking for the last few hours and decided to take a time-out from her. If she was being honest with everything she did and said, she'll probably come after me. If she lied, hell, I don't need someone who can lie so good.

[smackie9]

Oh well. When a relationship starts it has to grow. You can't expect full commitment and promise of love off the get go. That is what dating and hanging out together is all about. You have to get to know one another, get a feeling for each other and see if there is compatability, etc, before taking the next step. I think you over anylize so much to the point you are burying yourself in self doubt to the point you are calling it a "fail" when you haven't given her a chance.Tisk tisk.