Messed up situation but in a lot of pain.

[McFearless]

Okay, writing about is really hard for me.
In the summer (I was 18) I met a guy (25). The night we met was amazing, i had such a great time with him. I actually remember thinking to myself 'this is the best night ive had.' That was even before we kissed and I had no idea he was interested in me. But when we did kiss it got even better and I couldn't believe my luck. From then on we saw each other every weekend and texted/facebook'd during the week etc. It was a great time. Even though we were seeing each other we didn't get into an actual relationship as he made it clear he was terrified of relationships as he was just coming out of a marriage. And I didnt mind that, i was happy with how things were with us.
Fast forward to november and I randomly broke down and developed a huge anxiety/depression disorder and agoraphobia and I didn't see him for 5 months. In this time we chatted almost every day though online etc and actually grew closer. And in that time he helped me a lot (I helped him with his problems too). I never wanted to act too affectionate with him cause I didn't want to scare him but he's the one who started saying how he cared for me/missed me etc so I returned that.

The problem was i knew there was another girl he was starting to see. I couldn't show i minded too much as we weren't in a relationship. I knew she was leaving the country soon anyway.
But everything was going fine with us accept he expressed how he found it hard how he knew that whenever he would invite me out somewhere he knew the only answer would be 'no'. I said 'but you know I'm agoraphobic and you know the answer so why do you still ask?'. He says he wants me to see that I'm wanted. That didn't make much sense to me.
Last month we ended up having a argument as i confronted to him that I think he could have made more of an effort to come and try to see me. He took this worse than anyone could imagine. He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty, manipulating him and using emotional weapons. Also during the time he wasn't speaking to me I texted him a lot (at the time i didn't know why he wasn't speaking to me and wanted to make it right). The texting too much turned out too be a big mistake later.
But anyway, we recovered from the argument. Things seemed to be fine again. Msning/texing everyday. Still saying some really sweet things. Eg. Once he was somewhere at 3am and texted saying 'it feels weird without you'. Etc etc.

Finally, last weekend, it worked out that we could finally see each other after 5 months. But a few hours before we were going to meet we're chatting on msn and he tells me that when this girl gets back in 3 months he will probably be going out with her. Obviously I was really, really upset. But i had no intention to stop seeing him until she came back because I wanted to make up for the lost time. I was too upset to go out so instead I asked him to come to mine. When he came to mine we didn't end up taking about it cause he saw that I was feeling sick over it, I nearly threw up (he thought it was anxiety.) But we had a really good, really nice night.

The next day I say online how it's going to be really hard when i won't be able to see him in the same way anymore. He says 'Of course I want to still see you ! It's going to be an open relationship'. I told him I'd think about if I would still want to see him then (I wouldn't). Controversially he said said that he wants to see if it could be a 3 was relationship but i said I wouldn't do that.
Fast forward a couple days of things being good with us and he tells me that he's not going to have an open relationship anymore and won't see anyone until she gets back because it's unhealthy, unfair and I might get hurt. And she thinks I would just be there for him (I never said i was doing the 3 way thing.) I call him and basically asked him why he chose her not me. He basically says that, even though it wasn't my fault, i wasn't there. He has only met me less than 10 times and her about 100. I don't want him because i haven't seen him in the morning, when he's upset, angry. I ask if what we had means nothing to him. He said no, it has been important to him. And he basically said in his own way that he wished he got to know me more in that way cause things could be different. Also he says that he can find no faults in her which is important because he's terrified of another failed relationship after his marriage. I say 'you must think I have a lot of faults.' He says 'You're young. I think i would stop you from growing'. Unfortunately after the convo I warn him that I'm going to delete my facebook and i don't want him to think i have blocked him. He gets freaked out by this and says I'm acting 'scary'. I keep texting him asking why even though he keeps saying 'stop it'.

The next day (yesterday) we talk on the phone again. He tells me that by the argument we had a while ago where I text him loads and now the same thing last night I'm displaying the early behaviour of a stalker he has had before and people who have tried to hurt him. He says if i stop from now on I will redeem myself because then he will know again that I am not that type of person. And he just told me how much that behaviour upsets him and from now on when he says 'stop it' he means it. But he said that it has worried him and and his girlfriend. We had a really nice, long convo and by the end of it he says he really wants to stay friends with me and we can start again after that behaviour. But he warns me that his girlfriend will be very uncomfortable about our friendship. He then suggests i become friends with her so that she will be fine with me. He then hints at the 3 way relationship again by saying he would really like it if in the future it will be really relaxed and the three of us will be hanging out together.

Basically, i know how messed up this situation is and everyone is going to tell me to me to move on but i am not giving up that easily. I will fight for him. If I hasn't become ill i know we would be together. We have a special connection. We have have such a good time the few times we've spent time together. I'm sure he likes me alot, I doubt he would have put up with all this for no reason and wouldn't fight to keep me in his life. I honestly think we have something and i care about him so much.

You may think that I barely know him but he is very important to me. Consider that he is the only person I have had sex with and also the only person who made me feel okay during my breakdown. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him.

And now I'm scared that the girl will stop us from even being friends I'm worried right this second even because i haven't heard from him today.

I think his biggest worry are my faults because of what happened with his wife. How can i make him see that if we were together it would be amazing and I would never hurt him and *i would do anything for him ? Any advice please ? * **

[EmptyInside]

I don't know what to really say to you. But I want you to know, I read your story and I will hold my fingers crossed for you. I know it myself what you're going through. I hope you will stay strong

[McFearless]

Thank you for the reply

[IncognitoSir]

HE has just as many issues as you do. Something he said make s a lot of sense though. At the rate you were going it seems you were ready to do nearly anything to keep him around. You're only 18, true he's ONLY 25 but the guy has already been married and divorced at this young age. He has serious commitment issues that's why he's so afraid of a relationship with someone who isn't "perfect". (YOU) The girl he's about to start dating will fail also, there's something fundamentally wrong with a person who seeks perfection in a mate, that's not what a healthy relationship is about. Although you're hurt now, you are lucky it all ended before he pulled you down into confused and o so afraid of what might happen in a relationship life. Focus on yourself, get well and take this as a learning experience. You have to learn to see things for what they ARE, and not as what YOU see them as. It's amazing what infatuation can cause you to do. G'luck!

[McFearless]

Thanks for the advice, it helps. But I'm still not going to give up that easily. You're right, he has issues. Hopefully one day he will be healthy and realise what is actually good for him.

[IncognitoSir]

Thanks for the advice, it helps. But I'm still not going to give up that easily. You're right, he has issues. Hopefully one day he will be healthy and realise what is actually good for him.

I don't mean to be negative but the fact that he'd rather find someone "perfect" to date instead of realizing that relationships are filled with comprise for both parties involved mean he isn't trying to get healthy. He's not trying to fix himself, he's avoiding his issues. I'm sure you will continue to pursue him and I can understand why, you care a lot about him, but at some point (soon hopefully) you'll realize a situation like this is not good for YOU and could really set you back as far as love and relationships are concerned. Just remember you deserve to be happy as well, not just him.

[McFearless]

But if you think his relationship won't work won't he have to get real at some point ? He can't keep on making the same mistakes ?

[McFearless]

Anyone else ?

[IncognitoSir]

But if you think his relationship won't work won't he have to get real at some point ? He can't keep on making the same mistakes ?

On the contrary people DO continue to make the same mistakes. Why do you think their are so many bitter people in the world. Often times, people don't take the time to fix themselves they just avoid it like he's doing. He thought you would work but realised you wouldn't so what did he do? He found someone "better for him". What's going to happen when that fails?

[McFearless]

Well I don't know if he ever thought we would work (by his logic) cause he never gave me a chance. But I know he will want to settle down soon. So don't know if he'll keep going in circles or not.

[McFearless]

He's with her right now, she's back in the country for a few days. I can't cope

[IncognitoSir]

He's with her right now, she's back in the country for a few days. I can't cope

That feeling you have now, it's always going to be their so long as you wait around and hope he comes back to you. It's only going to get worst I tell you!