Girls: Is it Over?

[politicodc]

I've been dating a girl 7 years my younger for the past 9 months (I'm 29 she's 22). We clicked wonderfully. She seemed to adore me. And I her.

One day she she was acting out of character. Distant. I asked her what was wrong. She said "just some thing I have to work out in my head about us."

They she dropped it: "I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She said she had to confront it as she was in denial "for a while." We agreed to keep bumbling on.

The next day, I was hurt... shocked, really. I said "let's take a break." She seemed way eager for that and I backtracked. "Maybe we can just move forward."

She said no, she needed some space to "figure things out."

She is 22. I read this as "I am letting you down lightly." So I emailed and told her to remove her things from my apartment and that "a break probably won't do anything except delay my emotional recovery."

Fine. Relationship done, right?

But she responds in an email: "You're wonderful, amazing, don't deserve this. My only hesitation in this relationship is that I'm not sure it should last forever. I just wanted to take some time to figure things out."

So back to the break. Against my better judgment, I said "fine. take some time, figure things out, I'll at least give us an opening."

She said: "I think that's a good plan."

We have not spoke in 2 weeks. I'm a man first. I will not desperately beg her to take me back. And, quite frankly, I'm eligible. Not the best looking, but very successful, from a good family, and seemed to genuinely make her happy (she's a catch too, why I'm so heartbroken).

I think it's over ladies. Do you think she's honestly wrestling with whether or not to get back together, or she (wrongly) thinks this is her way of letting me off easy? Or a third option I'm not seeing?

[sunflower77]

Well, I am a little confused to be honest. Perhaps you should talk to her and ask her why she changed her mind so suddenly or what triggered all this? Instead of interpreting her words just try to really talk to her, it always helps. Perhaps she thinks that since you are older you are looking to settle down while she (being 22) isnt ready for this step yet and is feeling uneasy about the relationship but still really likes you and is just trying to figure things out?

[bluesummer]

At 22, it's really hard to want to commit to something permanently (I think you get this, from your other thread). When I was 22, I'd been with my bf for 5 yrs already and I remember thinking......is this it for me? Am I going to have to marry him next? The idea of that type of FOREVER at such a young age was terrifying, and quite honestly a little sickening. We broke up, and it was the best thing I ever did....sorry.

You guys are in very different life stages. You're ready to settle down into something permanent, and it sounds like she's not. Respect that even if it hurts. Give her the space she needs. If she doesn't come back, at least she's been honest, at least you know the breakup was amicable and for good reason. That's not going to make you feel any better, I know. You can't force someone to want to be in a relationship though, you have to let her back on her own terms, only if SHE is willing. Don't break down and beg (girls see this subconciously as weak and therefore unattractive).

Good luck.

[imagineallthe]

I think she actually does just want some time, I've said about the same thing she has to my previous boyfriend. But yeah, she may figure out that she wont commit forever...

[politicodc]

Thanks girls. For what it's worth, I've never pressured her to marry or settle down. I don't know where it came from. Was like a bolt from the blue.

I hope she just wants time. But I can't be dragged along for the ride while she's on her journey of self discovery.

What's a good way to reach out to her without sounding desperate or needy?

[bluesummer]

I think it's just INSINUATED you'll want more because you're older. I mean, to a 22 yr old, 29 is old. I can say that because I'm 31

Just let her know that you want to stay in touch, but don't force yourself on her. You could send her a 'tester' email just to say what's up. See how she responds. Don't send her anything about how your life is hell without her or something like that. Keep it light and casual.

[politicodc]

I like that advice. Girls, concur with Bluesummer?

[a19drift]

This speaks to me in a weird way. I'm 22, he's 29, but he won't commit, and that's all I want in the world, want it so bad I can taste it. The things I've grappled with with this man were at first clarification issues, then trust issues, and now..more clarification issues. It sounds like entirely opposite of your problems.

I've felt the way she says she feels, though. Like I just came to the realization one day that if this was the rest of my life..I didn't know if I wanted it to be this way, and I wanted out now so as to clear my head and evaluate. I'm one of those girls who has a long term plan and stuff.

That being said you have to understand that beyond a select few women out there, most of us are all heart. We feel FOR people, WITH people, and BECAUSE of people. So we don't want to be hurt, or hurt anyone, USUALLY.

It sounds like this girl has perfected the art of avoiding things. If she gets you to agree to a break, and then she doesn't talk to you for two weeks, she's expecting things to start glossing over for you, expecting you to not be so hurt anymore. She may continue to avoid the subject of the two of you for a very long time, forever is plausible.

If you want closure, don't let her get away with it. Call her out, make her spell out what's going on, make your wishes known. Best of luck to you.

[girl68]

I have to agree, I think it's over. I was 21 when i met my fi. I knew it was right even at 21. We did wait for 4 years of dating before getting engaged. That said I never doubted it like your gf is which makes me think she isn't as into it as you hoped. Which is good on her for realizing it. The bad news is she won't be coming back. In no way does that mean you're a bad guy. You're probably as good as she says you are... but that doesn't mean right for HER.

I suggest get in the it's over mindset and stay there. Pack her things up in a box and put it in the closet. That way it already seems like you're ending it for good. When the time comes you give her stuff back civilly and you move on.