Questions about moving in?!

[neelym2011]

I have some questions for you all. Ive been with my boyfriend for 7 months almost 8 and I honestly think he's the one. I love him more than anything in the whole world. He's the sweetest guy Ive ever met. He treats me really good and makes me extremely happy. We want to take our relationship to the next level and see where it goes. We've talked about getting a place together for the past couple months but the only problem is my mom. She doesnt approve of it because she doesnt believe in living together before marriage. Ive tried to talk to her about it numerous times and all but I get the same response. I just dont know what to do. If you were in this situation what would you do?!

My Questions Are
1. When is too soon to move in with your spouse?!
2. Do you think it's wrong to move in before being engaged or married?
3. Is it true that you wont really know who a person truly is unless you live with them on a daily basis?
4. How long did you wait before you moved in with your special someone?

[loveward_bound]

So how old are you guys? I say if it feels right then do it. I've been with my partner for just over a year and we plan on moving in together in the middle of this year. It's a bit more for convenience than for anything else though. I'm not stressing about it because I figure that it'll be a good indication of whether we really are meant for each other.

I would never marry someone prior to living with them first but I have no religious views that prohibit me from doing this. The reason for this is that I do agree with the concept that you need to find out whether you have similar living styles or can at least adapt to each others living styles before making a legal or otherwise binding agreement to spend the rest of your lives together.

Honestly if my partner wasn't working a few hours away from me we probably would have moved in together already. I should note though that I've never lived with a partner before so my knowledge only goes so far.

[Janet82]

1. When is too soon to move in with your spouse?!
As soon as you feel it's right. I moved in with my husband after we were together because we both felt it was the right decision. We got married after living together for three years.
2. Do you think it's wrong to move in before being engaged or married?
There is nothing wrong with it unless you think it's wrong. I understand in some religion people are not allowed to live together before marriage.
3. Is it true that you wont really know who a person truly is unless you live with them on a daily basis?
Living with someone can help you to understand a person more. When people are in dating relationship, they always pay attentions themselves about how they behave in front of the other one. However, it's not something you have to.
4. How long did you wait before you moved in with your special someone?
I said in the first question I moved in right after we were together.

[neelym2011]

So how old are you guys? I say if it feels right then do it. I've been with my partner for just over a year and we plan on moving in together in the middle of this year. It's a bit more for convenience than for anything else though. I'm not stressing about it because I figure that it'll be a good indication of whether we really are meant for each other.

I would never marry someone prior to living with them first but I have no religious views that prohibit me from doing this. The reason for this is that I do agree with the concept that you need to find out whether you have similar living styles or can at least adapt to each others living styles before making a legal or otherwise binding agreement to spend the rest of your lives together.

Honestly if my partner wasn't working a few hours away from me we probably would have moved in together already. I should note though that I've never lived with a partner before so my knowledge only goes so far.

Thanks so much for your advice. Im about to be 21 and he's about to be 24.

[vashti]

I have some questions for you all. Ive been with my boyfriend for 7 months almost 8 and I honestly think he's the one. I love him more than anything in the whole world. He's the sweetest guy Ive ever met. He treats me really good and makes me extremely happy. We want to take our relationship to the next level and see where it goes. We've talked about getting a place together for the past couple months but the only problem is my mom. She doesnt approve of it because she doesnt believe in living together before marriage. Ive tried to talk to her about it numerous times and all but I get the same response. I just dont know what to do. If you were in this situation what would you do?!

My Questions Are
1. When is too soon to move in with your spouse?!
2. Do you think it's wrong to move in before being engaged or married?
3. Is it true that you wont really know who a person truly is unless you live with them on a daily basis?
4. How long did you wait before you moved in with your special someone?

1. He's not your spouse. He's your boyfriend.
2. I don't think it's wrong, but I think it's stupid.
3. Only if you are incredibly unobservant and insist on living in denial when you see signs of less-than-attractive behavior.
4. Not long enough.

Listen, I don't personally believe it is morally wrong to live with someone without being married, but I don't see any reason to skip past the bf/gf stage. You have the rest of your lives to live like old married people. Living with someone makes them behave less like a BF and more like a spouse (or a child), and you will likely end up acting more like a momma than a girlfriend. I think you should enjoy the stage you are in now, and put off anything more for as long as you can.

As for not being able to get to know someone unless you live with them, bullshit. Unless you aren't spending the night with one another on a regular basis, you can see whether he's a slob or not, how careful he is with his money, how willing he is to help you get things done, if he's lazy, how he argues, etc. It isn't rocket science.

[Kaius]

1. You should at least get a commitment before moving in. Being engaged first gives you a nice preview of married life, and you can opt to back out.
2. Yes. Especially if you are young. It is very foolish, as you tend to get sick of each other before fully understanding each other.
3. Well, yes and no. You can spend a lot of time together and really know the person. Don't have to live together like a married couple.
4. I am moving in with my fiancee in 3 months, that makes us 20 months of dating.

Don't be tempted to move in together so you can be with each other 24/7. At your age, the probability of surviving the relationship is close to 0%
if you move in together now. Get to know each other....give it time. Rushing is foolish. Why would you want to live a married life before
you are ready?

[neelym2011]

1. You should at least get a commitment before moving in. Being engaged first gives you a nice preview of married life, and you can opt to back out.
2. Yes. Especially if you are young. It is very foolish, as you tend to get sick of each other before fully understanding each other.
3. Well, yes and no. You can spend a lot of time together and really know the person. Don't have to live together like a married couple.
4. I am moving in with my fiancee in 3 months, that makes us 20 months of dating.

Don't be tempted to move in together so you can be with each other 24/7. At your age, the probability of surviving the relationship is close to 0%
if you move in together now. Get to know each other....give it time. Rushing is foolish. Why would you want to live a married life before
you are ready?

Thanks for your advice. Im not trying to rush into it, we've just been thinking about it. My boyfriend said that he wanted us to move in together and get used to each other living together and see how we like it before we got engaged because he wasnt going to ask someone to marry him until he knew how that person was on a daily basis and knew more about the person...which makes sense because it's alot easier to just break up then it is to get out of a marriage.

[VincenzoG91]

One way to get a preview of living together is to take a vacation together. At least make it a weekend roadtrip to somewhere.

After that, I think that living together is a reasonable step to take after there is some level of serious commitment, but long before marriage. I can't even imagine proposing to a woman that I haven't lived with for a while.

All that said, I think that you're too young. I know, at 21 you're old enough to vote and drink and everything. But you're young enough that you are likely to continue going through some changes in the next few years, and getting really serious this soon probably won't work out.

[neelym2011]

Thank you for you advice VincenzoG91 I really appreciate it.
Me and my boyfriend have already done the whole weekend vacation trips also spending the night on the weekends with each other. We've been talking about us saving money up and what all we have to do to move in together. He wants to buy a house...I personally dont think thats a good idea because it's a whole lot cheaper to rent an apartment to start out in than it is to buy a house and something happen between us, then we'd be stuck with paying on the house. Which isnt something that I would want to have to be responsible for. You know?!

I totally agree with you, I dont think I would ever say yes to someone I havent lived with for a little while. It's so much easier to just live with someone and get to know them than to rush into marriage and all then have to spend all that money to get a divorce. Only problem with us and the idea of moving in together is my mom. She is TOTALLY against it and tells me that "Once you move in with a man he's going to get used to having you around and whenever you want to get married he wont marry you because he already has the best of both worlds...why would he need a paper?" I dont know if thats true or not but my mom is a pretty wise and smart lady. Ive tried to talk to her about it but she says the same thing over and over. She likes my boyfriend and everything but I dont think she's ready to part with her baby girl.

You're right, I probably am too young but I think I am more mature than most people my age. I grew up around people who taught me very good lessons on life and from their experiences and bad mistakes they made when they was growing up. Not everyone's relationship is the same. Some people marry their High School sweetheart and stay married for a very long time.

[reeba]

I agree you should not buy a house. When living together you never rent something or buy something you can't afford on your own. Nor do you cosign things with them - especially cars and utility bills. The reason why is when you live together you have no legal rights like in a marriage where you can hold the other responsible to some extent. When living together everything needs to be signed and a contract.

6 months is WAY too soon. You are just at the point in your relationship where the true personallity is going to come out. No one can stay on their best behviour forever. At this point in your relationship, you can learn plenty about him without living with him.

My personal belief you should never live together unless you are engaged and have a set date in the near future.

Why???? There are many reasons.
1. You will get past the 'honeymoon' phase while living together. Not a good thing if your goal is to get married.
2. If it doesn't work out (and the odds are drastically against you) dividing up the household items and debts is horrible since there is no legal understanding.
3. If it isn't working it isn't like you can easily go out and date someone else. You are tied down. I think this having sex too early and living together too early is causing our high divorce rate in this country. People get tied down too early in a relationship to one person, and next thing they know they have been with them for 2 years (not because they were the best choice but because there was no shopping around due to not being able to date), and then they just settle and figure might as well get married
4. You want a big bash of a wedding after living together? What is there to celebrate? You have already been playing the part of wife, and most people realize the wedding means little.
5. True it is good to know eachother before marrying, but there is little reason to try to work out your differences when living together. No reason to overlook anything or comprimise on anything when just living together.
6. If your mom is against it, think before doing it. You don't want to make your mom dead set against your relationship because you two decided to live together.

[Boisdevie]

My Questions Are
1. When is too soon to move in with your spouse?! too soon is when you don't think it's a good idea
2. Do you think it's wrong to move in before being engaged or married? I'm not religious so don't go for any of that moralistic bullshit
3. Is it true that you wont really know who a person truly is unless you live with them on a daily basis? You don't have to live with them to know how they are.
4. How long did you wait before you moved in with your special someone? With my ex partner it was a year.
And tell your mom to get lost - it's your life not hers

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, don't get a house at this stage, it's way too soon for that level of financial commitment. Like Reeba suggested, if you're going to rent a place, rent one that either one of you can afford alone. That way, neither of you will feel trapped if the relationship goes bad. And if the relationship stays good, you will both have the opportunity to save a lot of money that you can use years later for serious stuff, like a downpayment on a house.

[loveward_bound]

I think most of these people are saying that you can make your own decision about this situation but just be prepared to deal with the consequences if (god forbid) it doesn't work out. I.e. Financial, emotional and not to mention crawling back to your mother and saying "you were right". Speaking of your mother, she sounds a lot like mine, very cynical and being crytical in a way that she thinks might be helping. It sounds like a very old fashioned view and in the end you know your partner better than she does. I've never heard of a situation with my friends where they haven't gotten married because they're already living together.

[neelym2011]

I just want to say thank you to everyone that commented on my post and for all of your wonderful advice. I really needed a different person's point of view and advice on the whole situation. Some things you all said made me think about if Im even ready for that right now. I think Im going to wait just a little while longer and get to know him better before I even think about moving in with him. I guess I'll know when Im truly ready.


@loveward_bound: Yeah you're exactly right. My mom is very old fashioned but she is also a very smart lady. Im not going to jump into anything until I know for sure what he wants.