Need help or oppinion - I'm feeling left alone

[teel]

Hi all. My fiance and I (her:31, me:33) have been having these conversations for a long time now, but now it's starting to get to a boiling point, and I am unsure what to do, I'm starting to develop a serious depression.

The thing is my fiance likes to be around other men. In fact she has told me on numerous occasions, that women are not interresting, she always had exclusively male friends, and it will always be like that. That in itself is not the problem. But she insists on her right to go out with her best friends now and then, without me - they are her old friends, knows them for 20+ years, and I can't fit in she says. I have not asked her again, but a few months ago she was even fighting for her right to go out to party in the nights with them.

Now, if I am not completely mistaking, she is not the cheating type. The problem is not that I don't have confidence in her not sleeping with them. But I feel I am excluded from a part of her life. It feels a lot like she is embarrased of me in front of her friends.

I have told these concerns of mine, but she dismisses all of them, that I am overreacting, and what she's doing is perfectly normal, and I should deal with my abnormal feelings to accept her lifestyle.

A couple of months ago I have asked something similar on this forum, and I was advised by many of you, that the partner has the right for her privacy and her friends - but this whole thing just doesn't feel right. What bothers me most is her fervent fight to exclude me - she says that is because I am restricting her too much, and that is her reaction.

So I come here before you again: am I really overreacting, and trying to limit her too much? Am I wrong in thinking there's something not right in this?

[JBELL]

I feel sorry for you, i'd give up hanging out with other men to be with my boyfriend any day and she should be like this with you but maybe she doesn't like the fact that you've brought it up, as much as its going to kill you let her go a couple of times and let her know that it doesn't bother you that you trust he and love her and she's wearing that ring for a reason.

If this doesn't work find a group of girls to go party with so she can see how it would feel i know she'll get jealous and thats when you use your own words against her

Why can't you go out with her though? take her clubbing or to a bar or something to she can get that fun out of her system with you rather than using other men? seems so wrong to me lol and i'm a girl!

Good Luck

[teel]

Why can't you go out with her though?

That's the thing that I can't understand either - she says I can't join in the conversations and I'm making people uncomfortable just sitting around. But the thing is the couple of times I've been around, I was still left out of the discussion, she was often acting like I was not even present. We are in fact going out together just the two of us, and sometimes with my old friends, but not with her old friends. She is not sattisfied with going out with me alone, she told me clearly she will be sick of me if it's always only me, and noone else...

Just a few days ago we had a big fight, because she wanted to go to a music festival for a week - I have to work, so I can't go. She reluctantly agreed not to go for the full week, just two days now. The thing is the festival is in a city far from us...

JBell you mentioned jealousy on her part - the interresting thing is I get that from her too, and she doesn't notice the irony - even when I'm at work and don't pick up the phone immediately because I'm busy, she tells me maybe I'm cheating on her - partly joking, but I know there's some jealousy in it too.

I know what I'm writing here sounds serious, but don't forget it's still my point of view, if she was to come here, she would tell a different story. These are only my feelings...

[reeba]

I move alot and usually my closest friend will be a guy. I grew up with 6 brothers and the only girl in the neighborhood. Often I prefer to hang out with the guys. I don't talk shopping or relationships or kids (that is what women tend to talk about). I prefer to just BS with the guys.

The thing is these guy friends are usually have something that is a fatal flaw that makes them undatable by my standards. Also I know them soooo well, I know all their bad traits. So no I don't want a 'dating' relationship with them.

I'll admit that if I gave them an opening (they are guys after all) they would probably take it. But I view them too much like brothers, and being intimate with them just seems incest wrong.

Usually when they have a gf I have to downplay the friendship, and I know they lie when I'm hanging out with them. So women have problems with this too. But I handle the guys I date differently. I don't lie because I want my bf to be comfortable with me having a few close guy friends.

My current bf first had big problems with this. But I made sure he met the two that live near by. He seems more at ease now. But overall, since they all live out of town, when I see them it is just us. And yes I sleep on their couch.

So my advice to you, is to meet her guy friends. Chances are you will feel a lot better after you do.

[teel]

Yes reeba, it was actually her who said once on an unrelated subject, that the people are most afraid of the unknown. I know I would feel better if I got to know them, but she says I make people uncomfortable by not talking too much, so she'd rather not have me there when she meets them. So far I have met one single guy out of her friends very briefly, and that was because I insisted she introduce me to him - she wanted a private chat then too. She considers a few of these her best friends - I can't imagine me not even introducing my best friend to her, even more, I would love to help them become best friends too, it's in everyone's interrest.

I'll admit that if I gave them an opening (they are guys after all) they would probably take it.

That's the thing - I know perfectly well how guys are. And she knows that too - she bragged a couple of times how practically everyone around her wants to sleep with her. Given the situation I don't see how I can be comfortable with any of this. And I repeat, logically thinking I am sure she wouldn't sleep with them. Yet insecurity is a bitch, and I am really alone in fighting this...

[JBELL]

OK but i think the reason you don't talk is because she has made the situation uncomfortable for you by excluding you for so long. My boyfriend expects me to do all these changes for him and of course i do them because thats who i want to be for him and they aren't big changes but your missus sounds like she expects a lot from you but doesn't give in return.

Of course i don't know your wifes side of things but like you said these are your feelings and we are trying to make you feel better!

I just can't understand how she wouldn't want you to be there.

Jealousy is a vicious thing because you are going to be jealous of her and she is going to be jealous of you but you guys do it because you love each other and you don't won't to be apart.

[IncognitoSir]

BIG HUGE RED FLAG, "you can't come around with me and my guy friends". Again, HUGE RED FLAG!!!!!!! That is and always will be a very serious problem. Whatever the reason for her doing this that she tells you, it's not good enough. You plan to marry a woman who will choose days out of the week in which she doesn't want you around aka when she's with her guy friends. That's not fair to you. You need to put your foot down. I think she's a manipulator though and it's going to be tough, but you need to stand firm. Honestly, from the sounds of what you've said, this could be the end of this relationship. I wouldn't put up with this behavior. She's going to call you insecure, I already know it, but the bottom line is she's excluding you from a part of her. If you planned on getting married........what your's is mine and what's mine is yours, it just wouldn't work.