Deal Breaker...

[missunderstood8]

I discovered a deal breaker for my relationship the other day - one that I didn't know existed for me personally until I was faced with it. I haven't entirely decided what to do with this information/situation but I know that I don't want it to continue or for me to have to continue to be a part of it.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3.5 years and it has been mostly a good relationship. I'd say that within the last six to eight months, however, things have been getting a little rough - Thus, prior to finding out this information, I had already been starting to think of a way out of the relationship without totally breaking this poor guys heart. We live together and it's been a difficult ride for me to make a concrete decision on whether to stay and work on the relationship or to go and work on my relationship with myself.

My boyfriend was married before, they had one child together and she had two children already from a previous relationship. They got divorced, my boyfriend pays child support for two of them while only one of them is biologically related to him. He considers and treats all three kids as his own.

What I found out - the oldest girl (whom my boyfriend does not pay child support for) just turned sixteen. She asked for a guitar - we got her one, along with everything she could possibly need to start learning how to play. Most 16 year olds ask for a car for this birthday so we were happy to get her what she actually wanted vs having to go car shopping.
ON her birthday, I found out, second or third hand from a friend, that my boyfriend's ex-wife was telling people that he had promised to buy this girl a car and then changed his mind because he told her that he bought me a new car instead. I DO have a new car, but I made the purchase alone - uncluding the down payment, all the fees, and the loan for it is in MY name - he had nothing to do with it. My boyfriend also just purchased a newer vehicle but I had to help him financially in order for him to be able to afford it at the time he bought it.

Why this concerns me - I normally don't care what types of rumors people want to throw around about me, in fact, I usually just makes jokes about them, saying that if only my life were really that interesting....but this one directly involves my boyfriends children. I am afraid one of three things is going on here - either A) He really did tell his ex-wife this in an attempt to cover up the fact that he irresponsibly bought a vehicle for himself when he said he would buy one for this daughter and in order to make himself look better. B) She made this story up in order to justfy why she didn't make an attempt to purchase a car for this daughter in order to make herself look better or C) She is doing this in order to cause some type of animosity between all of us, making me look a money grubbing girlfriend in process, and possibly even using her children as pawns between her and my boyfriend.

Why this is a deal breaker - I dont want to be the person who starts coming between my boyfriend and his children, no matter whether this is all a lie or partially or all true. I dont want that. No one should have to be in a relationship wtih someone who ends up creating a problem with them seeing/being around/affecting the relationship with them and their children. I didn't sign on for being someones pawn in a game of who can treat their children the best/worst. Granted, when I entered into a relationship with a man who has children, I knew there would be soem different issues that I would have to do deal with, given that I dont have any of my own, nor do I ever really plan on having any children of my own --- but this was something that I considered to be one of those conflicts you see mostly in movies and less in real life. Now that it has entered real life, I just flat out dont want to deal with it.

I haven't confronted my boyfriend about this information - its only been a day or two and we are on schedules that make serious conversation time very limited - and I dont really know how to tell him that this is something that I no longer want to be a part of. I know his reaction will be something along the lines of telling me that his ex-wife is lying and causing trouble and that the people this rumor went through aren't totally reliable but I dont care about those things. Whether its a lie or not, whether these people got the story confused/mixed up or not, this is NOT the way that I want to be viewed as a person, reguardless of the truth.

So, what do you guys think? Am I being too harsh about this/ over-reacting, or is this something that maybe I am not reacting to wildly enough?? Advice welcome!

[VincenzoG91]

You should really talk to him before making any hasty judgments or decisions. Good communication is essential to a long-term relationship, and getting info from the local rumor mill isn't exactly good communication with your guy. I guess you could say that my dealbreaker would be a woman who would judge our relationship based on rumors instead of talking to me.

[missunderstood8]

Thank you...and I do definately plan on talking to him about. Unfortunately, our schedules at work give us little to no time together until we both have a day off at the same time...and this is definately a discussion that needs to happen when both of us are fully awake, rather than one of us being half asleep (which is the case for about 99% of the time we spend together).

I guess what's really bothering me is that his children are probably hearing this same rumor from the their cousins (children of this couple who is helping spread this rumor around)....and I am concerned they are going to start seeing me as an evil step mother type person, taking away their father from them, etc. They are kids after all and whether there's any truth behind the rumor or not, they are impressionable, especially where their mother is concerned.

I just don't want to be the person who comes between a father and his children - whether through the truth or lies - this is why it feels like a possible deal breaker...

but of course, there will be an extensive discussion on this matter...

[devonbrown]

I agree that you should talk to him. I can see your mind is made up, but honestly I think you are overreacting. You can't live your life based on rumors or what other people are saying about you. Personally, I think it is a little immature to decide that this is a deal-breaker, but that is just my two cents.

Good luck.

[missunderstood8]

Perhaps I am being too harsh, at least without hearing his side of the story...I appreciate the input. I also think that this news has come at a rather difficult time and is probably why I feel so stuck on this being a dealbreaker because, in effect, it is sort of "the straw that is breakin the camels back." I haven't posted on here the entire story of my relationship with him simply because I know what has been tolerable and what hasn't been tolerable for me and neither one of those things really out weighs the other, which is why I have stayed and tried to make this relationship work. This just happened to be one thing that I have never experienced in a relationship before and I didn't know if I was reacting properly or just blowing it out of proportion....and I would say that, yes, I probably have blown it out of proportion to some extent.
Of course, as they say, timing is everything...haha...and this is just coming at a bad time. In effect, it sort of adds fuel to my fire of doubts about this relationship being the right one for me to be involved in...Really, I don't know...I'm just as confused as everyone else is about relationships. Such is life if you want to involve yourself with another personally emotionally and phsyically, I guess - it's never easy.

[steviej]

I bet he just told a 'white lie' to avoid paying a lot of money out when he can't afford to. It's an easy thing to do, he's bought a car for himself, can't afford to buy one (for someone elses daughter!) So just says 'sorry, just bought the other half one!' No harm done...or so he thinks.

Like you already mentioned, on it's own this would be a non issue, but with all the other things that have happened it's been the last straw. It doesn't sound ideal the fact that you only see each other properly on days off!

Talk to him, see if all these problems can be resolved. Have you been bottling them up without talking to him, and now you've reached boiling point?

[sweetkissesforu]

I agree that you should talk to him. I can see your mind is made up, but honestly I think you are overreacting. You can't live your life based on rumors or what other people are saying about you. Personally, I think it is a little immature to decide that this is a deal-breaker, but that is just my two cents.

Good luck.

Very immature what next if you want to leave find something that is more of a deal breaker

[sweetkissesforu]

You have been in a relationship for awhile i think you just want out

[Horseyguy]

WOW amazing how this is all about you and how people will feel about you

It's bad enough him having to deal with the relationship being over but do you really have to make it about rumours that involve his kids????

Sounds like you just want out from the relationship and see this as an excuse to end it, pretty lame if you ask me

Maybe don't go dating people that have kids in future

[missunderstood8]

I appreciate everyone's input, even if I didn't want to hear it - sometimes, you just have to hear it from people removed from the situation to understand just how ridiculous you sound/appear.

Yes, I believe I have allowed this be blown out of proportion - it very well could have been a "white lie" for him to save some face - I just wish it wasn't something that would make me look bad in the process - in other words, I wish he would have thought about it a little bit more before he told it. He had to know there would be repercussions, somewhere, from someone. I want the man that I am with to respect me enough not to involve me in his lies - I dont think that that is asking too much from a significant other - or, at the very least, tell me about it before involving me so that I don't get upset when I do find out about it from someone else. I plan on telling him this when we have a chance to sit down face to face and talk for a length of time - hopefully this weekend.

I suppose that I also wouldn't discount the fact that I might want out of this relationship - in fact, I'm about 75% sure that I do, I just don't know how to go about it. Thanks to everyone for making me see that this is NOT the reason that I want out, just one of many reasons and that I definately shouldn't make it about his chidlren. They are the last people that I want to hurt - they really are great kids and he is the first person that I have ever dated that has had chldren so there have been quite a few different things that I have had to get used to being in a relationship with him - I guess this is just another one to add to the list. But, like every single woman dating a man with children, esp children in their teens, acceptance from those chidlren is very important - maybe even too important. You don't want to be the "mother" but you also don't want to just be the "fun girl." You have to find a way to exist somewhere in the middle --- thus my strong reaction to having his daughter think that I am the reason she didn't get a car.

Oh well, learning experience for me - be it the end of my mostly dead relationship or just a stepping stone away. I will talk to him about it, get his side of the story, and then make a real decision.