Need advice about FWB with an ex

[monthofmay]

So about a year and a half ago my ex girlfriend, of almost 5 years, and I broke up. The reason why we broke up is because of me lying. We met in Undergrad in University and I had lied about some of my marks is classes that I had taken. So I was applying for jobs for after I graduated and I had my cv,resume, transcript packages all set up. She asked if she me if I wanted her to put into a good word for me at her firm, so I said yes, she told me to send her my application package so she could look it over. So I was in a dilemma here I could continue with this lie about my marks or just come clean. So I decided to just come clean, I sent her my package and didn't really say anything about me lying. So obviously she was gonna be pissed...I knew it...I didn't know how to react. We talked that night and over the next 2 weeks we broke up. She told me she couldn't trust me anymore, that she didn't see a future for us anymore, that we wasn't where she thought we would be, and that she fell in love with me partly because she liked how I was smart & confident.

We broke up and I was pretty beat up about it. I ****ed it up. I was totally in love with this girl, I wanted her to be my wife, I tried to include her into every aspect of my life. Except I lied...and I messed up a really good thing. I didn't want to talk to her, but she wanted to keep being friends. We tried a couple of times to just hang out and I think she was fine with it. One night we watched "Up!" together, it was a cute movie...but I felt awkward being alone with her. I was tangling with a lot of emotions...and after the movie I told her that I didn't think that I could be just friends. She told me she wanted me to be in her life and that she cared about me a lot. I told her I cared about her a lot too. That was the last time I spoke to her for about a year.

This past October she sent me a message over facebook asking how I was, but also asking me if I knew anywhere to get some pot. I told her I could get her some, because I would prefer her not going to meet some sketchy dude somewhere. So we met up, hung out for a bit, and then went our ways. This encounter wasn't so bad for me...I felt still a little awkward being alone with her, but I was more emotionally stable. A couple weeks after this happened she messaged me over facebook again asking if I wanted to go out with her and her friends on a Friday night. I told her no. She said she understood that it might be awkward. That evening she called me and asked if I wanted to smoke some pot with her. I said sure and she made her way over. She came over and was a little drunk, we hung out and I'm pretty sure she was having a lot of fun. I mean why wouldn't she? We were just hanging out and she was in a great mood just coming back from going out for drinks with her friends. Again my emotions just got the better of me...seeing her two times so close together brought up a lot of emotions in me and I really felt I had to push away. Again I told her I don't think that I could be friends at that point, I still cared about her very much, but this whole situation was awkward for me.

Now, two weekends ago. I went out with my brother, my roommate, and a friend to meet some old co-workers at a bar. I got to the bar pretty late and guess who I see almost immediately...my ex. It's a bit awkward we're at the same bar, but I had always told myself that it was going to happen eventually. So the night progresses and my roommate/best friend was talking to her all night because he was interested in one of her friends. So she's around me all night, hanging out with my best friend, occasionally we'll say a few things to each other but I wasn't trying to have a conversation, and she's been getting pretty drunk. So the night comes to an end the bar has last call, and then I see her again all ready to go. So I approach her just to ask her if she had fun and that it was nice to see her again. We make some small talk and then she starts crying....it was somewhat emotional of a topic cause I asked how her grandma was doing and apparently she's having some health issues. So I told her it would be ok, wiped away her tears, I tell her we should catch up over coffee, she tells me to promise, I do, and we go our separate ways.

I went back to my apartment to just hang out a bit with my roommate, brother, and friend. Started getting to bed around 3:49am at which time I saw that I missed a phone call from my ex a minute ago. So I call her back, and she says that she's outside my apartment and I can hear in her voice that she's crying. So I go downstairs and let her in, and she immediately begins to bawl on my shoulder and says that "She misses me". We go up to my apartment, I grab her some water, and we go to my room. We lie on my bed together and I try to get her to calm down and we just talk. Eventually the conversation comes to dating; she asks me if I have a girlfriend...I tell her no...I tell her I've dated 3 different people since we broke up. She asks me if I slept with any of them I told her no, she asks if I haven’t had sex since we broke up...I tell her yes. She then proceeds to start kissing my neck, but I don reciprocate. I stop her and tell her that "this feels a bit weird". She stops and we talk a little bit while longer. At around 5 she says that she should go home, so I offer to walk her to her apartment which is only a 10 minute walk from my place...I only offered because a girl shouldn't be walking home by herself at that time. During our walk we talk as friends would do, she tells me that I'm a "nice guy" and that most guys aren't, that friends are fleeting and the meetings you have in life aren't usually that meaningful. We get to her apartment, and she asks if I want to sit in the lobby with her for a bit. I say yes, and we talk for a bit. Eventually she asks to cuddle, I say yes and we cuddle for about 45 minutes, 30 of which she's asleep on my while I'm hugging her. I wake her up and tell her to go to bed. She thanks me for taking care of her and asks me to text her so she knows I got back to my place alright. I get home, I text her, and then I sleep. The next day she texts me in the afternoon to thank me again.

The following weekend, so in order for us to figure out if we could have any sort of friendship that we needed to talk about what happened the previous weekend is how I felt. So I texted her Friday asking if she wanted to get some coffee on Sunday, and she agreed. On Saturday night my roomies and I went out for a drink, and guess who we run into again. So nothing really profound happens that night, my ex and I exchange “hellos” and I sort of ignore her for the evening, but I often noticed that she was hanging out in the same area as my friends and I were. Come Sunday, we meet up as agreed for some coffee and we just talk for a bit at the coffee shop, but can’t find anywhere to sit. So we go back to my apartment, but before we go upstairs we talk in the car a bit. We talk about what happened that Saturday night when she called me and came over. She tells me that it happened because she “was really drunk” and that she was sorry. She again asks me about my dating after we had broken up, and I tell her the same thing as before that I had been seeing some other girls during. So we go upstairs to my apartment and we hang out, my roomies are around and pleasantries are exchanged. My roomies eventually leave and my ex is getting ready to go too, I ask her if she’s gonna be doing anything in the afternoon and she says she has to go in to work to finish some stuff. I ask if it’s urgent, she says no, I ask her if she wants to watch a movie, and she agrees. So we watch a movie together in my apartment and for the first hour and a half it was pretty normal, I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable watching a movie with her as a friend. We would crack the occasional joke, but otherwise we sat quietly. Then she began trying to playfully tickle me, which turned into us tickling each other, and eventually making out. Without saying to much we eventually wound up in my bed together. Afterwards we talked about what had happened and we somehow came to the conclusion that we would try to be FWB. We cuddled for a while and then she had to leave eventually, but while we were cuddling she asked me “if this felt weird” and “if I really felt that she was that different now”.

I’m really confused as to what I should do in this situation. I guess I should describe myself or at least how I feel about myself. I believe that I’m a warm, kind, considerate person, I’m very relationship oriented guy, and have been described as having a warm heart. When I spoke to my friends I heard both sides, that this was a fine idea and that this was a terrible idea.
My friends who thought it would be fine told me that if I wanted to do it that I should, but that it would take a lot of effort on my part. They said that I would have to have a cold heart and that if I begin to feel any type of emotional connection that I had to reevaluate and figure out what I want from the arrangement.

The other side said that this was a terrible idea – I should state that my brother is a leading voice behind this opinion, they said that it seemed like my ex wanted to get back together with me and that by becoming FWB with her that I would be putting myself in a situation to be hurt again. They said that knowing me I would begin to develop feeling for her again, and that people don’t change so what would stop her from just hurting me again.

I would love to hear what people what to say about my situation. What do you think is going on through my ex’s mind? What do you think that I should do here? What would you do in this situation? Your own experiences with becoming FWB with an ex? Just any type of insight or advice would really be appreciated.

Thanks

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You can be FWB with her, just make sure she isn't the only one you're seeing. You need to be actively seeking other girls while sleeping with her, and it will actually work in your favor, because you won't seem more to girls you're approaching because you won't care whether they say no or not. Have sex with her, but keep her at an emotional distance. Don't talk to her about your feelings or anything beyond superficial small talk, unless you want a relationship, at which point you need to make that known and then you two can decide what to do accordingly.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

STFU. This girl dumped him because of his transcripts, she's obviously a shallow bitch, or at least she was then. This guy would be a moron to put all his eggs in this basket. She dumped him, so she needs to be the one to offer more if that's what she wants. If they decided to be FWB, then he needs to make sure he's not treating it as a relationship, so that he doesn't end up getting hurt because she doesn't want more. If she is the only person he's with and not pursuing any other interests, then he is going to start being dependent on her emotionally and that's a set up for disaster. He needs to keep his options open in order to protect himself from someone that's already broken his heart once.

[Bonfire]

She seems like she still has feelings for you. The reason you guys broke up wasn't that bad. She gotten over it by now and realize she misses you. And if you still have feeling for her, then I think you should avoid the FWB and just see ask her if she wanted to get back together. It really depends on what you want.

[devonbrown]

Here is my opinion. She didn't hurt you before. You were hurt because of the breakup, but she didn't hurt you. You wound up hurting yourself. You said, "So I decided to just come clean, I sent her my package and didn't really say anything about me lying." The thing is, you didn't come clean. You just sent her the information to catch you in your lie.
This is what is confusing me in your post. You seem like you are the type of guy who wants to talk things out, analyze them, discuss and dissect them. I am not saying this is a bad thing. But when it came to the issue of you being honest with her, you chickened out. She doesn't need to be "different" from before, you need to be a little bit more of a stand-up guy.
You stopped her from being FWB before. But you still wound up getting into that situation. I don't know if that is the best case for you. She still seems to want to get back together. And you still seem like you want to get back together. But not getting together for fear of her "hurting you" again sounds like the same chicken thinking that got you into this in the first place.
Examine your motives. Examine your wishes. And if you really are a talk-things-through kind of guy, then do it. But do it all the way. Don't pussyfoot around things that make you a little uncomfortable. She will respect you more for that. And you will respect yourself more for that.

Good luck.

[monthofmay]

I sincerely thank everyone for all the replies...I think that I need to do some serious introspection and figure out what I want out of this relationship. What everyone have said has given me some food for thought.

[Nice Lover Boy]

FWB is healthy as a long as your friend is not in a serious relationship with someone and not in love with you.