Will it ever stop?

[Lifetime]

This is my first post here. I don't really feel comfortable talking about these things to the few people I'm close to, so I don't know where else to turn except someplace like this. I'm aware that most people will probably not take the time to read this huge post, but I feel like just letting it all out will help me.

About a year and a half ago, I met the first and only person I've ever loved. I had met her through some friends, and at first sight I honestly thought she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Luckily for me, she told my friends that she thought the same for me, and only a few days later we were together. It just started with a kiss, she simply said "Greg, I think you're really cute, can I kiss you?" I told her right then that I was not looking to "hook-up" with anyone, that I'm over that kind of stuff and I was only looking to get involved with something that I could see having a future(in so many words). She always told me how happy that made her throughout our relationship, because she felt the same way. After that night, we basically fell head over heels for each other, and very fast. We started hanging out constantly, and I do mean constantly, we became "official" after only about 2 days.

Looking back, we moved way too fast, but I think it's the only way me and her could have moved. Our relationship was great for a long time, there were some bumps, but they just didn't seem to matter because everything felt so perfect. Things started going downhill about 8 months into our relationship. I was a very bad boyfriend at times, my jealousy was her biggest problem with me. I would not let her hang out with other guys, and at first it didn't bother her as she didn't want me hanging out with any other girls either. Before I met her she had a ton of friends that were guys, I guess she started to miss them, which is totally understandable, but at that point I wasn't thinking the same way. I didn't want her around guys, period. There were times when she'd go out to parties and hang out with guys behind my back. She always broke down a few hours after doing it and would tell me what she had done. I never left her for this, and I'm very confident that she never cheated. I hate myself for being the way I was, I wish I would have just dropped the jealousy and let her do what she wanted to do, because I realize now that I should have trusted her, I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me.

I also ruined a lot of things for us. On our one year anniversary, she told me she had run into her ex-boyfriend while at a restaurant with her friends. She said she just said "hey", and that was it. I blew up at this, and totally ignored her for the good part of the day. I called her later that night, and she was very upset, but eventually ended up forgiving me. I messed up like this a lot. I never had the money to give her anything, mostly because I spent it all on cigarettes and gas, and lots of other things that should not have been priority. I still cry thinking about how I messed up so many times that could have been great.

Basically I screwed up a lot, and she did to an extent too. Our relationship was very rocky for the last couple months. She broke up with me about 3 or 4 times in the year we were together, but it never lasted more than 12 hours or so, she would always end up calling me crying, telling me how she could never be without me. I can honestly say that I was willing to work through everything, and would have been willing to work through it for the rest of my life. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. She broke up with me about 3 months ago, she said she couldn't do it anymore, she felt trapped, and didn't want a relationship, especially the one we were in. Keep in mind that not a day earlier she was telling me how she could never be without me, something she told me quite a bit. I spent the first couple days crying and trying to get her back. About a month ago she called me crying early in the morning, and eventually asked me to come over. I did, foolishly, and we ended up having sex(not that you wanted to hear that) and hanging out for a few days. Eventually it got to be too much and we both got really emotional, we realized that we're only hurting each other more by hanging out. Since then, we haven't spoken.

I still walk around every day with a heavy heart. I just can't forget about her, it feels like I spend every waking minute thinking about her. I have frequent dreams about her as well. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but I feel like I caught the only one for me, and that no one could ever match up. Will this ever stop? I can't even get myself to do anything but sit in my room playing bass guitar for 10+ hours every day. I have only a few friends, and we do hang out, but it doesn't take my mind off her. I just miss her, I want her back, and at the same time I don't because I don't ever want to feel this way again. Besides, I am almost positive that I have no chance at ever being with her again, and I refuse to hurt myself even more by pursuing her. It already nearly kills me when I drive past her in my car. Basically, I feel hopeless.

[Bonfire]

I'm not going to tell you that she'll come back to you one day. I'm not going to tell you that you'll find someone better than her. I'm not going to tell you that time will heal your wound eventually. You heard all that I'm sure. But I do want to say that you are very lucky. When I was reading your story I feel that you had experience something wonderful. How many can say they were once in love with the most beautiful girl in their eyes? There are so many people out there that wish the girl of their dreams would feel the same about them. They were never lucky enough to experience love and lost. So in this sense, I consider you very fortunate. I had experience that kind of love before and even knowing how it ended, I would still go through it again. It made me who I am today. I became a better person, I tackled my insecurities, I got rid of my jealousy, I am far more confident and trusting today than I ever was. I sense moved on, never look back but I carry the fond memories with me. These are my treasures. Now, I am crazy about another girl, I won't make those mistakes that I did before, that's for sure. Good luck man.

[Lifetime]

Thanks for the words, it is much appreciated, and also makes a lot of sense. I would definitely not take back the time I spent with her, and I've definitely learned a lot about myself as a result of our relationship. I definitely feel better about myself today then I ever have, it's just hard for me to take advantage of these newfound feelings when I don't even feel whole without her. These feelings will pass I guess.

Thanks again though, opened my eyes a bit.

[98db]

Your relationship sounds very similar to mine. I feel for you because I think I know exactly how you feel. I am trying very hard not to call her, and honestly, I don't know what I would do if she actually called me. In my case, I am better off without her because of other issues she has, but that doesn't seem to ease the pain. That's all. Don't know what else to tell you because I am trying to figure things out myself. Good luck.

[steviej]

Look at what you've been through and learn from it. A 'trial run' if you like. You've recognised your mistakes and whilst single this is something you need to work on. Your jealousy probably stems from a lack of confidence/low self esteem, so this is something you can improve about yourself which will make you feel tons better, the knock on effect is that women can recognise it and it is an attractive quality.
Jack the smoking in, join a gym/take up a sport, physical exercise has a massive boost on your mental wellbeing.
Basically you want to be in a position that when you enter into a new relationship you don't repeat your mistakes.

[Lifetime]

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for the advice/kind words/etc. Feels good to get a little feedback on this, as no one around me understands what our relationship was like. A lot of people tell me "you're better off", and "it wasn't such a good thing anyway, was it?". So thanks for letting me pour my pathetic heart out to you guys, it is appreciated.

[steviej]

We've all been there mate

This forum helped me loads, use it as much as you need!

[Lifetime]

Ugh, now she has texted me at 1 am asking for me to call her to "catch up". I told her it wasn't a good idea, but it's taking a lot not to just call her. Guess I won't be sleeping tonight!

[Cerby]

Dude, don't worry, I'm sitting with my phone in my hand trying not to call my ex too. Don't do it, we're all in it together!

[skrapy4]

From a females perspective, it really touches me when guys gush their feelings, its beautiful, but at the same time- u are aware of what u did, and even though she may have moved on,u never know what will happen. Take this time to live life as u want it, and trust me after going through the heartache that i'm still going through now, it's gonna be hard! Babysteps, babysteps

[Lifetime]

Yeah, I'm sure she was just lonely and thinking about me. I'm pretty sure she's moved on for the most part, but even if she did tell me she wanted me back, I'd be out of there fast. I know me and her can't work out, and I'm not going to do anything that will hurt her or me even more. But man, do I miss her.

[Cerby]

At least you have the fortitude to realize that its not going to work and are able to move on.

I'm still a sucker for my ex, although I decline to see her most of the time, she still calls and texts and I usually play her game and text back. But hopefully when we meet for a quick coffee on Sunday I can end it for good.

[DarkHelmet82]

how old are you both? She sounds confused......

[Lifetime]

I'm 24 and she's 20. Yeah, she's definitely confused and we've talked about it before. I just hope she never comes back to me, because it's going to kill me to tell her I can't, I know she thinks I'd take her back in a second.