Help please

[anotherwoman]

Before meeting my partner I spent 7 years with a man who was very jaelous, controlling, I could not speak to another man, or go out without him. It was hell. Then I met my current partner.He was leaving at his parents and had never been in a serious relationship. Everything was perfect for 1year and 4 month .He moved in a few month after we met, we got engaged 8 months after he moved in but since I have been trying to plan the wedding and he was never interested (he asked me to marry him!). I started to get worried and kept asking him if he loved me and tried to get him involved. We had a few argument before because he goes to his parent for a sleepover once a week. I do think it is nice that he cares and want to spend time with his family but sometimes I work 3 nights in a row and because he works days we don't see each other when I work night shift, he would pick the 4th night (when I am not working) to go to his parents. The other day we were sat in the living room and I told him he wasn't giving me enough attention....( I had not seen him for a while, I missed him but after giving me a kiss he sat in front of the computer) then I asked him would you rather live on your own and he said yes the next day he went to his parent and said we needed some time apart. He had to sort thing out at his parents house. He said he needed space and I was always all over him. In the meantime I am here on my own, I have not seen anybody or talk to anybody for 5 days. What bothers me the most is that he asked me to marry him and now it feels that it is all falling apart. I didn't think I was asking too much of him. I knew he wanted more space so I volonteered to work some Sunday shift and I went out with friends and now this happened....I am totally confused, I feel betrayed. What when (if) we have children...I would really appreciate your help.

[DolphJames1988]

From what I can understand, what I see is a comitment problem. As in, he may not have realised what he was getting into when he moved in, asked you to marry you, and it might all be getting a bit too much for him atm....not saying he doesnt love you or anything, because I'm sure he totally does, and a bit of space may actually be good. I know you might feel alone and left out at this time but be positive. Things are never bad when you keep a positive mind. Maybe he just needs time to realises what a big commitment it all is. Because living with someone, getting married, and possibly kids for your future is a huge comitment, and maybe he just needs some time to realise that, and to get his head round of it. He will surely be back soon. Don't worry

[98db]

Sounds likenhe is getting cold feet. Talk to him about it, but don't pressure him about it. You really don't want to marry somebody who might be having second thoughts. Marriage is tough enough to have to start it on that foot.

[anotherwoman]

Thank you so much for your reply. It does help a lot. I will stay positive it is very hard right now but I agree with you when you stay positive good things happens to you. Thank you so much.

[devonbrown]

I wouldn't worry about the having kids part right now. In fact, this type of comment might be what started scaring him. He seems to be having some doubts, not knowing what he was getting into, etc. The fact that he moved right out of his parents' house and into a living arrangement with you might be the biggest issue. He may be realizing that he has never had time to be on his own, discover who he is, etc. Some time and space seems the most logical route right now for both of you.
I wonder why you felt the need to talk about your previous relationship at the beginning of your post. Does that relationship have anything to do with your current one?

Good luck.

[anotherwoman]

Thank you so much for this helpfull reply. I think that now we have spent some time apart it does make sense, it happened too fast (specially for him). I mentioned my previous relationship because I think it could have turned me into a control freak I know what it is like when you have the feeling that you can't do what you want and I don't want to make him feel this way. We always talked about kids and marriage from the beginning, he said I love you and he mentioned moving in firt. I supposed I took it all for granted. I think I was taken by surprise he doesn't talk much but I wish, he had done it sooner. I know now we can work on our relationship and he seems to be willing to. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

[anotherwoman]

Thank you so much for reading my post and for you reply...it is hard not to pressure him because I feel I need answers but you are absolutely right, I must not do it. All advice received so far has been so helpful. Thanks again

[GivingUp]

It sounds all very confusing. Perhaps he does feel like moving in together and all this was too quick but at the same time, he did ask you to marry him.
It must have been a shock to the system being in his first full on relationship but at the same time, it seems like you hardly see each other so I can understand if you are all over him when you see him.
Perhaps there are underlying issues? Does he go out with his friends sometimes? Does he get time to blow off steam on his own? Maybe there are other things on his mind that are being taken out on you.
Talking right now doesn't sound like an option, but perhaps when he comes home he'll want to. If he doesn't, give him his space, do that little bit of extra work or something you have on your to do list before giving him your affection.
After being in a controlling relationship it must be hard to do things as normal and feel freedom. Do you go out with your friends? Do you get time to blow off steam without him? If not perhaps you should make some alone time, he may just feel stressed if he feels as if he is the centre of your universe atm.
That's all I can say with what you have said. I hope I have helped in some way.

[anotherwoman]

Thank you so much for your post. I think you might be right by saying there might be underlying issues. He only goes out to his parents. He used to go to the gym and to his cage fighting classes every week day when we first met. He stopped and said I was indirrectly putting pressure on him by asking at what time he was coming home. He said the same about the moving in situation and the engagement but I was very cautious at the beginning and he mentioned all those things first and he spent ages trying to pick the right ring, he seemed to enjoy it at the time and the ring was perfect. I go out from time to time but not as often as I should...sometimes it is not easy with my shift, I am at work when everybody else is at home and vice versa. Thanks to everyone's good advice I feel like I am going in the right direction. I was feeling sorry for myself, very confused and angry when I posted it. Every comment I am receiving is helping me to do one more step forward.... I have made some enquiry about Salsa and belly dancing classes today. I hope I will be able to help too at some point.