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Thread: Help!!! My partners past is haunting me

  1. #1
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    Help!!! My partners past is haunting me

    Hi everyone, first ever post online, so be gentle!

    As you can probably tell from the highly unimaginative title, I am currently feeling a range of negative emotions due to being fixated on my fiances past sexual experiences.
    I'll draw an outline to get you up to speed. Im male aged 26 hetrosexual, my fiance is female aged 34 bisexual, we have been together for just under a year, and live together. We met at work, she was so beautiful when i saw her that i swear i fell in love then, we got to know each other and over a couple of months realised that we both had feelings. We were both in relationships already, so before we did anything we broke these off, she was with a girl at this time. The relationship was so natural, i had never been happier in any aspect of my life. Knowing that we were together made the whole world illuminate, i knew that she was the one for me. The present was perfect and the future looked rosey. She was so happy when i asked her to marry me, she cried, said that she never though she was going to marry someone, that it never appealed to her, that she didnt think that anyone would ever be the 'one', she said it finally felt like she was in a fairytale for the first time in her life. So all is well. Until i started started to become obsessed with her past and who was in it.
    We have both lived quite different lives and obviously because of the age gap she has lived a little more of hers already. I had a few issues while growing up, which also had an obsessive nature to them, and this led me to having a fairly tame time in relation to sex throughout my teenage years and early twenties. I went to uni, but did'nt live the 'typical' uni lifestyle, as i had 1 girlfriend throughout the majority of my time there, then i left uni and got a job, how quaint and boring! My fiance, went to uni and had multiple partners, one night stands etc, girls and boys, after she left uni she went travelling for a year, more partners etc. She also, aged 25 years, spent 4 years working in africa, where she had a long term relationship with a local man. Obviously she has had other serious long term relationships aswell.
    So all in all, i have slept with 5 girls, she has slept with about 30 people. At first i didnt even register this as an issue, i didnt care. Then i started to think all kinds of negative stuff surrounding sex, such as 'who has she done this with before', 'how many penises have been bigger than mine',' how did she give it away so easily when she was younger', 'there is nothing that we can do together that she hasnt done before', comparing myself all the time, images, thoughts etc etc. All the information that i know has been from my questioning, she never brings anything up herself, it is dead to her, it is me who keeps bringing it into the present. The issue has become a big deal for us now, i sometimes become less affectionate, loving and seem cold to her when im thinking these thoughts, which must be awful for her, yet i cant stop. I want to let it go and see her for herself again, and stop looking at the shadow behind her. I have been to seen an expert, which didnt help all that much, telling me stuff i already knew. My fiance has been very very supportive, even though it affects her so much too.
    I know that it might sound sexist, or moronic, i am aware of this, but i really dont mean it to. I wasnt bothered about my previous girlfriends pasts, i didint really know anything about them, but this just seems so important to me and i dont know why. I am also aware that i am not a perfect person, god, i have more flaws than most! So its not like im saying 'look at my unblemished life', im just tired of these thoughts that have literally made me sick.
    Any constructive thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.

  2. #2
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    I suggest you both go to couples counseling before you walk down the isle. Marriage is no picnic my dear and once the infatuation dissipates, the issues are amplified ten fold.

  3. #3
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    Dude, there is no happy future if you're gonna be this obsessed with her past. You can't change the past!
    For me, if I love a woman and want to marry her and I find her trustworthy, I don't care what the f**k she's done in the past. They happened before she met/ fell in love with me. What matters for me is how she is doing 'now' rather than what she did in the past. I am not perfect and don't expect her to be one. I love and want her for who she is, not who she was. people can learn from mistakes and change. I know because I have. Well that's me.

  4. #4
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    I will vouch and say she or you cannot change the past, what's done is done. Fortunately to go a little more in depth put this into your back pocket; You mentioned what she has done with who before you, who was more blessed with his privates than you, etc. Well, I used to feel the same way with my ex, I used to get so bent over her past that I'd bring up an argument out of nowhere just because it was pissing me off. But I eventually realized that I couldn't change what she did and I was no saint myself, especially now. What I'm saying is my ex slept with so and so but it was just the generic hook up with somebody you're dating. BUT the stuff WE did was her first, I won't go into detail but since she felt very special to me and about me, she opened up more sexually and emotionally. My point is you never know what she's done before you and what she did first with you. And last think of that she's with YOU, not them, they obviously weren't much if she's with you now, whether they were dull in bed or wild karma sutra kings/queens.

    Even though I don't follow what I'm about to tell you because I do past dwelling a little too much, live for what you have now and what you will have in the future, what was 2 minutes ago doesn't matter now.

  5. #5
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    Just had a similar issue with a girl I dated for about a month recently, she'd been with 21 people before me and at age 23 to boot. The relationship ended for other reasons (me acting hostile towards her when drunk, may have been triggered by my knowledge of her past), either way I don't miss her that much though she was a sweet girl in spite of it

  6. #6
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    I expected horror stories. If all it is is that she has had more sex than you I would suggest you find a way to get over it. Don't throw away a good thing over something as silly as numbers.

    Click [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/52495-partners-history-causing-bad-problems.html"]here[/URL] to see a similar topic on these forums.

  7. #7
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    DoesntMatter is offline Love Gurus
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    People don't want to be held accountable for their actions and to cover it up say "the past is the past"

    The reason is because a lot of these same people saying "the past is the past" are in similar situations and don't want these things to be held against them

    However, the second it is an issue to which they can not personally relate, they will change from saying "the past is the past" to "YOU DID WHAT?"

    People are hypocrites. If you wanna drop her because she was a skank, you wouldn't be wrong for doing it. Girls don't date guys for their past, but generally for the opposite reason

  8. #8
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    I think maybe seeing a couples counsellor could help too. I know you said you had seen someone and it didn't help but maybe being there together might put a different spin on things. Seems you have become quite obsessed with it and that alone can be destructive, never mind what she has or hasn't done you are driving yourself crazy with all those thoughts. Often what we criticise in other people is a result of that same or similar flaw in ourselves. Are you feeling 'less of a man' because of the obvious different pasts you have had? Intimidated or not good enough? I wasnt bothered about my previous girlfriends pasts, i didint really know anything about them, but this just seems so important to me and i dont know why Try and find out why this is bothering you so much (maybe examine other aspects of your relationship) and then you will know how to get past it. Careful you are not subconsciously sabotaging the relationship.
    Good luck.
    Some people are drains and some are radiators... Keep clear of the drains and hug the radiators!

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