Dont know what to think or do. Something terrible happened.

[Nick Plenty]

I just found this site.
I need help because im losing it.
please dont judge me, read my whole story even though i did cheat on my wife. Im trying to do the right thing but now im barely coping. My story has taken a horrible twist but the worst thing is i have nobody to speak with this about. This is a very impersonal way to get help but its all i can think of to do. Please read this and respond if you have anything helpful. Thanks

I met a woman at work and we started having an affair less than three years ago. She was a portuguese translator who was also tasked with teaching me portuguese for some business travel i would be doing in brazil. We tried to resist our obvious attraction but my marriage was not intimate and hers was loveless. Eventually we fell into each other's arms. Eventually she divorced her husband, not just to be with me but mainly because she didnt like being around him. At some point i told her i wouldnt leave my wife for her because i need to be a full time father to my small children. She broke up with me many times but we developed an intense passionate pattern of reconciliation. I have never felt comfortable being a cheater but i was weak to her and lonely since my wife has been dispassionate to me for many years. I still love my wife but this woman had found my weakspot and turned on the part of me that needs intimacy and sex.

Even so, the last year or so i have been trying to break it off. My mistress is a very attractive for her age 52 (i am 44) and she has told me she wont be alone and needs to find somebody who will grow old with her. I have tried to limit my time with her, have ignored her over weekends, been aloof sometimes, all the while telling myself i dont need her. She, in turn would drop hints about dating and also accused me constantly of cheating on her with another mistress (not true). I have always hatedd being a lying, cheating pos to my wife.But most of all i have been afraid of my "girlfriend" leaving me and what the jealousy would feel like but also feel guilty that she has been alone. So this was the nature of our relationship if you could call it that.

Then two weeks ago something horrible happened. Im in shock still so if i sound detached about its because i still cant believe it.

Normal Tuesday morning, get in my car, go to work. I happen to see in my email as im waiting at a light that some people are not going to work that day because of what has happend to Maya. Then i get a phone call from a coworker. He asks me if i heard what happened to Maya. Her car got hit in the intersection by a delivery truck. Fatal.

I have never spoken a word about my affair to anybody at work. I dont have a lot of friends but the ones i do have were never told about her either. The two people i am closest to are my wife and Maya.

i cant believe how much i miss just IMing her at work. the little expressions of affection. The silly way she would say things with her accent. Its killing me. It feels like a huge loss. And i didnt want it. I pushed it away so much. I have no right to feel lonely. Now that she's gone and nobody i know at work even talks about her. I cant tell my wife because thats ridiculous. I should tell my wife what i did and its over because the other woman is dead. But im actually ANGRY at my wife for some reason.

Im coming unglued. I cant sleep and i have panic attacks when I think she is gone and i will never see her again. none of this makes any sense.

[Spring Haze]

Therapy.
..

[Golfer]

Shit. About as serious as it gets. I'll throw my two cents in.. do with it what you will..

Don't tell your wife. While I'm an advocate of honesty and transparency in relationships and marriages, if there is absolutely no chance she will find out anyway, then I think telling her would only add further confusion and hurt to your lives. You made a mistake by cheating on her, but people make mistakes, you just happened to make a big one, and now you're stuck biting a pretty big bullet. I would speak to a counsellor about the grief you're feeling and once you have your head together I would re-evaluate your marriage. If it really is lacking in the physical intimacy department (and hey! that's extremely important) then it obviously either needs work, or you should decide if you really want to be with her. It's not fair on her if you stay but aren't fully committed. Your grief is your punishment for cheating, don't cause your wife the same pain.. and if you do decide to stay with her then never stray again! Also, don't be angry at your wife either. She's innocent in all this, and while you guys may have had intimacy issues she did not "push" you to cheat. You did that on your own, but .. you're human and humans aren't perfect.

[Nick Plenty]

I keep checking my chat program to see if she is online.

For some reason i feel angry. I feel jealous at her. Im wracking my brain for clues if she was seeing somebody. There is no service for her here (her family is in brazil and thats where its being held) but i have fantasies of requesting a service for her and see who shows up. Just crazy i know.

The panic attacks keep happening. I cant focus on my work. I feel like she broke up with me and disappeared so i cant ever contact her again. Half the time i wonder if i am dreaming what happened so i go look at the online account of the accident to remind myself its real.

I know i need help but i dont know how or where to get counseling. My work doesnt have an easy way to get this and I have no time anyway. My job is overwhelming me.

I just want to see her one more time and tell her anything. I want to tell her im done with her and i will never see her again. I NEED to tell her i dont care about her and that i never loved her and it was all a mistake and i have no feelings for her, nothing. I NEED her to know these things!!! This is never g oing to end. I cant think straight. This is killing me every minute. every minute.

[DarkHelmet82]

People know me on here know that I am generally a pretty nice guy and give pretty good advice... However in this case...

I think your an ahole... to be honest.. I dont condone cheating nor do I sympathize with you.. sorry dude.

[Cerby]

Wow, did two people just say that girl deserved to die? what the f*ck is going on here. . .usually this forum is better than this.

[VincenzoG91]

Get therapy and don't tell your wife. And then consider maybe getting couples therapy with your wife to improve your marriage, but not until you've dealt with your own issues.

[DarkHelmet82]

No cerby you are misinterpreting what I meant.. I took out that part because It can easily be misinterpreted.. I feel bad that something awful like that happened..Nobody deerves that... but this Nick Plenty should concentrate on his wife and KIDS.. instead of going around sleeping with women...

Hes a coward and a disgrace to himself and his family.. you wont get sympathy from me because you dont deserve any.. and this poor women is dead and yet again all you can think about is YOURSELF.. you are selfish and need to take a serious look at why you are like this...

I know I sound like im being an ass but its the truth and someone needs to say it.. You may be a nice guy or whatver and may not be a bad person.. but what you have done and what you are doing is wrong and selfish..

I am NOT judging you, but rather your actions.. and as they say "you are what you do."

[Nick Plenty]

thanks for the help

[confused&single]

So what you did is clearly terrible. What happened to her is even worse. Eventually I think you need to tell your wife. It isn't fair to her that you cheated and even more unfair to live a life that is essentially a lie. Relationships aren't perfect. Some lack in the physical area and some lack in communication etc. With that said, there is absolutely no excuse for going outside the marriage to satisfy some need. But I think it's clear that you know that and regret the decision immensely. Right now I think you are just mourning a person whom you connected with. Just like you would mourn anyone else whom you cared for. That makes this extra tough. Because of the nature of the relationship you absolutely need to speak with a counselor. When you've sorted out how to get over her death, time to confront your wife and tell her honestly what happened. She'll be heart broken and you'll probably be heart broken because you've hurt her and your family, but as the saying goes "the truth shall set you free". I'm sorry that you are hurting but unfortunately life has a way of sending what you put out there back to you. It's called karma as cliche as that sounds. Good luck and please speak with a counselor. It sounds like this could spin you into a deep depression and that's a whole new level of hurting.

[bloodtippedrose]

Get therapy and don't tell your wife. And then consider maybe getting couples therapy with your wife to improve your marriage, but not until you've dealt with your own issues.

Good advice. It's hard to deal with grieving a loss of someone you love and its got to be quite maddening when you can't talk to ANYONE about it. That's what great about talking to a psychologist. They are unbias ears that help you cope and better your quality of life. It's your best bet and well worth the money. If your wife questions why you want to seek help tell her that a friend from work died and its got you deeply questioning mortality so much so that its affecting your daily life.

[KimyReizeger]

I agree that therapy / counselling is a good option. This may help you come to terms with what sounds like a deep loss for you, and allow you to vent some of your frustrations in the company of another person.

[ev90]

You need to go to therapy and make some decisions when you are in control and thinking straight. Dont take it out on your wife, thats not fair she done nothing wrong and dont forget you feel in love with her once so there must be something there. This might be your chance to make everything right again. You might need to go take time out for a while and get some serious help and then make up your mind on what your going to do. Even a week might do you good away. You need to deal with your loss before you can live your life and its not fair to make your families life miserable. If you have family you can trust go talk to one of them, you need help and real advice right now