is this love or control?

[anxious40]

Hi, I'm really hoping someone can offer me some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. Things were fantastic until early last year when his attitude seemed to change, especially towards my kids. We spoke about things and he eventually acknowledged it and has tried hard with them since. So that's no longer a real concern but may help you understand the confusion I was feeling at that time.
Since last April we have lived on opposite sides of the world due to his work. There had been a few issues in our relationship other than the above and I stupidly slept with an old colleague on a couple of occasions. My boyfriend found out and we have been trying to save our relationship ever since but he has changed so much.

Not a month goes by that he doesn't accuse me of sleeping with someone. He has also called my best friend and I lesbians because she has been staying with us whilst having her house decorated and she sleeps in my bed. This is something we have done since kids and there is absolutely nothing sexual in it at all. However he seems convinced and says it is not natural for two 40 year old women to share a bed. I totally can't see his point of view and said I wouldn't have my friend sleep on the sofa when there is bed space!

He seems to convince himself of things to the point of obsession and nothing I can say will change his mind. He publicly posted horrible stuff about me on Facebook which our children, friend and family saw. Now most of my family are against us. Each time something happens he explodes but then in no time is telling me how much he loves me and almost avoiding what he has done.

On Thursday he rang me accusing me of having a profile on a website looking for men or women. I was dumbfounded and explained this wasn't me. He is convinced it is and has demanded my email passwords. Whilst I have nothing to hide I refused, I gave them to him before after another accusation but have since changed them telling him he has to trust me. He is coming home on Tuesday and now saying things like he can't wait to see me, kiss me etc and he loves me and I'm his life. I tried telling him last night that I am anxious about seeing him yet he didn't want to discuss it instead being all lovey dovey.

I really really love this man but am not sure how much longer I can stay in this relationship. I know I did wrong last year but it is like I will have to pay for that mistake for the rest of my life if we stay together.

He tells me I don't love him as much as he loves me, that I'm using him for money blah blah, which is rubbish. I have to keep reminding him that I myself lost 27 thousand pounds on a joint venture that didnt work out!

I just don't know what to do, I suffer from stress and anxiety and since Thursday have been having panic attacks again. When he is the man I fell in love with things are wonderful, but when he changes he is nasty, spiteful and judge, jury and executioner. I feel like he is always checking up on me and he questions me about new Facebook friend, MSN contacts etc who are all people I have know for years.

My friends say he is controlling and for me to get out but that's easier said than done cos I really just want the man I fell in love with back but is it too late for that?

Add on; he calls me sometimes as much as 6-8 times a day, sends numerous emails, complains I don't email him as much etc. I work from home with another friend and don't always have time to respond to gushy emails and when we chat sometimes I'm distracted with work. I also feel I don't have much news to tell him on a mail as are constantly on the phone. If I go out he rings and questions me. He gets stroppy if I don't have time to Skype when he wants to, I've explained sometimes due to our 7 hour time difference I can't always do the times he wants. He seems to think I spend all my time online. Acts like a jealous child when he sees I've commented on someone's status but not sent him a mail. The list goes on. On Skype calls he often plays with himself and wants me too aswell, which is pretty hard with two teenage daughters in the house.

Am I being selfish and uncaring to his needs or is he being unreasonable?

[smackie9]

I have to say you are in an abusive relationship. Relationships will and do fall apart and well there are times they are not fixable. I can only suggest couples counseling with a therapist to learn how to make your relationship better. It's going to take time, and there is no guarantee it will work. Just give it your best shot.

[Horseyguy]

I agree with Smackie9, you are in an abusive relationship and maybe he does love you and it's because he is insecure that he is acting this way, but it seems just way too full on and controlling.

Being full on is one thing if that is contained to gushy but it's the abusive part that concerns me (accusing you of being a lesbian / demanding to know who you are talking to etc)

[falnangel]

I have to agree with others- this is 100% an abusive relationship.

You are definitely NOT selfish, or uncaring of his needs. He's acting like a 16 year old insecure boy who desperately needs to grow up.

My gosh, please lose him. Think of the example you are setting for your kids. I don't know whether you have a daughter(s), but imagine if she were in your situation, what would you want her to do?

Please do it for your kids if not yourself.

[Gratedwasabi]

It sounds like he lost all semblance of trust in your relationship when you cheated and it's not possible for him to regain it. There will never be trust, so just end it.

[anxious40]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I don't know how to thank you on each post as I only registered today.

It's hard for me to comprehend that it is an abusive relationship as I am so strong willed and in no way submissive. When he is back next week I am going to try and talk to him and hopefully he will actually listen as all I know is that I want a relationship where we are equals and respect each other. I now sometimes dread picking up my phone for fear he may be about to throw another ridiculous accusation at me.

I do love him and want things back on track but I do have to put my daughters first and won't have their views on relationships blighted by this.

Still so confused as most of the time and when he is home, he is the most loving and caring man I have ever met. I keep feeling I'm to blame as he has changed since I cheated so I think that's why after each episode I have given him one last chance.

Thanks all once again

[Gratedwasabi]

Still so confused as most of the time and when he is home, he is the most loving and caring man I have ever met. I keep feeling I'm to blame as he has changed since I cheated so I think that's why after each episode I have given him one last chance.

Thanks all once again

It's because when he KNOWS what you're doing his jealousy fades. It's only when he's not sure that his complete lack of trust surfaces. I've been the guy in this situation (although not as crazy, just distrusting) and frankly the chance of him ever regaining the same trust for you with his personality type is zero. He'll never trust you fully again and that makes an unhealthy relationship for both of you.

I'm not going to pretend a big part of this isn't your fault for cheating. I mean, that's pretty obvious. That said, he should have ended it when he realized he couldn't cope with it.

I 100% promise you he will never regain his trust in you, regardless of what you do. If you give him your passwords he'll think you have another, secret email. Etc, etc.

You need to end it, for both of you.