My friend wants to break up with me? WTH?

[seganomics]

Hey forum friends. I just really need some reassurance that I’m not a crazy person. I have absolutely no idea how the following is resulting in being a friendship ending situation.

Backstory: Met this guy thru my now ex-boyfriend. We’ve been friends for about a year and half. Have had feelings for him for about nine months. I got out of a relationship six months ago. Talked about feelings once about five months ago and the result was we’re just friends. He blew up on me at the end of March where he said I was using him and didn’t appreciate him and it was completely unexpected. He didn’t talk to me for two weeks.

April 12th: Friend and I resolved the argument where he felt like he wasn’t appreciated. We decide we’re going to hang out on the 19th. Happy fun times for all.

April 14th : Had a crap day, friend met me at Dennys it was all good in the hood.

April 15th: Sent friend a “How do you do?” email and mentioned that I have plans to possibly move out of town if not out of state.

April 16th: Friend writes back. He invited our mutual friend to hang out with us on the 19th and asked if I was cool with it. I didn’t want to hang out with the both of them so I responded no but that he should hang out with the friend instead then. Totally not upset about it.

April 16th-19th: I don’t hear anything from my friend. Doesn’t respond to a text message. Doesn’t respond to let me know if he is going to hang out with other friend.

April 19th: I send an email confirming his plans so I can make my own plans. I get an email back that he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang out with the two of them together and it’s upsetting him. And now he doesn’t think he can be my friend anymore because he thinks I want more than friendship, We’re having relationship arguments, It’s an emotional rollercoaster.

I don’t know where the wanting more is coming into play. It can be tough wanting more but I didn’t think I bothered him with it. Also important he’s acting like a crazy person… not what I’d call attractive behavior. And the whole you know... MOVING AWAY thing.

If he feels like there’s “relationship arguments” ensuing he seems responsible in my opinion. I didn’t even realize we were at an impasse with the hanging out. He wanted to hang out with his friend and I agreed he should hang out with his friend. Where’s the dilemma? I wasn’t upset, also… I’m not the one yelling at a friend “I don’t feel like you appreciate me”… just… saying…

And I feel like the emotional rollercoaster is totally not my doing either. I’m not the one yelling at the other person to grow up and not use me, or insisting we can’t be friends, or getting upset because I don’t feel like hanging out with so and so. I ask to hang out, I have happy fun times, I send happy fun emails. I get back rage and generally craziness. What in the hell?!

I’m so confused and I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know if it’s worth caring he doesn’t want to be my friend. I mean he’s a great guy but this is the second cup of crazy I’ve been served in the last month. No thanks. It's just confusing because like I said up until like a month ago we've been nothing but pleasant and awesome times.

Sorry this is long, but if you reached the end and you have some advice that would be awesome.

[smackie9]

Well from here you have done nothing wrong....as for him, my suspicion is that he DOES have feelings for you. Just not sure why he isn't pursuing you......maybe since he is friends with your ex, he feels your ex will shun him for wanting to date you.....does that sound possible? His reactions are of jealousy, and that would mean he likes you for himself.

[seganomics]

mmmm no... when he said it seems like I want more, he said that he didn't. And I would think when I said I didn't want to hang out with the two of them if he was into me then he would have continued with our plans as scheduled.

I don't personally know how my ex would feel... we haven't talked for months, but I can't imagine it bothering him. he ended the relationship and looking back even though it lasted for a year and a half it doesn't feel like it was all that serious. But I may be completely off.

I think it's just startling because for a year and a half... completely sane. last month... he's just been erratic and moody and in my opinion unpleasant. was he hiding the crazy? is something else going on? did i cause this to happen?

[abn25]

This is most definitely a communication problem from the start. If you started as "friends" and decided it should be as such there would not be a problem unless one of you developed feelings and more importantly didnt know how to say it. This leads to arguing and odd behavior because there is unspoken langueage going on between you. It seems if he didnt want something more when you asked maybe you should not have kept pursuing it. He may now be confused becasue he decided he does have feelings and doesnt know how to express them. The only way to remedy this is to communicate when you are both not in an angry state about whats going on. What can i say, ppl dont always realize they have deeper feelings at the same time, and your both all screwed up at this point. Take it easy, explain where your coming from, give him space, act like adults. If this doesnt work, move on and no contact!!

[seganomics]

I've never actually brought it up. The first time was like three weeks after my breakup. We were just hanging out and he said " I like being your friend and I just want to be friends." and I was down with that because I just got out of a break up. I was honest and said I liked him and there may come a time when I want a boyfriend and if he doesn't want to be there like that then we probably won't be the type of friends he's thinking.

I have not pursued it. Like honest to god. It's always been friendship based. No benefits, or miscommunications (I thought.) But I'm beginning to see he doesn't speak his mind... so god knows what's been boiling up there for the last six months.

Basically when we met a relationship was not even in the plane of possible. I was in a content relationship with his friend. And then the more I got to know him I was like "Wow he's a cool guy... I'd date that." and then when my boyfriend and I broke up it was pretty much like... "Yeah when I want to date ... again... I'd date that."

Maybe he's freaking out because I've started dating again and he doesn't want to and he thinks I'm going to start hassling him. Just thinking outloud... But what about that possibility?

[leoben]

He blew up on me at the end of March where he said I was using him and didn’t appreciate him and it was completely unexpected. He didn’t talk to me for two weeks.

Did he explain why he thought this?

You're in a touchy situation since this guy is friends with the ex. Not all guys are totally doglike and comfortable with dating their friends ex. How does the ex feel about you two hanging out and talking all the time?

[Bo]

You guys had plans to hang out and since he suggested that another friend come hang out, you then decided to not hang. Sounds like you wanted the "two of you" to hang out. That's what i would think. Was the other friend a female?

[DarkHelmet82]

i dont get mad at my friends when things dont go as planned....

[seganomics]

Did he explain why he thought this?

You're in a touchy situation since this guy is friends with the ex. Not all guys are totally doglike and comfortable with dating their friends ex. How does the ex feel about you two hanging out and talking all the time?

I asked and never got an answer. Eventually I just apologized that he felt that way and would try harder and he apologized for his temper. And like I said my ex and I don't talk, but knowing how much my friend cares about the opinions of others about him I'm gonna guess if my ex had an issue with it we would not be friends.

You guys had plans to hang out and since he suggested that another friend come hang out, you then decided to not hang. Sounds like you wanted the "two of you" to hang out. That's what i would think. Was the other friend a female?

Nope another guy friend. I did say "I didn't want to hang out with you and BLANK. I wanted to hang with you." I see how that could look that way. I guess I don't understand why he got mad about it. When the three of us hang out there all sorts of silence...

Friend 1 (the one I like) is 33, Friend 2 is 37, and I'm 25. They have been friends forever and I met them both thru my ex. They are really nice guys and I enjoy spending time with them. But when it's just the three of us usually someone gets left out of the loop. We just have three totally different friend dynamics. I could hang out with them in a group of 4 or more, or at a movie theater or something. And after he said he didn't understand I told him this. If he didn't understand why did he get mad about it instead of trying to understand?!

He's reasoning made no sense... "You get along with Friend 2 so I don't understand and it upsets me."... So... because they get along with their group of six that gets together every Wednesday they should all want to hang out with each other all the time all together... Apparently not. Because despite hanging with that group on Wednesday Day Friend 1 wanted to also hang out with Friend 2 on Tuesday.

i dont get mad at my friends when things dont go as planned....

That's what I'm saying He threw wrench and I was ... oh... meh.cool. do whatever with the wrench I'm going to throw back... and he hurled back more crazy.

If he doesn't want relationship fights... stop getting upset and start getting enlightenment. If you felt unappreciated say something and bring up concrete examples. If you don't understand why I'm not interested in your new laid plans ask for clarification.

And if you're tired of the roller coaster of emotions then for godsakes stop throwing your damn hands up every time someone steps out of character in your Truman show man.

More venting I know...