My bf doesn't think I try...what to do?

[lilxcutie53]

So my boyfriend and I had a fight yesterday because he feels that I half ass the relationship and that I dont make him a priority. Which is funny, because I sometimes feel the same way. But basically he told me that he doesnt want to see me anymore if im going to half ass it. I know this is kinda vague, but I want to try and show him that I can be a good gf, but I dont want to overly try to where he starts to think he has all the power now and take advantage of the fact that I'm trying.

So where do you draw the line.? How should you try harder by keeping the relationship somewhat balanced, but also not over doing it?

[reeba]

Depends on WHY he thinks you are half assed. Maybe you deserve to be scolded. Or maybe he is controlling.

So what is he asking for? And what is he griping about?

[Yet another guy]

If a girlfriend didn't make an effort because she was worried that I would take advantage of that, I would be deeply offended. If such worries prevent you from making an effort, you probably don't care about him enough. If you really expect him to do that, you don't think of him very highly. I agree that kind of thinking is acceptable when you start dating but aren't you in a relationship now? Why not try to make it work?

Where I would draw the line is where making an effort has significant impact on other parts of your life. You probably don't want to spend all your money on him or neglect your friends. What I would do in your place is to treat him at least as well as you want him to treat you. Preferably even better. Why not do your best? Then see if he follows your lead. If he still doesn't seem to put enough effort into it, you should talk to him and let him know what you expect of him. Even after you both are making a "sufficient" effort you should every now and then do something special for him and encourage him to do likewise so your relationship doesn't go backwards.

I think that good way to start making an effort is spicing up your sex life. Guys usually appreciate that and you also get sex in return so you don't have to worry about being left empty handed.

[lilxcutie53]

Thats actually really good advice. The reason I was saying that I dont want him to take advantage of my efforts is because our relationship was very one sided when we first were dating. I didn't act on my feelings even though it was how I felt. I pretended to play it cool . He was respectful but he kept himself very distant and didn't try that hard so I just pretended it didnt bother me, but he knew that I cared.

The reason that he got angry with me is that we had a prior talk earlier in the month about how I don't try. He didn't really specify where I dont try even when I asked him so I put forth effort in more areas that I thought he'd want me to try. So I amped up our communication and asked him to hang out wiht me alot. And between that time and this past week, twice he showed lack of effort.

For an example he told me one night that we were going to grab dinner together and I didnt have any plans so I said we could. We didn't discuss in detail, but I figured after work we would figure it out bc thats what typically happens. and he forgot about asking me and told me that he was planning on going fishing and so I got upset and explained that it was frustrating that he forgot esp since he told me a couple days ago that he felt I didnt care...He ended up taking me even though it really didn't want to go which was nice, but still it sucked that he forgot.

He wants me to get my priorities straight, etc but he can sometimes be disrespectful towards me which is what naturally makes me half ass the relationship sometimes. Like because he can be disrespectful I am looking for him to make more effort than me to counteract the disrespectfulness. If that makes sense...so I am going to talk to him and tell him that basically I dont want to commit fully to the relationship if hes going to act that way sometimes. Like I dont want be with someone who can be disrespectful so if he wants me to committ then he needs to work on that aspect of his personality.

[Yet another guy]

Like because he can be disrespectful I am looking for him to make more effort than me to counteract the disrespectfulness.

That's a very slippery slope, you see. He "disrespects" you once (makes a mistake or whatever...) and you start making less of an effort because you expect him to make a bigger effort. He sees your lack of effort and starts making less of an effort himself. You find that disrespectful and so on. That's why I think that you shouldn't hold back in a relationship. If the other party doesn't treat you like you would expect, you can talk to him and having made a full effort yourself you would have some leverage in the discussion. If you have the talk with him now, he won't take it well since you're half assing the relationship yourself.

About that dinner thing, he forgot. People do that. They don't mean it. The fact that he changed his plans to go eat with you would have been more than enough for me to get over it. You didn't even have plans. More like an agreement to make plans which you never ended up doing.

[lilxcutie53]

I know. Its like a cycle, but then he gets upset and talks to me about it and then I explain why I am acting such a way, but he doesnt always try to fix it cuz then I wouldnt be explaining this to you. So now we just talk about it right after it happens so that we can move on. I'll let him know right away thats hes being disrespectful, but he gets defensive bc I am calling him out on it. So he knows there a things that I dont like that he does that he can change in order to prevent me from half-assing. Thats why I want to talk to him about it so he knows where I stand and I'll make sure to work on the things that I do that he doesnt like.

[QUOTE=About that dinner thing, he forgot. People do that. They don't mean it. The fact that he changed his plans to go eat with you would have been more than enough for me to get over it. You didn't even have plans. More like an agreement to make plans which you never ended up doing.[/QUOTE]

I see what you are saying here and your right about making only an agreement and not plans, but I am the type of person that does get angry when anyone forgets. Not just my bf so "not forgetting" is something thats very important to me in a relationship, because if I made plans with someone I would never forget about the plans