i know what he's doing...now what?

[lonelygirl269]

My husband and I have been married for seven and a half years. He has an 8 year old son from a previous marriage that I have helped raise since he was like 6months old. My husband and I have had our ups and downs like any marriage but we were generally a happy couple and family. Last year I was diagnosed with a rather serious condition and it was tough on us all..the medication I was on caused me to gain weight and I became a bit depressed. Obviously its hard being sick... anyway 6 months ago things were at there worst. I was sick and moody all the time and just miserable in general. My husband was stressed and working two jobs to make ends meet since I could no longer work. One night he fell asleep in our guest room with his phone in his hand. I knew he had a big meeting so I picked up his phone to set an alarm for him and everything changed. He was text messaging a woman from his office and their conversation was definitely X-rated. The last message said how miserable he was with me and how he longed to be single so he could sleep around. She in turn told him that he could do better than me! Can you imagine? She doesn't even know me! Well..I cried for days but in the end..I didn't want to lose my husband or step son and I had to admit that I wasn't doing much to make him happy. I had been feeling so badly that I had been wrapped up in myself. As much as it hurt, I pretended like I never saw the messages and tried to make things better. I started going to the gym, seeing a therapist and paying more attention to my husband...and it seemed to work. He became attentive and loving. We went out to eat and on romantic date nights and vacations. Physically for me not a lot has changed..I've lost about 15 lbs but I'm working on it. Then last night he came home after a late meeting and fell asleep on the sofa. I don't know why but I picked up his phone and there they were..naked pictures of the same woman..that she had sent him the night before. I'm devastated and I don't know what to do. I know a lot of you are now screaming "leave him!" But the thing is...even though I love him..and I do...his son is MY son now too..I've raised him from infancy, he calls me mom and he's my world. If I leave..I will never see him again and I have no legal rights to him (I've checked). Also..I'm very sick still..I have no where else to go and desperately need my husbands work insurance. The sad thing is things really were getting better and I don't know if I can bare losing my husband, my son and my home..any advice or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[reeba]

How long have you been sick; are you going to get better; and what else has it effected besides depression, weight loss, can't work?

I know marriage is through sickness and health, and you are making an effort to correct some of the toll your illness has taken on the relaitonship. And yes, I think he is a turd to not also put in some effort. Being sick wasn't a choice you made. It happens. It is part of life.

I think you need to sit down with him, be open minded and not emotional, and break a deal with him. Tell him you know. You can ask to see a marriage councilor, but chances are the marriage is over. But if he is a decent guy, maybe he will still take care of you - stay married to you for you to receive insurance (or draw up papers that if he divorces you he has to supply insurance), help some with the bills, you move out to your own place, apply for disability SS, and make a legal arrangement regarding the child (if he cares about his son he will allow you to see him also, the child is obviously attached to you).

I have an uncle whose wife had a stroke in her early 30's. She is partially parylized, can't read or do math, obviously can't drive, can understand everything you say to her, but has problems communicating back. They had two kids, at the time of the stroke they were 3 and 5. As soon as the second child graduated high school they split. He still pays her bills, she lives in a retirement community (not assisted care though) & gets SS, they are still maried, and he lives with his gf 200 miles away (they were dating while he was still living with his wife and she was in the simular situaiton with a husband that was slowly dying of cancer).

I even use to date a man whose wife had a brain tumor for over 10 years. When I dated him she had passed away a mere 3 months earlier. I was sort of upset when I found out about the 3 months and when I found out he had dated other women while his wife was ill (he had fibbed about the time frame). But he did stay with her, and was her care taker for all those years.

[kezzy]

Don't do what I did and thrown the phone at him because that gets silly, you have obviously got a lot of restraint not reacting out so good for you you are a lot stronger person than me

I have not been married but was with my ex for a long long time, we still talk and have a really complicated relationship together now, but what he said to me was, and i am not joking

He had to get somehting elsewehre because i was TOO NICE. I let him get away with everything, I did lots of nice things for him, like for example you setting his alarm for him so he wouldn't be late, that is just being considerate and caring for the man you love, but does he see you more as looking after him than his bit of rough if you like?

I think sitting down and talking things through will really help yo out,

This woman is always going to be playing on your mind so you really need to get it out in the air somehow please don't let it eat you up inside you already hve so much to deal with being ill and everything

I hope you find a solution soon xxx

[lonelygirl269]

Thanks for everyones advice so far. It helps just to have some empathy. My sickness is hard to explain. It affects many areas of the body but typically when I have a flare up I get fevery..dizzy..sharp stomach pains, extreme fatigue and vomitting. There are many different possibilities. I could stay the way I am for twenty or thirty years or I could decline and die within five. Its degenerative and there's no cure. As far as me being to nice...I'm not sure. I do get mad occasionally (not as much as I should) but even up til now..we've had a fairly god sex life..usually 3 to 4 times a week sometimes...so its not because I'm cold or frigid...

[kezzy]

I didnt think i was too nice either but thats what he said,now hes with a total bitch, but comes too me for the nice cuddles so i guess im no better than the woman your hubby is texting

I really think you need to talk about it though because it will eat you up inside and the stress can't be good for you, the stress can make a perfectly healthy person fall to pieces

Just don't think the problem is with YOU because he fell in love with you, whatever this is with the other lady you deserve to know where it has come from, maybe he needs support but is afraid to come to you becaus ehe doenst want to put the pressure on you as you are already ill, but these are all issues that need to be aired

Good luck xx

[reeba]

I sort of feel cold about the response I gave. Have you tried a support group? It will help to talk to other people who are going through the same situaiton. I know you are probably really angry about being sick and about his lack of fidelity. But it isn't all about you. He is going through a lot also. It is very stressful to be the spouse of someone who is critically ill for the long term. Personally I still think he is an ass for not coming clean and saying what is going on. My uncle was truthful with his family, although most of my family still don't accept his girlfriend.

He needs to go to a support group too. Not necessarily going with you though.

[VincenzoG91]

Your husband sounds unreliable. You know the math, but let's review it. You got married 7.5 years ago to a divorced guy with a six-month old son. Unless that was an incredibly short engagement before the marriage, he was cheating on his wife with you, while she was pregnant. Do you see the pattern? Reeba mentioned the sickness and health part of the marriage vows, but this guy has it all wrong. When the wife is sick (or pregnant), he's out getting laid, because he's a selfish, uncaring asshole.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Or specifically in case, whenever there is stress on the relationship, he responds by cheating. Or whatever he calls it in his own mind to make himself feel better. You're wife #2 and this other woman is going to be wife #3 in about a year. Divorce this jerk now.

[bloodtippedrose]

I'm sorry about your situation. Seriously I couldn't imagine being in such a hurtful situation, which would be hard enough without being sick.
You cannot avoid talking to him about this and the sooner the better. You both need to get your feelings out in the open instead of bottling them up. The lack of communication got you both here in the first place. You need to tell him how hurtful it is to have him talking to another woman and how you realized you probably have been neglecting him because your illness took presidence. Talking, not fighting, will probably help him feel more open to sharing his feelings. Then you can go from there.

[reeba]

Good point on the timeline Vince. I was sort of thinking it was odd. But you are probably very right. For this guy, when the going gets tough, he goes out finds another woman.