I'm having an extremely hard time passing the days. For those of you who know my sob story, my ex and I broke up months ago and she started seeing someone else. She's also leaving for London in 3 weeks for 2 years and my heart is completely broken. We still try and hang out every so often, we care about each other greatly, but it's getting harder and harder.
Priorities are shifting and we're constantly being reminded that we're no longer each other's first option and although that's the right thing to do, the pain is still very apparent. The other night, there was a party and some of our friends were saying goodbye to her as they won't see her before she leaves. It hit me like a bag of bricks that the day is fast approaching and I'm going to be losing my best friend. I was crushed and although I've been feeling okay lately, it sent me back into a spiral of depression.
It's getting really difficult to talk to her as I'm trying my hardest to keep myself busy and move on. We're both pulling away and going in opposite directions and neither one of us is willing to put themselves out there for the other person. I don't know if I'm still in love with her or just the idea of her. She was my first love and the intimacy we shared was off the charts. I'm feeling lost and scared that I will never feel this again. I know that's silly because I will, but I'm sick of feeling that I won't.
Going forward I don't know if I should swallow my pride and make it apparent to her that I want to spend whatever time she can throw my way. Or if I continue going on with my life as if she's already gone and wait for her to come to me. It hurts the most when I hope she can spend time with me but she's hanging out with her new guy. She messages me on her days off to hang out, but I hate feeling like her fallback. Whether or not that's true, it drives me nuts. She used to be mine and only mine.. and I was hers.
She went mental the other night when she saw pictures of me with another girl. So this isn't just a one sided thing. I don't know, I'm so lost and writing about it seems to help.
21 days and counting.