Did he use me?

[jessy83]

Ok , need some straight forward feedback please... excuse the back story!

I have been working at the same place for 2.5 years, there is a guy i work with (Lets call him Joe) who i was interested in from the start, but i was in a serious long term relationship so it of course never went anywhere, except some day dreaming. Over time we became good friends and did a lot of flirting but it never went further.

I recently seperated from my former partner and told my work mates about 4 weeks after, 2 weeks after that Joe asked me overto his place for drinks. Although i hoped it would possibly turn into something more i really thought it was just drinks. Of course it ended up with sex and after he was saying things like, "we have had a special connection from the start", "I really think this could go somewhere", "When can we do this again" to the point of asking me to move in with him (which i of course denied politely, WAY to soon!)

I was playing it cool trying really hard not to have any expectations about it at all but saw him 2 days after at work where he was really weird and said he had "things to sort out in his life", "this really isn't a good time to be starting anything", "it's too soon after me breaking up with my ex", " it never should have happened" blah blah blah. Mostly he said he wants to take it slow, but basically that he thought it was a mistake that anything happened.

I am feeling really hurt and very used & stupid for reading into his after sex discussion, I really thought that it could be something special. So basically I'm wondering if others think that it was just him using me for sex or if you think he really does want to "just take it slow"?

[Yet another guy]

Maybe he's the type of guy who gets attached very fast and probably had a crush on you already. And now he's upset that you turned his offer of moving together down (soundly). Or maybe more likely he was just a bit drunk when he said those things. Either way I can see why he would think it was a mistake. Nobody wants to be a rebound. I don't think he's using you for sex any more than you are using him.

[Jolicoeur]

My first guess is: "yes, sorry". The guy saw an opening and used it.

But then consider this: you guys work together. If there is awkwardness between you from now on, he is a victime of that too. As a man, if I want a one-night stand, I wouldn't want to run into her too often in the future. That alone speaks in his defence.

Now, why did he change hearts so quickly? Did he seemed hurt when you turned him down to live together? Did something feel wrong that evening? Was the sex not too great?

Is he avoiding you now? Maybe he really has something going on and you should give him some time before asking for a second date? And make it proper date this time, not a quick drink and jump in the sack. Not to sound condamning (I am not against fast meetings), but it's a better way to gauge a guy's interest if there is not an immediate reward for him.

[IndigoGal]

Ok, I'm not a guy, but I wanted to pipe in here. If he really is recently out of a relationship, that could have a lot to do with your situation. He's probably dealing with a lot of emotions right now, and if he was in a serious relationship, it's easy for some people to jump the gun and try to get right back to that level of commitment too soon with someone new. I'm guessing his invitation to move in stemmed from that. Maybe he realized this after you left and felt bad about it. Since you work together, I doubt he intentionally used you. Most people are smart enough not to pollute their work environment that way.

[jessy83]

Thanx everyone. No he hasn't recently come out of a relationship, I have and i completely understand why he'd want to wait and take it slow... but he didn't, he asked me 3 weekends in a row to come over and i declined the first two so i thought he was ready. Why would he ask me 3 times if he wasn't ready? It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, it was planned and thought about.

He is going through stuff right now, his father passed away a few weeks ago as well as the fact that he is trying to clean himself up and give up smoking and other bad habbits before he gets serious with someone, which i respect completely. But he hasn't tried to contact me since then either, i'm not sure if i should just leave it alone and let him call me or what now.

I do think he likes me, as much as i like him it's just harder now that the can of worms has been opened, i'm not good at pretending nothing happened! But I guess I just have to be patient and wait, which i am happy to do for a bit as i have things to sort out of my own. After being emotionally manipulated in my last relationship i just don't want to be regetting anything, or not have my b/s guard down, but i can't let anyone in with my guard up can i? God this relationship stuff can be difficult!

[Bonfire]

2 weeks after that Joe asked me overto his place for drinks. Although i hoped it would possibly turn into something more i really thought it was just drinks. Of course it ended up with sex

I think this might have something to do with it. Perhaps he felt you gave into sex too fast and it hit him afterwards that he couldn't be serious with you. Or knowing you just came out of long relationship, he might feel it's too early for you to get in one with him in case you are not completely over with your ex. He doesn't want to be rebound. He's giving you time. But my truly honest opinion is he did in fact wanted sex all along. I base this on the fact he invited you over for drinks, it's a common tactic to get sex. And the fact you guys did have sex told me that's what he is after. He only said those things so you didn't think he was after sex. But actions speaks louder than words and the fact he distance himself from you now tells me he did play you.

[Jolicoeur]

God this relationship stuff can be difficult!

<sigh> What you said...

Some strange thought, why not be honnest about it? Why don't you tell him you fear being used? Not in a reproaching tone, but tell him you are a bit confused about being asked three times in a row and then shut out.

Propose to take it a notch slower and see where it goes. I'm sure he could use a friend right now.

Maybe I'm naive, but I believe in honesty.

[Boisdevie]

Nobody forced you to have sex with him did they?

[thundersw]

He used your emotional weakness to have a good time.
Sure it'll be akward to see that "pretty" face on the job without trying to smack it.

[jessy83]

No, no-one forced me to have sex with him, let's call it a moment of weakness. I'm sure you have had one of those moments too, so let's not make it out like I'm a big whore, because I'm not at all. I had deep feelings for this person, which is why I'm so confused. I thought he had feelings for me too, maybe the only feelings he had were in his pants. I think apart from asking him directly I'll just pretend it never happened. That way things won't be weird at work. And if he wants to start something, or ask me out he can, but otherwise I'll just assume is was a once off and move on with my life. No point wasting my time thinking about someone who doesn't want it!

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

congrats on the sex... feels good doesnt it?

we all use each other for our own survival/happiness in 1 way or another. Using each other without anybody getting hurt or having any resentment is better. so yes both used each other.

[Fudala847]

He is probably just the type of guy who gets to attached too fast. Just like my friend after about 2 days of talking to a girl on the internet without seeing her in person he said " i really love her"