Tricky problem. Should I end our almost 9 year relationship?

[lonely_gal]

Hi Guys,

New to this forum but I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about the state of my relationship cause they all seem to think that whatever problem my boyfriend and I have will go away. Anyway, let's get to it. Here is my story:

We met when I was 19 and he was 20. We were doing fine as a couple until my boyfriend was in an accident 4 years ago - a victim of a hit and run accident to be exact. He broke his leg, cracked his back, shattered his face and was left with a brain injury. He's still himself but he has problems learning new things and suffers short term memory loss. He wakes up everyday hating what he sees in the mirror even though I assure him that he's still the most attractive man in the world to me, and that's the truth. He still looks the same but with obvious scars which I now see as part of him, but he doesn't see it that way. There were times when he'd be down about his looks and how he thinks that he's not as smart as he was. I had begged and begged for him to see a therapist which was recommended to him by his lawyers, insurance company, family, and pretty mush everyone but he was too scared. I kept hoping that things would get better.

Anyway, this past few months it has gotten really really bad that he wouldn't even talk to me about it. He'd go out with his friends on weekends and then would come home and complain about how he feels uncomfortable being social and that people still look at him like he'd been in a fight. I try to suggest that we do something together or take our dogs some where (we don't have kids) but he'd come up with excuses or get all negative about it and I would give up in the end.

So, I think I might have already given up on him. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because it feels like the man I love doesn't love me back anymore - or can't express his love back, I should say. Last week I cornered him to talk to me because that was what we used to do to get through this. He said that he'd been avoiding me cause he was planning to kill himself... I was scared. I was mad. I was feeling guilty and helpless. I put my foot down and said that if he didn't seek help I would leave him. So, he's been seeing a psychologist for about 2 weeks now. I know it will take time for us to see any improvement but i just feel so alone right now. He'd go out every day to do things he like (recommended by the shrink). And I'd be either at work or at home and even when we're both home he still wouldn't even look at me twice. I feel selfish for wanting a little bit of attention because I know that he needs to do this. Then I feel really guilty for being selfish.

Before he had a session with the shrink we talked about breaking up. He sounded like it was okay because we're each other's best friend and nothing much will change anyway. We haven't had sex in months and the only physical contact we have is when he leaves the house and give me goodbye hugs! I actually think we're more like housemates than best friends. He said that he doesn't trust anyone else but me and he wouldn't want to to live with anyone else...AND he can't live alone... In the end, I told him that I would wait until he feels a bit better and more positive, then we could talk about what we would do next.

I feel like I'm stuck. The past few weeks I've been watching A LOT of romantic movies, hoping to feel something (and I usually hate these movies). I want to feel love and be in love again... I feel lonely because he isn't home a lot, and when he is, it feels like he doesn't know i exist. I don't want to talk to him cause he's gone though a lot already and is still trying to overcome (what I think) depression. I'm starting to think that maybe I can't wait forever. I have been trying to save us since the accident and I am so tired of all of this. It will be our 9 year anniversary in July. I don't know if things will get better. I just want to move on but I can't if my other half is having it rough.

I'd like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. Words of wisdom and encouragement are what I need right now. And, of course, to feel happy again - with or without a partner. Thanks for reading.

[reeba]

Some people get over an accident that will effect their life long term, and decide to make the most of what they have left. They count themselves lucky to be alive.

And some people never get over it. They just think of what they once had, be angry, and depressed.

Brain injuries are the worst. Brain not only effects smarts, but it also effects personality, regulating hormones, and other things.

So some of the things you are seeing could be the physical brian injury. But what you are mostly seeing is the mental side. He is one of those that will probably never get over it. My suggestion is to not feel guilty, and leave. Do you want to spend your life with someone who holds you by guilt? Do you want to spend the rest of your life by someone who is angry and depressed?

I know this isn't what you want to hear. But how he is handling this is just part of his makeup. Most likely it isn't going to change. And if it does, it won't be quick nor easy.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's time to leave. Tell him you're open to getting back together, but only once he realizes how great he is and appreciates his value to you and the world. He can't love you until he loves himself.

[lonely_gal]

Thanks for your response guys. I think I will have to take one of the biggest leap of my life and say goodbye to him. I don't know how to break up with him and not leave him feeling so down though... Any advice?

[Spring Haze]

You say you do not want to talk about these feelings in fear of hurting him since he's been through so much, but you are willing to break up over this? If communication is that big of a problem for you, then seek therapy yourself.

In one sentence you complain about the minimal physical contact, then you claim you don't feel in love, then again mention loneliness due to his lack of attentiveness. You obviously care about the guy, or else you wouldn't find his behavior troubling. He might need to hear that you need physical contact, and want his attention.

I put my foot down and said that if he didn't seek help I would leave him. So, he's been seeing a psychologist for about 2 weeks now.

And you expect everything to be peaches and cream after a mere two weeks? He's doing as you insisted, is proving his devotion and willingness to work this out by partaking in therapy, and 2 weeks later you're willing to ditch him?


In other news...

He is one of those that will probably never get over it.

Until you become a neurologist who can telepathically read MRI/CT scans, keep the blatant, pessimistic assertions to yourself.

Do you want to spend your life with someone who holds you by guilt?

Those feelings of guilt are her own. No where did she mention him holding her by anything.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life by someone who is angry and depressed?

Such conditions are always terminal and completely untreatable.

But how he is handling this is just part of his makeup. Most likely it isn't going to change. And if it does, it won't be quick nor easy.

So you've met the guy and are clairvoyant. He's going to therapy. Why don't you give the guy just a tiny bit of ****ing credit.

[devonbrown]

I wouldn't give up on him yet. You have 9 years invested in this relationship. He is seeking some help, finally. And I agree with Spring Haze, you don't sound like you are really communicating well with him. If you are feeling like you said, maybe you could go to therapy with him. He might appreciate the support and it might help the two of you find ways back to each other emotionally.

You say you think he has been dealing with depression. First off, if that is what he is dealing with, it is no small matter and not something he can just fix like that. Most depression happens due to chemical imbalances in the brain. If he had a brain injury, you have no idea what might have happened. A lot of what you are describing about him doesn't sound like just depression. And in no way am I minimizing depression, but it sounds like he is also suffering from some post-traumatic stress as well. Often times depression goes hand-in-hand with PTSD and it is a wicked bad combination. Finally, the brain is probably the most complicated and unknown part of a human body. To make any assumptions about him not caring for you, etc. is really missing the mark.

I understand you feeling a lack of emotion and a lack of care from him. But you have to talk to him. If you want it to work out.

Good luck.

[jnster]

It sounds like he is feeling so down and dejected that he can't feel your love. or understand HOW you could even love him. The quote that comes to mind is "Love me when I least deserve it because thats when I really need it". I think that this is a time in his life where just you sticking around through the bad times shows true love and will eventually mean the world to him, now or further down the road.