Just sex or something more?

[Mangochan]

Hello everyone. Sorry this is a bit long. Gonna add some back story.

So, I've been seeing this guy for about two-three months I would say. It's long distance (He lives an hour away) but we see each other pretty much every weekend. He's a teacher and I'm still in school (So, slight age difference. He's 24 and I'm 20, but will be 21 in a few months). We've been friends for over 2 years now (we met when he was in college at my school, but he graduated my first year. He still came and visited a lot.) At first, we were not very good friends because he's a bit of a smart a** and my boyfriend at the time was overly-sensitive, so I would get mad at him for "being mean" (I eventually realized he was just joking) Well, in October, my boyfriend broke up with me. At the time, the other guy was falling for another girl who had a boyfriend also in our group of friends. Things didn't work out for her because she broke up with her boyfriend to be with the guy, then started sleeping with her ex again. Me and the guy became a lot closer at this point because my ex (who was now trying to get back together with me, but I was over him) used him as an emotional confidante and he would comfort me about the decisions I made against my ex/bring me down from anger by explaining how my ex felt and I would comfort him about the other girl.

He came to visit in November, which is when the flirting began. It was completely innocent then. He was a bit of a flirt and I was experiencing being single in college for pretty much the first time (I was single for a little bit my first year but was a self-confidence wreck at this point and didn't take full advantage). In December, the flirting became stronger as we talked more. Over winter break, he texted me a lot and we would talk whenever we were both online. At the beginning of January, I returned to my college town for a showing of RHPS (I'm in a group here). He came. So did my ex. At that point, I was getting sick of my ex begging for me back. At the after party (at my house), the guy pulled me outside and told me I was beautiful. Later, my ex cornered me and berated me for 20 minutes about how I wouldn't get back with him. At that point, my ex was kicked out of my house and I told him we could not talk anymore because it was not helping him get over me.

The guy comforted me until I went to bed and I refused to talk to my ex for the rest of break despite his suicidal texts. After break was over, the guy I like invited me to stop by his apartment (on the way to my college town) and have lunch with him, despite the fact that he planned on coming up later that night. I did (he even waited as I got lost for an hour) and we had a good time. Later, he came up and hung out with me for a bit. (We were supposed to watch a movie with my housemates, but they took a really long time and he had promised to hang out with my ex some.) So we laid on my bed and talked for a good hour, watched some of the movie, then he left and ended up texting me all night. He got drunk and told me that he really wished he wasn't friends with my ex because he liked me. But even past that, he thought I was a bit young (like the girl he had just dealt with) and that I needed some time to be single. I was happy he liked me, but kind of bummed that he was pushing me off. Though it was understandable. And I agreed that I still needed more time to really work on myself (I wanted to be more self-confident)

He would occasionally come up to hang out/see my ex/see some of his old college friends. During these times, he'd always stop by. We would flirt, but nothing more. Occasionally, he'd get close to me an everything. One day, he came over an we hung out a bit. He took me out to dinner and while at dinner, my ex texted him and said there was movie watching at his house. He said I could come and I decided to despite my better judgment. I have a low tolerance an got a little drunk pretty quickly. My ex pulls him outside and he, being the too nice guy he is, told my ex that there was a mutual attraction between us but we wouldn't do anything because we know it would hurt him. My ex then pulls me outside and attacks me for liking him. I'm drunk, so I start crying and just leave to go to a friend's house. The guy i like ran after me (my college has had a lot of recent attacks and rape attempts, so it was probably much better that he came after me...) and walked me to my friends house. He let me cry on him and comforted me.

The next day, he came over to my house and we talked on the couch, not about anything serious. Just chatted. Eventually, we both went to my room and laid on my bed, just talking, saying we were going to take a nap. We ended up cuddling and I attempted to kiss him because the moment seemed perfect. He kinda just laughed it off and I got bummed. Then a mutual friend of ours called and asked us to get coffee. As I was about to get up to fix my hair (he had messed it up by playing with it), he quickly kissed me. (He later admitted that he had waited until then because he was afraid of something more happening.)

I was supposed to go visit him the next weekend, but he told me right before I left that I shouldn't come. He felt too bad about my ex and didn't think it was right. The next night, he got drunk and told me that I should not listen to sober him and that I should come to his friend's party that was two weeks from then. I did end up going and we ended up having sex for the first time that night. I was worried that that would be it and that he'd no longer want to talk to me or flirt with me (I had started developing feelings for him), but he talked to me just as much if not more often after that. I'd talk to him for hours almost every night online. We couldn't talk on the phone or text much because we were on different plans and it was running his bill up. (Whoops.... hehe.)

((This is now more of the current situation: ))

I've heard from two of his friends that he talks about me all the time to them. I went to party with him recently and I was talking to the hostess (The mutual friend we met for coffee) in her room because everyone was really drunk except for me and her and I wanted a break from the craziness. When I left to go check on everyone, he went in there and apparently talked about me with her for 20 minutes.

He says sweet things a lot. He tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm one of the sweetest girls he's ever met. He's also said that he likes me because I'm smart and funny and open minded. We have gone on dates and he usually gets mad if I try to pay (so it's not completely just sex...). The only problem is we do have sex pretty much every time we're together (which is still only once a week or less). I mean, I never feel forced into having sex though. I have a very healthy sexual appetite and we always have a lot of fun having sex.

In fact, the sex wouldn't bother me if it weren't for my housemates. They keep telling me that he's slept with tons of girls in the past (which I know he has.). It only bothers me because they make it sound like they think he's sleeping with lots of girls now, so I should be going around sleeping with lots of people too. I don't think he'd really have the time to see other people, though. He has a job that gets him up early on the weekdays and he's usually seeing me on the weekends. If he goes out during the week, he still usually talks to me at some point via text or facebook chat. He also told me, back when he was having problems with the other girl, that he wanted a girlfriend. I mean, it's possible that he doesn't see me as girlfriend material, but the fact that he wanted one back then makes me wonder.

We haven't had the "exclusive" talk or anything yet. I was trying this past weekend, but we didn't really have the alone time (when we were both completely sober) that would allow for it. I'm planning on having a talk with him next time I saw him. Asking if we were just a sort of fwb thing? I'm pretty sure I'd be fine if we were because I enjoy what we have now. I just want to know so I can put my feelings out before they grow too much (If I find I can't, I'll probably just end things so we can most likely stay friends.).

So, opinions? Do you think it's a just sex thing? Any advice on how I should phrase the whole thing/when I should ask him?

Sorry it was long. If you don't feel like reading and/or have any questions, please ask and I'll fill in. (Please, no berating me for the being with an ex's friend thing. He treated me like crap, cheated on me, and broke up with me. I was still friends with this guy outside of my ex. Plus, the guy doesn't actually like my ex that much. My ex just doesn't have many friends because he's kind of obnoxious...)

[Mangochan]

I know this is really long guys. I guess I'll condense it:
We've been seeing each other/dating since about January/February.
We talk almost every day,mostly online.
I see him almost every weekend (long distance, about an hour away)
His friends have told me that he talks about me all the time (in a good way; one was at the beginning and one was just a couple of weeks ago)
My housemates like to bring up how he's ha sex with a lot of women in the past, but I don't think he'd really have the time to see other women (sees me every weekend and is a school teacher, so has to get up early during the week)
He's mentioned to me before we started seeing each other (when he was having problems with the last girl) that he wanted a girlfriend.
He has seemed a little distant lately, but he still initiates most of the conversations.

Do you think it's just a sex thing? Should I go ahead and talk to him about where we are? (I was thinking of asking something like: "Are we fwb or something?" I just need to know before I develop strong feelings for him) If so, how do you think I should phrase it and when should I ask him? (I can't see him this weekend because he went out of state for a special training thing. Next weekend I'm going to be in the middle of exams, but was going to try and see if he'd care if I came for a visit as a break from exams before I head back to my home town)

[devonbrown]

So you have been seeing him for 4 months and you are not sure of your relationship status? I hope I read that correctly.

Talk to him. Be open and honest without being aggressive. Don't make the conversation a challenge, keep it as casual as possible. And if you are okay with the answer either way, it should make it easier for both you and him to talk about it.

Good luck.

[Mangochan]

That's pretty much correct. I mean, it was difficult with the ex and distance problems.

But thank you for your response. I was afraid that it could be too soon to talk to him.