How To Get Back Out There

[vertical_sky]

Hello all! I've posted on this forum before about how concerned I am about my looks. Well, two weeks ago my worst fears were confirmed, and now I'm having a hard time moving past it.

I'd been seeing this guy for about five months. A month ago he went out of the country on business. When he got back, I barely heard from him. Over about a week we had 4 interactions. 1) Him calling me drunk to cry about his ex-gf getting engaged. 2) A dinner date where I was planning to break it off with him, only to have him show up happy... like, ECSTATIC... telling me he finally felt over his ex, he was so excited to see me, etc. 3) A phone call where I was pissy and annoyed for not hearing from him for nearly a week, and him saying he'd try harder 4) Him leaving a voice mail that said:

"It's not working for me. I like you, but you're not physically attractive. Anyway, have a good day."

The breaking up wasn't too big of a deal, but the "you're ugly" part really cut me deep. I worry constantly about how I look. For him to call me physically unattractive on his way out the door, after seeming VERY into me physically, is kind of... devastating.

Now, I'm too terrified to even think of smiling at guys. I can't bring myself to even look a guy in the face, because of how ashamed I feel. I wanna get back on the dating horse, but I have no idea how to get past having my worst fears confirmed. Thoughts? Suggestions?

[Bigboy77]

wow thats horrible of him. But maybe its a good thing? Can you do anything to work on your appearence?
Braces, whiten your teeth, get in awesome shape and jog etc...? either way he's not worth your time!

[leoben]

I don't know vertical, you seem drawn to guys who agree with your low self opinion. I remember the thread where you posted pics and there was tons of honest advice about how you looked, most of it positive. Did you not believe what they were saying?

That guy could have picked up on your insecurity and used it because he wanted to hurt you. It doesn't mean that's what he actually thought.

[Boisdevie]

Maybe find someone who is attract to you?

Agree 100 percent

[abn25]

You were seeing this guy for 5 months so this guy was into you on some level no matter what he says. Not all of us are born beautiful but one thing people have no control over usually is who they are attracted to. Attraction comes from different things, it is unspoken, and there is also emotional and physical attraction. When you have both with a person, usually things work pretty well. We can all work on our appearance, but his comment made you feel that nobody else would like you either which is totally devistating to hear from a man especailly if he thinks you already have low self esteem and completely uncalled for. He could have said anything else, which leads me to think he's messed up anyway. Do not let him drag you down. Make a list of things you do and dont like about yourself, and things you have control over, work from there. Seak out good people and attend confidence seminars if possible. I consider myself attractive but could lose a few, the guy i was recently with went back and forth toying with my emotions and finally said he didnt want a relationship after having been physical with him. He then asked me out and in the middle of our date was checking out a very young girl right in front of me. I then caught him texting someone else and he finally tells me its the girl at work. I left....so i must have some pride still . He then called the next day, said he we was sorry and wanted to spend the day together. This is after going home the night before completely humiliated. After a long talk with a friend i realized i dont want someone who treats me this way, and you shouldnt waste anytime worrying about his stupid and wrong opinion of you. Keep your head up girl!!!

[vertical_sky]

Maybe find someone who is attract to you?

Haha seems logical eh? The problem is, I thought he was.... He was VERY physical with me, to the point I wondered if he just wanted me for sexy activities and not for anything else. Which is why his declaration was really confusing and unexpected. I was actually expecting him to end it for emotional reasons, as before he left, he told me he didn't feel "emotionally connected" to me because of his ex.

So how do you tell if someone's attracted to you?

[vertical_sky]

I don't know vertical, you seem drawn to guys who agree with your low self opinion. I remember the thread where you posted pics and there was tons of honest advice about how you looked, most of it positive. Did you not believe what they were saying?

That guy could have picked up on your insecurity and used it because he wanted to hurt you. It doesn't mean that's what he actually thought.

It's more I don't always know what to think. I did believe what they said, but at the same time, this is the second guy in a row to date me for a while and then dump me for not being attractive enough. The other guy was even more blatant about it... He called my friend (who he'd originally wanted, but gone after me when she turned him down) hotter, his ex-girlfriend was cuter, his friend was more attractive... You name the girl, he thought she was more attractive.

It makes me feel like a monster, and I don't know how to get past these experiences. Cause, these are guys that even DATED me... if THEY think I'm ugly, what must strangers think??

[Love&Life]

What they said has nothing to do with you...but with them. I think it is somehow a way to get even with something that happened to them (or someone) in the past.
So maybe they were dumped by someone because they were not good enough, or maybe they are angry at their ex, but are expressing it to you.

Don't take it personally, the thing is men sense that you are sensitive for criticism, and that makes them feel more confident to say it to you instead of someone who is insensitive for their stupidity.
Surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with to strenghten your self-esteem! Do things you feel good about, a day with girlfriends or something.

It is not you, girl, it is their ugliness... ;-)

I tell you this, because people tell me how beautiful I am (and I am an average looking girl) , and generally men are attracted to me. But this little, insecure, depressed guy somehow managed to criticize me over and over again. I didn't know what was happening (he wasn't like that before, so the sudden change was quite a shock to me) so I waited too long to intervene. I am still "recovering" from it, but I am on my way. Beauty is relative, even the most gorgeous women get dumped.
Be warned, some men are out there to break you by critisizing how you look. It somehow makes them feel good about themselves.

[MerryH]

God, what an asshole. That was so unnecessary. He's either a social retard or he was intentionally trying to hurt you for whatever reason. Either way, it's not worth another thought. Easier said than done, I know.

I wanna get back on the dating horse, but I have no idea how to get past having my worst fears confirmed. Thoughts? Suggestions?

I do have a suggestion. Don't date. Not until you feel better about yourself. Become alright with yourself enough to not let the cruelty of others affect you for too long. Being told you're not attractive would be devastating to most people and I don't blame you for being hurt. But if you're alright with yourself, you can say, "No, they're wrong. I am attractive and I have a lot to offer." Or, "Man, **** that weirdo for taking a jab at me on his way out. What a bitch." And then go on being your bad self. If you can't do that, then I think it might be best that you remain single and work on yourself instead of working on relationships.

Seriously, it suuuucks that you've had guys say that shit to you. You're a cute girl, I can't imagine why you'd have multiple people tell you that you're not attractive, unless you're choosing really bad people to spend your time with.