Need some advice, relationship problems...

[Jimbo16]

Hi all, I'm new here, my name is James, i'm 26 (probably older than most of you) and I just need someone to read my problem and give me their opinion as to what I should do as i'm a little confused about my current relationship situation.

I am originally from the UK, i went traveling 2.5 years ago to Aussie, did that for a year, met so many awesome people, then went to NZ. I met a girl in NZ that i'm now currently with and have been with for 1.5 years. We live together, very in depth relationship, i work from home so i'm always at home, she works in town - we are both rather detached from friends as we moved in to this town from another where all her friends were, my friends are all at home in the UK and Australia and the place we live is very hard to make new friends, especially when you work from home.

Lately i've not been feeling that great about the whole relationship, I miss home, I miss my family and my friends, I miss working hard on my company, by myself.. and I miss generally.. being alone (i'm an only child). The girl i'm with at the moment, when i first met her I thought she was everything, she is gorgeous, pretty, a girl that you could take home to mum type... very loving, always there and would do anything for you - most of all she is trustworthy and caring. the perfect girl I would say!

The thing is, it seems like the spark has gone, i don't ever want to have sex with her and when we do, i don't really want it. I don't really find her sexy although I love her very much. It would break her heart if she knew i was writing this and it makes me feel terrible to even think of doing such a thing. She is very fragile, and i dread to think what would happen if I said I want to break up..

I love her, as you can tell I think she's great and we're due to move to Australia together in a month. We're currently selling all of our possessions so i think now, of any, would be the time for me to really make or break this relationship.

Perhaps its because I work from home day in day out, constantly at the computer, maybe thats the reason why the spark has gone from our sex life? I live here, work here, eat here, relax here.. I don't have any good friends to go out with, she's not interested in making any friends whatsoever.. and if i were to go out, she'd be constantly on my back wondering when i'm coming home...

I don't know what to do, maybe I should work at it a bit more, maybe working from home is the problem and the high pressured job to make money thats killing me.. we used to be great, together we seem great, but i just get this niggling inside that makes me wonder.. is this going to be forever?

Would appreciate some honest adult advice for whomever is reading this..

thank you so much.
J

[nativeaustin83]

Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself: Did you used to find her sexy? Have you ever found her sexy? I assume that you did because you said the spark is gone....implying that the spark was once there. Do you find yourself attracted to other women or wanting to have sex with other women? I'm not asking you if you'd cheat, I'm asking because I'd like to know if this is a universal issue rather than just that you're not sexually attracted to your girlfriend. Sometimes there is a genuine chemical element that just does not exist in relationships and will keep two attractive people from actually being attracted to each other sexually. We're more primal than you'd think.

You do sound like the stress is really getting to you. Try to separate how much of this is her and how much of this is the fact that you miss your family, friends, and freedom from being at home all the time. I'm not sure of the logistics of your situation, but do you have to work at home? Is there any way for you to move back to the UK and have her come along? Try to imagine how you would feel if you were in a relationship with her in the UK, around your friends and family. Would you still feel these negative feelings about your relationship, or do you think they'd be resolved? If you still think she'd be needy and want to keep you at home all the time and that you wouldn't be attracted to her still, I suggest you break up with her. Yes, it will hurt her feelings, but prolonging the inevitable will only make her hurt more in the long run.

[solferina]

Hi I have a female friend at the exact same situation as you are. The problem with her is that at the beginning of her relationship everything happened so fast and to be honest she was not that attracted to the guy. After 2-3 weeks they started spending the nights together and overall I can say that they started living together, although it is not official yet. They are constantly together and she is getting bored, and his attention is making her less interested in him. And exactly as you said your girlfriend is, my friend's boyfriend is the perfect guy. He is always there for her, fixes things at home, plays video games with her brother, sends her "Good morning sunshine" messages almost every morning and on top of that they see each other every single day and sleep on the same bed. Now I understand that this is not something that's horrible, but people who still haven't had their share of fun, are not ready for this kind of relationship. Maybe you need to live your life and party some more without someone "constantly on my back wondering when i'm coming home...". And you are also like my friend in terms of loving her. My friend told me that she loves him, but she is not in love with him. And I think you feel the same way. She loves him, he is a perfect guy but there is no spark. I think this it's really hard to decide what to do. I don't want you to hurt the girl, because it will really hurt if she loves you that much. And I want to tell you one last thing-my ex boyfriend was kind of in the same situation as you are and he just told me one day that he wants to live in another city and he left and I never saw him again. I was like sick for 5-6 months but I'm perfect now. I hope everything works out well, and you choose the best option that will make you both happy. Wish you all the best!

[pisces25]

It might sound scary but maybe try talking to her about the way you feel? You are in the phase of a relationship (near the 2 year mark) when all those original lusty feelings wear off so what you are experiencing is not uncommon. This is the part which requires work on both parts. Can you take a short trip back home just on your own so you can catch up with you friends and family and in the meantime sort out how you feel when she isn't around? A break so to speak but you are disguising it as a much needed trip back home. Also it could be stress attributing to these feelings, when we are stressed it feels all aspects of our lives are overwhelming. I do think you both need to make an effort to make friends and get a life of your own outside of the relationship. Maybe try that and then see how feel about her/the relationship.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with the Merry about the phase of the relationship. You've hit your first big lull and it's boring and that boredom is scary. It's time to pull up your sleeves and do some work. You know how people say relationships are hard work? This is what they mean. When my fiance and I told his sister (whos been married 18 years) that we had set a date for our wedding she was very keen to get some time with each of us along. She pulled me aside and confided in me that she isn't always attracted to her husband, and sometimes it's bloody hard work staying with him, but when it is good it is magical and all those crappy days just melt away in to the background.

You do need to talk to your girlfriend and let her know how you're feeling. When it comes to talking about the spark make sure you avoid telling her you don't find her sexy any more. You can discuss ways she can be more sexy, just be careful about how you do it. Give her a chance to want to become more sexy for you. If you found her sexy once you can do it again. Accentuate the positive.

Also if you have Aussie friends and you're headed this way in time, is it possible some of these feelings will be resolved then? Once you have a chance of being around some friends again you may relax a lot more. Have you ever asked her to go home and meet the family with you? Maybe some travel would help 2 problems, relieve some boredom and possibly bring back some spark.

[Jimbo16]

nativeaustin83, solferina, pisces25, MaidenMinx > Thank you so much for your replies here, I can imagine everyone has problems of their own so i'm very grateful you took the time to reply. Writing on forums isn't usually what i'd do but I needed a non biased opinion and its very relieving to know that its not uncommon what i'm going through.

I think working from home combined with no friends equals a no life scenario. As you all mentioned already, I found her sexy before so I can find her sexy again. I'm in Queenstown (rather secluded place) I live a good 30 minutes away from the main town and i'm in the middle of nowhere, although I look forward to my g/f coming home from work, when it comes down to sex etc I just don't feel like it and I know it bothers here. She's already said "Is it me, don't you find me sexy anymore" and I always say of course it isn't you, it's just I work from home, sleep at home, i'm always at home and I think that might be the problem.

The travel to Aussie will help i'm sure, sometimes I long for a bit of guy time, few beers (not necessarily go out partying) but just to relax with a few beers to talk about sport etc the norm. I'm sure my partner would like to go out shopping with her girl mates (When she makes some) so i'm sure living in a city environment will be better. My work is very draining too, Im always on the blackberry, in bed, in the morning, before bed etc.. it doesnt help.

Perhaps the stress i'm feeling is more to do with my current lifestyle opposed to my current relationship, she has always been supportive if me working from home..

Thanks again so much for your replies

[MaidenMinx]

You sound almost housebound! It's something I can relate to. Do you still enjoy just being close to her? Is there still physical contact? If so, the lack of sex isn't a big worry.

I'm primary carer for my son who has mild Autism. I spent all of last year not working because my son wasn't doing well with his first year of school. I don't drive and live in a pretty dull town. It wasn't long before I got housebound and a bit nutty. In the long run the only time I really felt like being intimate with my man in a whole year was while we went away for the weekend to see Metallica.

Good people are hard to find, that's why you have to work hard to keep them.