I feel tormented with my racing thoughts and that I'm causing undue discomfort to the amazing woman I'm about to marry. I greatly appreciate any of your thoughts since I'm really struggling with this. I thank you in advance for any thoughts.
Here's the background. I'm a 30 year old male and have been dating my fiancée for almost 3 years and we've been living together for over a year. Things are great. We love and trust each other. Even though we're both strong people, we never fight since we're generally patient and easy to get along with. (Neither of us have ever been married or even lived with another person before now.) The sex for both of us is satisfying. We are looking forward to getting married in 5 months and are making all the preparations. Like almost all married people I've talked to, I have recently experienced some pre-marriage jitters . I'm a careful, deliberate person and I suddenly became a little insecure, worried and nervous about all the uncertainties and "what ifs" that a married life entails. I've come to realize that they were not "doubts", but rather normal feelings of nervousness. I'm lucky to have this woman and I want to live up to her expectations of being a great husband and father some day. And I think I will. I'm attractive, fit, well-educated and successful and I really do love her. And while I can never know what the future will hold, I have to rely on the love and trust we have for each other to get through the things that may come.
Among all the jitters and thoughts I experienced, I suddenly began to be uncomfortable with some of her past relationships and sexual experiences. This was never a problem before since she told me that she had a sexual past and I was fine with it. To say it more accurately, it's not that I was uncomfortable with the fact that she's had been with other guys, but I was suddenly uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't KNOW what those experiences were. Aren't we supposed to be able to share everything? (I realized that I knew more about the sexual histories of my previous girlfriends than I did about my future wife.) I know she's more sexually experienced than me and I don't mind that. As background, she's a few years younger and had freely told me that she was promiscuous for awhile when she was younger and had made some bad decisions. (I'm no saint either, but I've only had three sexual partners myself.) She told me that she had anal sex once and had dated older men. All of those facts I was fine with, but not knowing the context, reasons and details made me a little crazy and I was jumping to wrongful conclusions.
For example, when we started talking more about this recently - I told her that I was experience pre-marriage jitters but that everything was fine - I told her that I had originally assumed she was horny and into experimentation in the past and had guessed that she had been with 35 partners and if all that were true, which I thought it was, all of that would have been fine with me. (I told her that the truth didn't bother me, it's was the wondering and guessing about what had happend that was an issue for me.) But it turns out my assumptions were wrong and the real story was actually different than I had thought. She told me that she had actually been "talked into" anal sex in college with a frat boy and that it was never her idea. That was totally different from what I had assumed and was certainly glad she told me this.) Likewise, she only just recently told me that her relationship with an older guy resulted in someone having taken advantage of her. She was living in Toronto for the summer during college for a summer internship. One of her older bosses started taking her out and they started having a sexual relationship. But he knew she was only 21 and still in college and he was 36 years old and one of her bosses at the company! If anything, I'm pissed at this boss and not her! While she was dating him freely (she says he didn't pressure her), he still should have known better than that! She was beautiful, vulnerable and he took advantage of the situation. Fortunately, the relationship ended when she moved back to college in the fall. Plenty of young girls could have fallen into that trap.
I also learn that when had moved to Toronto after college, she initially struggled to get her feet on the ground. Being extremely attractive, a lot of guys took interest in her and she went to the clubs and never had to wait on a line. Trainers at the gym would offer to train her for free. She told me that she was a little insecure being new in the city and that she found some validation and confidence in herself buy going to clubs and letting me men take her out and show her a good time. So even though I had assumed she was just horny before (which again, would have been okay), the reasoning was a lot more nuanced than that and now I feel like I know so much more! I feel great to know these things. The guessing and the wondering was driving me crazy. I'm not jealous of these previous guys. After all, why should I be? She chose me to marry! And she's said that's she done more sexual experimentation in my bedroom than with anyone else so why should I be jealous.
But there's still a lot more that I want to know and I'm sure that not all of the relevations will be good ones. But at least I'll know them and can deal with them. I can't deal with the unknown and my wandering mind which drives me crazy sometimes. While she's been very honest with me, she has also said that she didn't want get too deep into the details, since she was afraid that I'd somehow think less of her. I love her too much to think less of her. Now, I know some would say that none of her past should matter if we love each other, so why should she tell me all these things that make her so uncomfortable to talk about? I know that some would also say that I'm just being insecure about myself. But I also don't agree that none of the past matters. First, those things are still a part of who we are and they help form us into who we are today. And second, someday we'll have to be parents ourselves and we will guide our children based on our own shared experiences. How can we do that together if we don't know about each other's past? She was in some not-so-good relationships and we should learn from those experiences.
I love this woman and want to know everything about her, even if some of the details are a little gory. (I want to know who she slept with, what the sex was like and how she felt about those relatioships.) Talking about this is uncomfortable for her and it really me feel guilty that it makes her feel that way. (I cried the other day because I felt terrible that I was making her uncomfortable, even though that was never my intent.) But knowing more of the truth has definitely made me feel better and it gives me a fuller understanding of her (both the good and the not-so-good). Perhaps, I feel that I even love her more in learning about the context and details of these prior experiences. Even if some of the details are nasty, I should at least feel good that she trusts me to share them. I just have to be sure to convince her that I won't think anything less of her.
So as painful as it is for me to ask and as uncomfortable as it is for her to recall these things, I think we need to hash it out. Do you think I'm right to ask, even though it's uncomfortable for both of us? Is it okay for me to want to know these things? (Gosh, it really messes with my head not knowing the details. I feel that once I know everything that's happened, I can more easily digest it an put this behind me. But not knowing, my mind makes things up and that's harder to deal with.) Does she have a good reason not to tell me all these things? And if so, does that mean she doesn't trust me? Please tell me if I'm thinking about any of this the wrong way. Please also try to put yourself in my shoes as a guy who can't relate to all her sexual experiences since I didn't happen to go down that road myself.
- Tormented