Snooping? Would you do it?

[im_a_fool]

sammygee, thank you so much...there was one other part I didn't like...an email with a recent girl he dated. She asked him to call her because she "couldn't find her phone" about a week ago...apparently they talked for awhile and she gave him a recipe which he used that night and then emailed to thank her for...then she asked if she could borrow some tools to work on her car and he took them to her...but he told me that part the day it happened. That he didn't stop alone and was there for 2 minutes.

Add to that that she has been messaging him since 4/27 and he hasn't responded and I think things are okay there. Then there was another email that came in tonight from a woman he dated a year or so ago...My lack of trust comes from the fact that in the beginning he claimed to WANT a relationship but then I found him flirting hardcore online. I asked him to stop. He didn't. And we continued to see each other but dated "other people." This turned out bad because we had already developed feelings for each other. The memories are what are hard...not only on me but on him as well. My business is online...so when you work from home social networking becomes the way you communicate with others...I am a twitter fanatic and was not aware but he had been following my twitter for months...I didn't even know he knew I had an account. So he saw every time I was going on a date. And of course I had to hear from mutual friends about how he was doing with his new interest. That's tough to see or hear when you love someone.

Our problem is...we have both played so many games that we have been hurt a million times. Once you have been hurt this much...it's hard to overlook it. But I love him...I do...I just don't know if we can get past the problems.

I don't regret looking. All in all, since things became serious with us, the above is the worst of it all. I couldn't have said that last year...he does tend to flirt often and he also has no shortage of women interested, primarily due to his work ethic (every woman wants to nab a hard working guy...not that it is EVERYTHING to me. I wouldn't say it out loud but I make more money than he does.)

Sigh...I never thought I would find myself in a dramatic relationship such as this...

[elleda]

honey:

he will never respect you if you put up with this!!! trust me, i am learning the hard way. sever all connections with him, block his facebook, change your number, go cold turkey and start going out with friends and seeing other men. if he wants to take other girls out, let him! good grief. maybe one of them can teach him some spelling and grammar but probably not.

[ChiaraSays]

I thanked you for posting that conversation because 1) you're brave as all hell to share it with others and 2) it seems to be exactly what you needed to see.

I don't condone snooping because it almost never leaves the snooper satisfied. I agree with previous posted regarding the whole "once you start you can't stop" thing.. but life is messy and we're not perfect and we snoop sometimes! (we hardly NEVER find what we'd like to find, it's almost always for the worst)

It sounds to me like your relationship was unstable to begin with. All the walking away and the "I wanted to get caught" (crap).. seems to just show you've both got issues to deal with on your own first.
The fact you're actually aware that you jumped into the relationship too soon after a divorce sets you a lot further ahead in the game of FINALLY walking away from something so toxic.

Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship.
But you seem strong as all hell, you'll be fine. You're obviously realizing these are qualities you don't care to find in a significant other. Best of luck, darling.

[im_a_fool]

Thank you elleda. Man, if I told all of the horrible things that have occurred not one person would think I should stay with him...I'm not kidding... Today I haven't said a word. I've responded to 3 of his 20 texts today only saying that I would talk to him soon...that I had some things on my mind and it wasn't the time to discuss them. I worked myself to death today...he asked if he could talk to me later tonight. I told him soon. He texted that he would wait to hear from me when I was ready to talk...and then texted "I love you no matter what."

Fitting to my user name, I'm a fool. Matter of fact, last night I saw that the day he contacted me he was also contacting 2 other ex's...one of which wanted to see him the following Saturday night...and they had plans. I saw him on Sunday...Whether he saw her or not doesn't even matter...looks like he was just spreading it around to see who would "stick"

...yeah. Loser. I'm going to get more than 3 hours of sleep and then just...make an ultimate decision. But because I put up with this for so long anything I say now is just going to seem like a nagging.

I've invested some time...but not nearly enough to make a go of nothing.

[im_a_fool]

Thank you ChiaraSays. I figured I may as well post it...being a nosey snot is what I was asking about in my original post and...well, there ya go. That's one of the things I found...

My thoughts: I'm going to sleep on it before making the decision to cut it off but if that is my choice, at this point it will be a 100% cut off...which IS hard...and where I am leaning is to tell him the truth about why I'm ending it...I'm just going to tell him I still had his passwords, I logged in and I shouldn't have to say any more...the main reason I'll be telling him this is so that he can change every password he has and the "once you start you can't stop" thing will be a non-issue...

I really know that it's time to put this one to rest...

[Unimare]

I'd dump him for the atrocious spelling. Other than that, he didn't really do anything wrong, looked like harmless flirting (and quite modest at that) with a girl who seemed much more interested in him than vice versa.. but your call, of course.

[im_a_fool]

Thanks Unimare. To be honest, in the message I posted I was more pissed at her than I am at him. Matter of fact, for the first few messages he seemed to be blowing her off...I think it's bigger than that message though. For about a year any time he would get upset with me he would flirt with her...so it's a matter of who it is rather than what was said...add to that that the day he messaged me for the first time in months, he was also messaging other women he has dated (all of which were interested by the way) and it just makes me feel as though I don't matter as much as I'd like to matter.

My being upset is more of a pride thing...He has asked her out many times and she's declined...she gets mad at me and wants to go 4 wheeling with him...so now a woman who he and I have argued over numerous times one upped me...and knows my boyfriend has his 4 wheeler gassed up for her...or believes that. I guess I feel that if it were me and a male said "don't tell your boyfriend but I'm going to steal you from him" I'd feel obligated to respect my boyfriend and not feed into it...but then again I'm a female...I think differently.

I'm going to add this because it is important...outside of being a huge flirt, he has been on at least 10 dates with other women in the 1 1/2 years I have known him...never necessarily cheating as we were either not committed or completely not speaking...so much has happened in such a short time that the message I posted is just evidence to me that it will likely go back to the old ways...

I won't log in again...I don't want to see anymore. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't received text messages from some who have been interested in me telling me that I deserve better and they wished I would give them another chance...and I'm sure these messages would equally upset him...this is more about getting past old wounds and if that is possible at all..

[DarkHelmet82]

some things are better left unknown.. you DONT want to open up a pandoras box of crap.... never turns out well

[im_a_fool]

We are talking tonight...I'm not ending it but I am telling him the truth about how I know a few things, asking to change the passwords and...he very well may end it...so, I suppose we will see...

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I looked. Couldn't take it anymore...the one that I was referring to? She blocked me because I clicked "like" on a post she put on his wall asking how he was doing...

And you are seriously worried about someone like this^?

Why aren't you just ending it yourself? The whole FB thing is stupid. She likes him, he obviously likes her back. Just ditch him already.

[jayjay30]

i just have to say that other chick saying she dont want to deal with any drama...well there wouldnt be if she didnt feel the need to hit on a man that is already taken. Ive dealt with something like this a few times with my current. Most of his female friends that flirt also know not to flirt b/c i have sat down and talked with each one of them making it plain that I WILL NOT tolerate such nonsense. All i got to worry about is that when these friends of his talk to me via text or computer i keep the texts cause sometimes they try to start problems still even after 3 years.

[IndiReloaded]

Most of his female friends that flirt also know not to flirt b/c i have sat down and talked with each one of them making it plain that I WILL NOT tolerate such nonsense.

LOL, why aren't you sitting HIM down? I would never do what you describe. You degrade yourself by acknowledging them at all as a threat.

[jayjay30]

LOL, why aren't you sitting HIM down? I would never do what you describe. You degrade yourself by acknowledging them at all as a threat.

i did. and im acting like a responsible adult not childish. They knew him and where friends before i came into the picture but horrid flirts and always hitting on him. since i did that they all backed off and keep things respectful. He does the same too.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, we all have our ways of dealing with situations. But nevertheless, a direct confrontation communicates to them (and to him) you perceive them as a threat. A potential one at least. But if it got the result you want then okay. But there are other was to handle this kind of thing without giving so much of your own insecurities away. FWIW.

[im_a_fool]

I've gone back and forth 4 times over the last hour over how I am going to handle this...end it. Not end it. Ultimatum? Really? He's not a child...Love him...get over him.

I'm leaving now...I guess I'll just go with the flow and follow my...MIND this time. Thank you EVERYONE.