What to do?

[beamielove]

Me and my boyfriend of two years just broke up. He was my first and what we had was amazing. Only one thing bothered me. It really bothered me that he didn't love me after two years. He said he had those feelings but he couldn't say it. And that drove me insane...yeah it's just three words but those three words means a lot. It made me feel really insecure about our relationship and how he felt about me. My insecurity was what caused all the arguments. Everytime he did something wrong, I just assumed that it was because he didn't care. Honestly, most of the stuff he did that made me upset wasn't really a big deal to me. I just picked a fight because whenever he took the time to try to make me feel better were the times that I really felt "special" and that he really really cared. And I know that is the reason why I continued to pick fights with him. It may sound stupid to you but those three words and my insecurity are what caused everything. There were times when I just wanted to end it because of this but I told myself that it was just three words and that it shouldn't matter but I was lying to myself. I cared. A lot too. And whenever we argued and he seem calm, I always just want to piss him more because I thought if he showed some emotions it meant that he cared. But afterwards I would just hate myself for it because that's how all our bad arguments happened.

He eventually ended our relationship because he was tired of all the arguments and he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he like us to be best friends and to stay in touch but I don't know if I want that. I'm not ready to let everything go. I just want us to have another shot. I want to prove to him that I can do better but he's really determined that he doesn't want us anymore. I don't know what to do. Any chance of us getting back together or should I just cut him out of my life and just let everything go? and was I making a big deal out of the three words?

[smackie9]

Sorry but there is no way of telling what will happen. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you shouldn't spend so much time fretting over this for it will not help you recover. I know it's easier said and done, but you must give it time, a month or so. You sound young, and well the way it goes relationships will come and go in your life, this one will not be your last to end. You both will probably move on and you know what that is OK. This is how you learn about relationships. You need to have different experiences, you shouldn't limit yourself to one. You learn you grow you mature and then you will be ready for marriage. It's the cycle of dating life.

I know your heart is heavy, and you are still deeply in love and to be just cut off like that is devastating, but mark my words you will get through this, and whatever happens whether he changes his mind or not, you will be able to continue on with your life. It doesn't seem possible now because your emotions are just whirling around in your brain and it's so hard to think straight, and of course your first initial reaction is to get him back. You have to remember one cannot change over night. You need to be spending your time focusing on improving yourself, spend time doing positive things and don't depend on a guy to make you happy. Only YOU can make yourself happy and make your life fulfilling. If you expect a guy to give you a life all you will get is failed relationships.

[smackie9]

BTW if someone can't express their love by saying it that should tell you that they do not feel deeply in love with you enough to say it. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't fond of you and doesn't enjoys being with you.....just isn't on that level of intimacy. Some out there have a silly belief that they are saving it for the person that they are going to marry....kind of like saving your virginity.

[Dune]

I understand your reaction towards those three words. Well.. That's because those three words aren't just words. They are filled with jam-packed life-fulfilling awesome goodness that sorta wanna make you fly to the moon.

However, you've let your insecurities got the best of you. Your mistake here. Good that you see it now. But the thing about love is that it cannot be forced. Would you rather he said it to you because you wanted it? Or would you rather he say it when he MEANS it? Well, no doubt I know YOUR answer to this question.

Indeed arguments are bad for a relationship (though small amounts are healthy). When arguments get way too much, it just kills the relationship (personal experience).

[beamielove]

Thank you so much for replying and the encouragements. It made me feel better but at the same time I still can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking what ifs.....But I guess I should just let it go and if it's meant to be we'll be together again someday. You guys are right that if he couldn't say those words then I couldn't have meant that much to him and I can't force him to love me. Maybe one day I'll find someone better. I'm just scare of being alone and I will never find another guy like him.

I'm still not sure if I should keep in touch with him like he asked me to. I don't want him to just disappear in my life but at the same time I feel like if we were friends I will still have hope that we'll get back together. Deep down I know he won't change his mind because that's just the way he is. We also bought tickets to go to another country with my family for the summer. I'm not sure if he is still going but if he does, would it be awkward and painful for me? I don't think I'll get over him anytime soon.

[Dune]

If he goes with your family, the major bulk of the awkwardness and handling it will come from you (note that he being the dumper will have more emotional control over you, and probably over himself), and it's gonna make it harder for you to move on if you see him.

I guess it's okay to keep in touch, but always ALWAYS be on guard as is most of the cases, keeping in touch makes the process of moving on THAT much harder. Having hope that the relationship will work out in the future is also another way to give yourself some hope and this also HINDERS moving on. Bear in mind about the things that I've mentioned in this statement, that if you search hard enough (online), people who have experience will usually say this: Keeping in touch makes moving on harder. Having hope that it will work out some day also makes moving on harder.

But from your posts, you sound like you're clear of your emotions (eg. you're pretty honest with how you're feeling), so I believe you'll know what to do.

Ahh.. And don't fall into the what ifs trap. What if he snaps, changes his mind, turns around and got on his knees with flowers and confess his undying love to you? What if I won the lottery? What if a talent scout picked me out and all of a sudden, I'm making Hollywood movies? What if someone gave me the keys to a Ferrari? I know it's hard, but what ifs generate false delusions of the future which may or may not happen. And since it's generated by our very own brain, it will be our own fantasy. Don't get stuck there. I'm having trouble there myself like I keep asking what the future would be like if my ex and I were still together.

It's okay if you feel like you're gonna take a long time to get over him. As long as you take it. Do it, but don't dwell on it because dwelling in the past is counter-productive and as for relationships that have been lost, it just plain sucks, as it brings back flooding memories of how awesome our partner was. Do remember that after a break up, we tend to idealize our partner, thinking that they're just PERFECT but in actual fact, they are far from perfect. We also tend to forget all those shitty things that they do that makes us irritated etc. However, do NOT miss the lessons from this relationship. Learn from your mistakes.

Plenty of fish in the sea, as they say (I actually got pretty angry when someone told me this. But after some thought, it did make plenty of sense)

Girl, don't sell yourself short. Good luck!

[smackie9]

Thank you so much for replying and the encouragements. It made me feel better but at the same time I still can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking what ifs.....But I guess I should just let it go and if it's meant to be we'll be together again someday. You guys are right that if he couldn't say those words then I couldn't have meant that much to him and I can't force him to love me. Maybe one day I'll find someone better. I'm just scare of being alone and I will never find another guy like him.

I'm still not sure if I should keep in touch with him like he asked me to. I don't want him to just disappear in my life but at the same time I feel like if we were friends I will still have hope that we'll get back together. Deep down I know he won't change his mind because that's just the way he is. We also bought tickets to go to another country with my family for the summer. I'm not sure if he is still going but if he does, would it be awkward and painful for me? I don't think I'll get over him anytime soon.

That is always the one of the reactions to a break up. Time will change that and sure as s hit, there will be someone that will sweep you off your feet and fulfill every expectation you have.......never fear, there are like over 308 million people living in the US....there's a pretty good chance you will meet someone.

[beamielove]

So it's been a week since we broke up and yesterday he called to tell me that he loves me and that he wants to work things out. I told him I'll think about it and this is why I'm here because I need advice once again. When he told me that I wasn't too sure because I didn't know if all our problems will just go away and if it'll get better but part of me really want him back and I think at that point I was 75% sure that I'll take him back after more thinking. But last night he said that he started talking to his ex as a friend again (the one that he promised me that he won't talk to when we were dating). This ex texted him almost everyday asking him stupid stuff like "Is there an animal hospital nearby?," "Where is this building?," etc....She's also the one that wanted him to tutor her in Precal when she was a Junior in college and to pay him back she would treat him to lunch. My ex said he wants me to meet her if we were to get back together. He doesn't want to lose a friend. I know it'll bother me and our problem will just continue to grow if she's in the picture (even if they're just friends)....I just don't know what to do. I'm kinda pissed at him for playing with my emotions like this. And I made up my mind that if we don't get back together I'm just going to cut the cords with him. But I don't know. I need advice more than ever now. I'm so confused.

[smackie9]

Well he comes with strings attached. It's up to you whether you will accept his friendship with his ex or to not accept. It's pretty simple.